Toastie ‘97

2:35PM

Last night, I basically walked around crushed by my feelings for Susan. Speaking to Natalie around 3:30AM and hearing her say that I was wrong in thinking that Susan thought I was seeing her too much didn’t make me feel that much better. I had hoped that Natalie might say something encouraging. I wanted to go back to my room around 3:30, but I found Michael and about a dozen other people in my room. Last night just sucked. It sickened me a little to witness what became of some people on my floor after they returned from kegs. I have no time to write about a lot now, though. Perhaps I’ll write a UWC journal entry about drinking later.

I wrote Susan a letter around 5AM and put it under her door. It expressed my worry that I was hanging around with her too much. I went to bed soon after, and I woke up at 10:30. Oh, and I talked to Larry for about an hour at around 4AM. Anyway, I did one minor assignment this morning, but I’ve go so much other stuff to do. I think I may have a house council meeting tonight. I have to return Susan’s psychology book to her. I had borrowed it to do an assignment for my UWC class. Her door was closed a little while ago.

I’ve got to start doing some work now.

3:20PM

I can’t get anything done. Awhile ago, I returned Susan’s book. I knocked on the door, and Susan said, “Dave?” but then no one said anything, and two minutes later, her roommate Felicia opened the door and said that they had both just taken showers. I just gave her the book and left, feeling like Susan really didn’t want me there.

So I can feel my broken heart. And I can feel pain in my kidneys, which has conveniently returned just when I need it the least. I cannot deal with the combination of those two ailments. I don’t see myself going to see Susan today. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I just can’t bring myself to do anything…

12:10AM

I just about hit rock bottom this afternoon before making a recovery with the help of Susan. I’d rather go to sleep now than write. I’m very sad now because Susan’s probably going home tomorrow. I’ve got to write her one more letter now.

2 My third full week here begins tomorrow. Things really aren’t getting any easier…

12:10PM

The current gap in this journal wasn’t really done consciously. I actually didn’t realize how much I had been neglecting this. Must I recount the events of Wednesday and Thursday? There’s just too much to do, to much going on to spend lots of time writing in here.

Susan has been a big part of the last couple of days. I spent a couple of hours with her in the infirmary on Thursday, giving her a rose in a vase. She had to stay there Thursday night, and she found out yesterday that she has mono. I feel very badly for her. She’s was back in her dorm room yesterday, and I talked to her some more. No one answered the phone in her room when I tried calling this morning.

There’s so much I could write about Susan and my feelings for her, but I’d just go on forever if I tried to write about everything. The more I see her and talk to her, the more I care about her, and that’s just going to keep happening. I had a period of a couple of days following her letter during which I felt good about things with her. But last night, I started realizing that I care about her too much, and that I honestly don’t know how well I can accept just being friends with her. I want to be able to accept things how they are now, because things are good, but I simply can’t help being jealous of every guy she talks to and wanting to spend all of my time with her. I can’t help it, and it scares me, because I have a chance for such a good friend with Susan.

I wound up going out last night and not drinking, except for a beer I had in someone’s room here before going out, because I am just so unsure of myself when it comes to how I feel about drinking. I talked to Susan about this. She does not drink. That’s something I really respect.

One more thing about Susan is that I’m pretty sure she’d love all of my tapes. She likes the stuff I mentioned that I listen to. I like just about everything in her CD collection. She appreciates my music, my gifts, my company, and my feelings. She’s not difficult to talk to.

But I’ve got a lot of work to do this weekend. Last night, I could have gotten so much done. Michael’s girlfriend Hannah came down to surprise him, and Michael was out all night and hasn’t returned. But I was just too tired. I’ve been up for awhile today, but I spent about an hour-and-a-half on the phone with Kumar Dutt. I’ve got e-mail now, so I can write him and hopefully Laine soon, so that phone calls aren’t that necessary.

I’ve got to get dressed eventually. I’ve got a lot of work to do, but I told this guy Thom that I’d drive him to Chapel Hill sometime between 3:00 and 3:30, so I’ll do that.

12:05AM

I’ve gotten basically no work done at all today. I drove to and from Chapel Hill. I talked to Kirsten on the phone. I visited Susan a couple of times. I had some pizza for dinner. I did make up a poster for this dinner with a dean that Trent 2 is having. As house programmer, making the sign was my job. I’ve done laundry.

I’ve watched just about every go out tonight. I knew I had work to do, and I just didn’t want to go out. I don’t care about going out. I don’t mind being here. I wanted to do some work on the computer, but I found Michael and several others drinking in here. I didn’t need to be a part of that shit, so I went to Susan’s, where I tried to do some reading but really couldn’t.

For the most part, Susan has seemed very appreciative of my visits. I gave her my Top 100 III to listen to today. I was just in her room watching TV for awhile. But now I really feel like shit. I’ve been doubting all day whether Susan really is glad that I keep visiting her. I wonder if I’m bothering her, if I’m in her room too much. This girl Natalie was in the room tonight, and Natalie is very blunt about her opinions. I had already been thinking of heading back to my room (which I knew was finally empty), and then I heard Natalie start to tell Susan how she’s tired of this guy Kevin who keeps latching on to her and her group when they go out. She was saying things that I think could be directly applied to me, and how I keep coming to see Susan. It was very difficult leaving as Natalie started this discussion, because I thought it would have to be obvious that I was leaving because of the things Natalie was saying. Maybe it wasn’t. I don’t know, but I said good night to Susan, and I feel so bad right now.

I feel so bad that I’m apparently taking advantage of Susan’s sickness. If she were feeling better and going out, I doubt I’d be seeing so much of her. I don’t know what to do. I miss her so much already, and I’ve only been out of her room for twenty minutes.

4:40AM

I don’t want to keep my roommate up, so I’ll just say that I had a very depressing night tonight and leave at that until tomorrow, if I have any time to write…

1:20AM

Today was such a long day. So much has been happening that I just don’t know where to being, and I really don’t feel like beginning anywhere. Right now, I just want to say that I was completely wired tonight. I was drunk off nothing, perhaps Dr. Pepper. I just went in every girls’ room (almost every) on the floor and bothered whoever was in the room. Why was I in such a strange mood? I can’t explain now. Too much going on. I may have time to write tomorrow, but I doubt it. I think I’ll make a list of things that I should be writing about now that I’ll try to get to tomorrow:

Susan. Oh, I should write about what’s been happening with her. Last night, her roommate Felicia delivered to me a letter from Susan, and it was such a great letter to read. I made Craig come outside with me so I could read it in peace. Here it is:

Dear Dave,
I can’t tell you how much it means to me to get a letter like yours. Of course I don’t hate you! It was far from pathetic- I wish all guys could be as honest and have the courage to write letters like the one I just read from you. It was so nice to read all of the positive things you had to say about me- &, despite what you assumed, you have not lost your chance to be just friends with me even after writing how you feel. In fact, all of this just makes me want to be friends with you more. However, I don’t think I want to be involved in anything more than a friendship. This is just a decision I made for myself before leaving for college- I just decided that I don’t want to be attached to a boyfriend (at least not for a while.) So to answer your question, there are plenty of guys here who I can talk to and who I like. I need all of them as my friends, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love one more. Please don’t be angry with me because of this decision. Depending on how life goes, with time my decisions are bound to change. At this point I don’t know when, with whom, or why. But right now this is the way I feel, and if your offer about needing a friend still holds true, I’d love to take you up on it.
Let me known if this is OK, & thank you so much for telling me how you feel.
Love,
Susan

It goes without saying that nobody I’ve ever written a letter to has responded like Susan did. I was so surprised, and so happy to read this letter. Susan gave me complete honesty. In a million years I would not have imagined that she’d just want to go out with me. I didn’t ask her out. She seemed genuinely touched by my feelings. She invited me to be her friend. No one- not Kirsten or Mandy or Tami or Dana or Heather or Jackie or anyone- has ever cared to say what Susan said.

Anyway, later on last night, I went by Susan’s room and found a not which said that she was at the infirmary for the night. That made me feel bad for her. Meanwhile, I was so exhausted. I meant to do so much work last night. I did none, and I fell asleep without realizing that I wouldn’t wake up until 5AM.

When I woke up at 5AM, I wanted to do some work that was due for the day. But my mind was on Susan, and on writing her another letter, which I’d drop off at the infirmary in the hospital. So I spent almost an hour writing her another note. I thanked her for her note and told her that I understood everything she was saying. I told her that I really just need a friend, too. I also told her that I have never had a girlfriend.

I just didn’t have time to do any work, because I had to get ready so that I could go to the hospital and still catch the bus to East. I dropped the note off with a nurse at the infirmary and caught the bus.

My classes were rough, because I realized just how much work I’m making myself have by not getting any done. I had my four classes, and then I had my computer science lab back at West. So I was just about in classes all day.

When I finally got to check my mail, I was surprised to find a letter from Kirsten. She responded to my postcard. Kirsten wasn’t very emotional, as usual, but she did tell me that she was having a lot of fun, and told me to please write her back soon. I think I will write her rather than call.
I’ve talked to Larry many, many times already, and our conversations are not worth summarizing.

Susan is still in the infirmary tonight. I planned to do a lot of work tonight. I did very, very little. Instead, I wandered the hallways, going into rooms (mostly girls’) and saying whatever was on my mind. I think most people like me here.

I carried my philosophy book around for hours without reading anything. I wound up having a very long conversation with a girl from North Carolina who’s on this floor. I forgot her name! We had a deep talk about coming to college and everything we’re facing.

All of my contemplation tonight led me to the conclusion that I should drop my weight-training, and I’m going to do that. I just can’t handle something that I’m really not that enthusiastic about.

I’m very tired now, so I’ll write sometime tomorrow.

10:45AM

Given what happened this morning, I’ll have to explain what happened yesterday in the Susan story.

First of all, classes were decent. Left a note on Rachel’s door that I never got a reply to. Ran into Elise at the East Food Court. She seemed uncomfortable to see me. I sat down next to her, and she nervously left a minute later after finishing her food. I returned to Trent and made some calls about jobs, but most offices were closed for Labor Day. So I went to West to buy the remainder of my books and some other junk. I got back to Trent around 4:45.

I wanted to do a lot of work. I don’t know what happened. Gradually, I became more and more entrenched in my feelings for Susan. I felt like I was reaching a dead end. I handwrote the letter I had typed, making a couple of minor revisions. The familiar pattern of a lot of people finding out that I like Susan happened. I needed to talk to some people, and too many people wound up finding out or figuring it out. I wound up wandering around Trent 2 a lot last night contemplating what to do. Some guys strongly warned me against giving Susan the letter, saying I should try to talk to her, saying that a girl doesn’t want a guy who has no confidence in himself. Everyone’s advice was pretty valid, but nothing changed the fact that there was nothing I could say to Susan.

Meanwhile, I think Susan was talking to John a lot, and I could sense that she likes him a lot. This really made me feel like I was at a dead end. But still, I heeded my dormmates’ advice and refrained from giving Susan the letter. Some guys really thought the letter was kind of nice, which was good to hear. At one point after midnight, I was in the room of these two girls, Kate and Merrie, listening to my depressing Air Supply songs, trying to somehow calm myself down. While I lay on the floor in a state of despondence, I saw Susan walk by and smile at me. It broke my heart (again.) After the Air Supply was done, I looked down the hall and saw Susan sitting outside John’s room. My heart broke again, and this time it had had enough. I’d look like a complete fool to give her the letter with John right there. Susan’s roommate Felicia was in their room. So I kindly asked Felicia to give Susan the note, and I left.

I giant weight was lifted from me. I felt relieved. I was still pained, but knowing that Susan would soon know my feelings was a relief. Ironically, as I went back to my room, I passed by Susan at John’s room, and I asked her how she was doing. A few minutes later, I saw Susan get up to return to her room, and I knew she was about to read my letter.

This morning, I drove to West to make sure I got to my weight training class early. The instructor seemed a little rigid at first (I had missed Thursday’s lecture), but I think I’ll be okay in the class (with the instructor, that is.) Now, there is virtually nobody on this floor who has any class with me. (A girl Francesca is in my UWC.) And so the odds of someone from this dorm being in my gym class seemed very slim, especially since no one from Trent 2 was there last Tuesday, but someone from here had added the class to his schedule. Yes, it was a tremendous shock to find that, coincidentally, one of the people who had just added weight-training to his schedule was…JOHN!

I looked forward to my weights class as a chance to relieve some of the tensions caused by my feelings for Susan. Only two people in the entire university could upset me with their presence in this class. And I’m lucky enough to have one of them with me.

What really sucks is that John is a nice guy. He’s a guy I’d want Kirsten, or Susan, to go out with. I can’t say he’s a jerk, that he’s someone Susan shouldn’t hang out with. I talked to John a lot this morning. I gave him a ride back here. There was no mention of females in our conversation, but I must wonder if he knows I like Susan.

Anyway, I got a call before I left this morning from a woman in the UWC office. I’ve got a job interview set for Thursday. But I’m going to try to call some other people, too. I’ve got a lot of work to do today, too. But no classes.

Will I hear from Susan? I guess that’s the big question for today. I’m going to take a shower now…

2:45PM

Showered, got dressed, ate lunch in the Trent Cafe, went to the West, got only a pointless week-old letter from Mom at my mailbox, went to Perkins Library, got nothing done, felt too tired, returned to dorm.
I have a lot of stuff to do, but I just feel like relaxing right now. I’ve got a lot of stuff to do later not related to my work. I’ll write about that stuff later.

9:00PM

My goal last night and for most of today has been to get some work done, and I’ve been very unsuccessful so far at completing it. This isn’t going to change at all over the course of the next hour either. At 10:00, there’s a dorm meeting for Trent 2 at which elections will be held for house council. I’m running unopposed for House Programmer. (I don’t know if I ever mentioned this.) I didn’t write a speech, although I’m supposed to make one. Anyway, I figure I really won’t get to doing any work until after this meeting.

Anyway, I didn’t sleep before, I don’t think, but I was in bed for awhile. I spent awhile figuring how I can eventually copy the entries from the old program to this new program. I called a College Bowl guy and told him I wouldn’t make the meeting for it. Instead, I went to a meeting for the Duke radio station, WXDU. I want to do news for it. I could be doing news updates, actually. I almost didn’t go to the meeting, but I’m glad that I did.

When I got back to the dorm, I was relieved that Michael was going out. Earlier, he was playing his damn guitar, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. He’s gone right now. I’m so much more at peace when he’s not around. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get depressed about Susan, though. Earlier, I had to go to Hanes (a dorm) across the street to get computer class dittos from this guy Mark who had borrowed them. When I turned onto the main hallway, I saw Susan for the first time all day, smiling as some guy twirled her around. I felt like I had just hit a wall of bricks. I bounced right back and headed back to my room, and then down the back stairs. I’m sure I’ll see her again later at the dorm meeting. Great.

It’s now 9:15. I could write some more about a lot of things I haven’t written about yet, but I suppose there are other more important things for me to do, although I probably will not do them at this time…

11:10PM

Just a little while ago, I received the sweetest, nicest letter I’ve ever read. Never has a letter made me feel as good as the one I got from Susan.

I’ve got work to do now, so I’ll have to write more some other time…

12:50AM

I’ve got no desire to write anything tonight. I just want to go to sleep. The Susan situation reached a climax tonight. She got my slightly rewritten letter. That’s it. Maybe I’ll write about Susan tomorrow.

11:55AM

The surprisingly decent mood I found myself in last night was washed away when Michael came back to the room. I was trying to sleep, and he had to be so fucking loud. (I’ll use expletives, because I’m really pissed.) He showed absolutely no consideration for me as he talked to whatever people he had brought back to the room. He was probably pissed that he couldn’t have them all hang out here because of me. At one point, he was looking for something and couldn’t find it, and he blamed it on me having rearranged the room, which is complete bullshit. I wanted to yell out, “Fuck you, and why don’t you get the fuck out of the here.” But I know that creating an incident with Michael is not in my best interest, as illustrated earlier in the week with answering machine mess. I think everyone left the room after a couple of minutes, but then I was woken up about an hour later by my roommate’s return. (I did not give any signs that I was not asleep.)

I’m left wondering why I am so damn considerate. Why do I try to be quiet when Michael’s asleep in here? He seems pissed when I’ve get him up during the week typing in here at 2AM or something.

Last night, Michael’s girlfriend Hannah from home called twice wanting to speak to Michael. She told me that she’s going to surprise him here Friday night. Hannah sounds so sweet on the phone, so it makes me sick that she’s going out with my asshole of a roommate. (My asshole of a roommate is still here, sleeping or at least trying to sleep despite the loud racket of my typing.)

I’m sure that Michael is just as unhappy with me as I am with him. I’m so tired of being known as “Big Dave,” like they (Michael, Tyler, Asher) really think I’m so cool. This past summer wasn’t exactly great, but at least I think I learned that the likes of Larry, Steven, Aaron, Tim, Jeffrey, etc. really did respect me. I’ve gained the respect of a couple of the guys in the dorm, like Craig, Gary, and Nate, but I can tell I’m just a joke to Michael, Tyler, Asher, and some of the other guys.

9:05PM

Right now, I don’t hold all of the opinions I held this morning. I think I just had a lot of frustration to let out, and it’s gone for now.

Michael worked on building a loft today, and I went to watch some NFL football and then to the Perkins Library to get some work done. It started pouring while I was at the library, and it took me awhile after I was ready to leave before I decided that it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to get soaked going back to my car, which was parked a considerable distance from Perkins. I watched the Giants win their first game back here at Trent. Michael finished his loft, and he left a little while ago to go to Perkins himself to do some work. He won’t be back for a few hours, so I’ve got time to get some work done. I have to work on my culture journal for my UWC (writing) class. I made wind up pulling a lot of stuff out of this journal or copying some of my culture journal stuff into here.

I would’ve been writing in here about twenty minutes ago, but Jamie Thoreau called. She just got back from home in Roanoke, and we talked about our weekend. I’ve got a friend in Jamie, and I think I can count on her, and that’s good to know.

Susan was sick today and went to the infirmary. I broke my heart to see her feeling bad, and I told her I hoped she felt better, which she seemed to appreciate.

Elise told me today how she spent the afternoon at the mall with her boyfriend. Whatever. I don’t know what to think about this. I wouldn’t be surprised if Susan had a boyfriend, or if Rachel did, or if every girl at Duke does.

I should stop writing now and get some work done.

11:10PM

Michael isn’t back yet, so now would probably be a good time to write one last time for the night. I just finished writing an entry for my culture journal for UWC. I wrote about the late-night TV wars. No big deal. I don’t feel like writing another entry. My teacher said that our first paper could count as a journal entry.

So I think I’ll just relax for the rest of the night. Second full week at Duke begins tomorrow. I’m sure it will be eventful. I’m sure I’ll have more ups and downs. I’m sure there will be at least a few girls on my mind. I’m sure I’ll have some rough spots with my roommate. I’m sure it won’t be that easy to get a job. But everything will be okay (eventually.)

1:30AM

Still awake, but not for long. I seem to find more energy around midnight. I walked around the floor and talked to some people whom I had never really talked to before. I told a couple of people about Susan, although I had contradicting the fact that I always feel bad that everyone knows that I like a girl before the girl does. But I feel better talking to people and looking for advice. And since I don’t know how to get her to know how I feel, I somehow hope she’ll find out through someone else, although then there’s the risk that she’ll misinterrupt exactly how I feel. I would’ve said good night to Susan, but her door was closed. Earlier, I had seen her with John, and my heart broke, but I tried not to think about that when I went by her room. I had written her a note on her board telling her that I hoped she felt better. I changed that note tonight to, “I really, really hope you really feel really, really better.” Sounds very stupid, but maybe it will get some point across to her.

I’ve got my four classes tomorrow. I’ve got be up in five hours. I hope my alarm works.

10:45AM

I’ll start back at late Thursday night. I was hanging out in Julie and Pam’s room on this floor for about an hour and a half. I had gone there to talk to them about my Susan problem, but there were others in the room, and so I said nothing and just sat or stood there the whole time. FInally, everyone left, and I told Pam at 2:30AM what the problem was. I talked to her for about ten minutes, but she had to go to sleep. But at least I talked to somebody. I still felt like shit when I went to sleep.
I missed the bus again yesterday and had to take my car to East Campus for classes. I’ll write about classes some other time. For lunch, I met Jamie Thoreau (from Prodigy and the mail) for the first time. She’s very nice and very pretty, and she’s gone all weekend to visit her boyfriend back home. We sat down to eat with Rachel Epstein and a couple of her friends. It was strange eating with two of my female friends.
After my comp-sci class, I decided to stop over in Gilbert-Addoms before driving back to North and calling about jobs. I was going to leave a note on Rachel’s door and see if Gupta was around just for the hell of it. On my way up the stairs, I saw Rachel and two of her friends, a guy and a girl. They were on there way to Ninth Street. I offered them a ride there, which they accepted. We went into a record store, and I sought some advice from Rachel on what tape I should get, since she told me my music was cheesy. She suggested a Smashing Pumpkins tape, which I got. $9 down because of a girl. We walked around a little more. Later, Rachel wanted to see something on West, so I gave her a ride, and then I gave her a ride back to East.
Meanwhile, I had to look for a job, and I had to get an allergy shot. The couple of places I called back about jobs weren’t hiring anymore. It took almost an hour to get my shots. 5:00 came, and I still didn’t have a job, so my search will continue Monday.
I did do something fun last night. I went to a Durham Bulls game with Craig Schwartz. It was the last night game and penultimate gave ever at the old Durham Athletic Park. I wasted more money, not only getting a shirt and pennant for myself, but getting stuff for Larry, too, which he probably won’t appreciate. (I have almost no cash left.)
We got back around 9:45, because we only stayed into the fifth inning. I went with Tyler to West to my FAC Laura’s room where there was a very small party. I drank a little, but I screwed myself up for the night by downing a beer in fifteen seconds. The parties were on East last night, and I went with the guys in my FAC group, but I didn’t feel like sticking around. I was tired and upset for being so pointlessly drunk.
I took a bus that took my back to West for some reason. I waited there forever for a bus to North, and I saw Elise there. Elise is the girl that I walked around with several nights ago, and I hadn’t really seen her since. I hadn’t thought too much about her since Susan and Rachel were on my mind. Elise wanted to walk back to Trent, and I wasn’t sure she’d want to walk back with me, especially since I was drunk (I think Elise had just seen a movie.) But she wanted me to walk with her, and we talked a little, and it was nice. I was sad to part with her back at Trent, because I knew I was headed towards a lonely rest of the night, which I was.
I fell asleep quickly and slept for a couple of hours. I woke up and wandered the halls briefly, seeing Susan in the commons and feeling my heart break again just talking to her. That’s when I came back here and wrote that letter, which I still do not know when I will deliver.

6:20PM

Tonight is shaping up to be a miserable night, and I don’t know how to make it into anything else. Everyone is at the football game, which starts at 7:00. Duke is playing top-ranked Florida State. I’d like to go, but I’ve got no one to go with. I suppose there were groups I could’ve latched on to, but I’d rather be going with people who really wanted me to go with them. I spent the afternoon semi-productively getting some work done at the library with Craig. I don’t think Craig is going to the game, but I don’t know where he is right now. But I don’t think Craig will be too upset if he just gets some work done tonight. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get anything productive done. The dorm is virutally empty. No noise. Almost complete solitude. How absolutely depressing for a Saturday night at Duke. Susan’s at the game with some guy. Rachel’s out. Elise is out on a blind date at the game with a frat guy. All the girls here are unapproachable, for me at least.
I’m pretty certain that my letter to Susan will be delivered soon, because I don’t see anyway I’ll ever be able to talk to her or do anything with her. Seeing things futile already, things can’t get any worse by me giving her the letter. After she gets the letter, I’ll either get a response, or I won’t, and then, assuming she doesn’t give a shit about me (which is the easiest thing to assume), I can try not to think about her anymore.
I’ve got a lot of work to do. Now’s a good chance to really fix up my stuff in the room. Lonely Saturday nights are nothing new to me. It certainly sucks that I have to have one at Duke. Can I get anything productive done, though? I certainly never could at home.
The very strange aspect of what’s happening is that nobody from home is involved. Larry, Kirsten, Mandy, Tami, Steven, Tim, Jeffrey, Whip… They’re all in the past, for the most part. Clean slate. Now there’s Michael, Tyler, Asher, Susan, Rachel, Elise, etc. No Barbara S______ is certainly a big plus. But I always tried to remove her from my list of problems anyway.
Tonight is certainly an ideal opportunity to write a lot in here, but I’ll pass in favor of other productive things, I think. But I do think I’ll put that keg paper in here and comment very briefly upon it. The paper describes what happened a week ago from this past Friday:

Duke and drinking- I knew that the latter was embedded in the essence of the former, although this fact did not bother me in the least as I prepared to attend my university, Duke University. However, whatever nebulous blueprint I had conjured up for my first few days at Duke did not include the consumption of alcohol. Nonetheless, I found myself touring “the kegs” my first Saturday night at Duke. I found myself becoming immersed into Duke’s culture.
I certainly do not consider myself to have been a heavy drinker in high school. My social opportunities to drink were limited, and, thus, the occasions on which I drank and perhaps became drunk were very few as well. But I had been exposed to alcohol enough to know what effects it would have on me- my actions, my personality. While drinking always made me a more social person, as it does to most, I never drank to the point where I would lose the sense of who my true self was. Alcohol never compromised my morals or my emotions. And so one question which has pervaded my mind during my initiation into life at Duke has been, “What will my relationship with alcohol be now that I have entered a world which, much more than the place from which I come, truly embraces alcohol as part of its culture?” Introduction to “the kegs” at Duke has enabled me to begin answering this question.
The kegs. My “friends” from back home in New Jersey had to use their fake IDs to obtain them. Not until graduation-time did kegs even make an appearance at most parties (although that statement evolves from my very limited perspective of the high school social scene). But at college- at Duke- the kegs are simply a fact of life. Sure, they are supposedly banned on campus except for on weekends, but when the weekends do roll around, the kegs roll with them.
My cultural experience at Duke Saturday night found me among a small group of freshmen is search of these kegs on West Campus. I felt like an eaglet, gliding behind a few more learned predators, on a quest to find a party to descend upon. I had brought along an apparatus with me that I had heard might aid me if I happened to achieve the goal of finding a party. I plundered the Trent Cafe of a large-sized Coke cup which could be filled with 32 ounces of foaming brew. One of the elder hunters in the group led us to a small gathering of about a dozen upperclassmen. There were no other freshmen besides my wandering companions and me, and there was not much of a party, but there was a keg. And my Coke cup runneth over with beer. I downed the Super Big Gulp of beer in my hand and refilled for the unknown journey that would take me to the next party.
Next stop: Sigma Nu. Greek life. Okay. Of course, the significance of my first exposure to the world of frats did not escape me simply because the state of my mind was not completely lucid. As far as I know, this party epitomized the parties to come, although I am certainly no expert on the subject of frat parties at Duke. I observed casual contact between the sexes that I assumed would lead to much more in many cases. I saw the long lines of perspiring partygoers waiting for another refill of beer. A dark, crowded room contained the chaotic outlines of people dancing. Always self-conscious about my lack of dancing ability, I did realize that how I looked didn’t really matter to anybody. I was relaxed, and I was able to enjoy myself, which was a bit of a surprise to me. So I was just one of a hundred intoxicated souls, having fun. But I wonder how many of those people took some time to contemplate the nature of what they were experiencing. I am either blessed or damned with the tendency towards contemplation no matter what condition my mind might be in. What exactly was Dave S______ doing at this Sigma Nu party? Well, this mind-blowing question would just have to be discarded, as my new contemplation was on the question of how I could possibly enjoy dancing and talking to a female whom I would probably never see or speak to every again. Does anyone pause in the middle of a keg party to consider such a thought? Does anyone else consider the such a thought paramount enough to relate to the female in question? Well, Dave does. Luckily, a couple of more beers and change of location ended my decent into the sober realities of my situation.
My last stop on my first tour of the kegs was “Pika” (Pi Kappa Alpha.) No contemplation here. Maybe I had another beer. One recollection I have is of an urgent need to relieve myself of what I had consumed. (I will not recount how I accomplished this task.) I also recall having a lot of fun and a lot of failure attempting to throw a guy’s hat up to his window two stories up. I had found a girl from my dorm at Pika, and so I did not have to experience any lonely emptiness returning to my dorm around 2AM. I actually engaged in some thoughtful conversation upon my return to my floor, but my first contact with my pillow sent me straight into a deep state of unconsciousness.
Two extra-strength Tylenol caplets at 5AM, and I felt fine upon waking up at 10AM. I did not drink enough to vomit or to lose that sense of my “true self.” And I actually had a good time.
I constantly contradict myself over the idea of drinking. I often disdain drinking and all that is associated with it. Behaviors and attitudes I have observed in others while they have been drinking have disgusted me, and I sometimes lose respect for myself when I realize that my short-lived contentment is being induced my alcohol. I have the highest respect for those who chose not to drink for whatever reasons they might have. What I have just said might indicate that I am against drinking. But I’m usually not. No matter how crude and senseless drinking may seem, I still want to do it, and I am still going to do it.
So I am obviously still very confused about my attitudes towards drinking. For God’s sake, I have been a freshman at Duke for one week; I am in an alien world. I think I should be confused. There is no doubt that kegs are a dominant part of the culture here at Duke, and I have no doubt that it will take some time before I figure out exactly how I fit into this culture. I think I have only begun to tap the kegs.

I am so screwed up where my drinking habits are concerned. Last night, it was again evidenced that I’m very unsure of whether or not I really want to drink. Of course, sometimes I really want to drink. Tonight, I wouldn’t want to drink, but I don’t know if there’s some situation that could possibly arise under which I might drink. The conclusion of my paper made the point that I basically have no clue what my relationship with beer is going to be at Duke.

1:20AM

As has happened on a few occasions now since I’ve been here, what seemed like a completely hopeless situation, meaning tonight, didn’t turn out so bad in the end.
Craig was around, and I went scouting out the floor to see who else was around. I found that a girl named Mary was in her room and not at the football game. She practicing for tryouts for a musical that are tomorrow, so she had a pretty valid reason for not being out. Mary very really nice. I heard and watched her sing and dance a little. She said she was going downstairs to get something to eat and asked me if I wanted to come, and so Craig and I went with Mary to the Trent Cafe for dinner and hung out there for awhile until the staff told us they were closing up. Mary went back to practicing. I put myself to work rearranging my room.
I completely rearranged my stuff. I had originally put my dresser in my closet to conserve space, but I decided that I wanted to be able to open the drawers, and I figured I could fit the dresser somewhere. I took a long time to move everything so that everything fit well on my side of the room. Michael returned around 8:00 or so to find the room a mess, and he seemed pretty annoyed at the mess. He told me that he thought the room was fine before, and he said he saw no reason why I should have been changing it, especially by moving the dresser back into the room. I don’t know what his problem was, since I wasn’t touching his shit, and I told him the mess would be gone quickly. Michael left to go party soon enough.
To be honest, I wasn’t sure I could arrange the room so that it would work. But I did. I eventually finished, and now I like where everything is. I was able to toss all of my crates and a lot of my crap in the closet. For the first time since I’ve been here, my side of the room is neater than Michael’s. I also took down my beer games poster, since it really doesn’t represent who I am. So what’s on my wall? Well, everything I had before, except I’ve got a Durham Bulls pennant now. What did I have up before? I have my Robert Doisneau calendar, featuring romantic black and white photos from 1950s France. I’ve got a Doisneau poster. And I’ve got my Mets ‘86 World Champions pennant, a football Giants pennant, and a 1991 Duke Final Four Champions pennant. If I did nothing else all night, I’d be glad that I finally got my room in order.
But after I had finished with my room, I received a pleasant surprise. Elise Woodard had returned for the football game, and she visited my room. She didn’t seem to care too much for her frat blind date. She had lost her room key and couldn’t get into her room, so she hung out here for a little bit before finding an R.A. to get her into her room. But she said she’d come back, and she did, and then she stayed for an hour or two.
I just can’t help liking Elise a lot. She’s from Beaufort, North Carolina. She’s really sweet and innocent. I found out that she turned seventeen only in May, because she skipped a grade. She told me that she never drank at home, and she finally did last weekend. Elise seemed a little wary of kegs and the upperclassmen who like to take advantage of freshman girls. We talked a lot tonight, and we watched TV. We both found room on my bed, although I wasn’t really near her. I thought that Elise must like me at least a little to want to hang out with me. I wish I could’ve gotten closer to her, but I certainly wasn’t going to try anything when we seemed to have a good thing going. Elise left after Saturday Night Live ended at 1:00AM. She has to get up early for cross country practice.
Elise is someone I’d definitely feel comfortable asking if she wanted to do something sometime. I actually had called her room this afternoon when I got back from the library, but her roommate told me that she had left already. I think I’ll leave Elise a note on her door before I go to sleep.
The only positive thing about my situation (or lack thereof) with Susan is that my message from three nights ago is still up on her board, the message that says that I think she’s a nice person.
Anyway, I’m glad that Michael still didn’t come back, because it’s given me time with Elise, time by myself, and time with this journal.
Tomorrow, I have no current plans, but I’m sure I’ll get at least a little work done and watch at least a little football.
This is certainly my longest entry in awhile…

3:15AM

I feel like such major shit right now, and I don’t mean just because I have a decent-sized hangover. I feel all alone. I feel like I’m in conflict with myself. I don’t know what to do. I know I don’t feel like writing though (so why did I bother now?)

4:40AM

Dear Susan,

I hate writing this letter to you right now. I know reading this is probably the last thing you want to be doing. To apologize for writing this would be futile, because I could easily avoid making you uncomfortable by simply not writing this and leaving you alone. But I’m selfish, and I need to write this letter to you so that maybe I’ll stop destroying myself. So I just hope you can forgive me and not hate me. I don’t want to upset you. I swear that I don’t.

What I’m about to say will probably seem pretty stupid to you. I doubt that anyone else ever had to write you a pathetic letter like this one. And I’m sure you didn’t imagine receiving a note like this, especially only ten days after getting to college. I guess I should try to get to my point, because I’m probably not making you any happier by writing more for you to read.

Susan, I really like you a lot. You’re so sweet. You’re so beautiful. And I have no idea how to explain that I think you’re special without you thinking that I don’t even know you and can’t possibly care so much for you given that fact. And I can only imagine that you’re thinking that having a guy who barely knows you liking you so much is the last thing you need to deal with in your first month at college.

I know that there’s nothing you can probably say to me. I know I’ve just lost any chance of ever just being friends with you. I know what a fool I am. I can’t help it. I really am sorry.

By the way, you now know what was wrong with me a few nights ago. I knew back then that I just liked you too much, and that I should just leave you alone. You should be having a great time at college right now, and I don’t know want to do anything to mess that up.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve made a lot of friends already, and so I’m sure you don’t need me. I know this probably sounds very stupid for me to say, but I’m here if you ever need a friend. I promise.

Love Always,

Dave

I was bound to happen sooner or later. I wrote “the letter.” I don’t know when delivery will be. I think I’ll go to sleep now, and maybe I’ll explain today tomorrow…

10:00AM

“Oh, shit!” I thought when I woke up about a half-hour ago. I realized that I was missing my weight training class, which had started at 9:10. Two days ago when I went to the Card Gym for the class, the instructor didn’t show up. Now I’m wondering what to do. I have no other classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Do I really want to have this class? Do I want to make sure that I don’t sleep late every Tuesday and Thursday and do nothing? Or do I want to make sure I have those days free? I need to get a job today, if possible, and having two days completely free would be helpful. I’ll sort this out. I’ve got until Tuesday to figure out if I want to take this class.

Anyway, perhaps it’s a good thing that Susan was not the foremost subject on my mind when I woke up before. I’d go crazy if I just kept thinking about her.

I’ve got to take my clothes out of the dryer. I’ve got to get a job. I’ve got to do a lot of things…

2:00PM

Four hours ago, I didn’t think that anything worse than missing a class could happen to me today. But things got a lot worse.

I called the Duke Athletic Ticket office. Someone said that I’d be called back within a half-hour. I waited around the room, retrieving my clothes from the dryer in the meantime. No one called me back. Around 11:30, I tried to call the office back, until the discover that the phone wasn’t working. It apparently wasn’t plugged in. And then I realized that the problem was that the answering machine was gone. It just wasn’t in the room anymore. Someone had to have taken it. I got very pissed, because someone could have been trying to call me back about the job, and I had basically just been waiting around for a call. The only people I could suspect were Tyler and Asher from across the hall. They said they hadn’t seen it, as did Michael. I didn’t know what to think. I couldn’t just reattach the phone without rewiring everything, since the phone setup goes through the computer’s modem. I went to someone else’s room to call the office, only to hear that there were no more openings. And when I returned to my room, sure enough, the answering machine was back. I was completely pissed at this point. I couldn’t handle being around my room anymore. Sure, it was a harmless prank, but it screwed up my whole morning. As I was about to go out, I spilled some mouthwash on the floor. Michael returned to the room, and I didn’t say anything. He asked me why I spilled mouthwash, and I just looked at him and spit the mouthwash from my mouth into a hallway trashcan. And I walked away. Michael caught up to me and asked me what was wrong. I explained why I was pissed, and Michael asked why I had to take it out on him. I tried to apologize, but I also said that I was mad at him because he wasn’t upset at Asher and Tyler. And that was it.

But before I left the building, I realized that I had left my DukeCard and wallet in the room. I couldn’t face Michael, Asher, and Tyler, but I needed to get back to the room. I took a back staircase that has an exit right near my room. I opened the door, only to hear Michael said, “I don’t like ‘Big Dave’ right now.” And I turned around and thought about what I had just heard in the staircase for about ten minutes. I wandered around the dorm for another ten minutes feeling like complete crap. I could not recall ever hearing someone say that they did not like me. I’m sure there have been people who may not have liked me, but I actually heard someone say this.

Feeling completely worthless, I went by Susan’s room, and I contemplated erasing the message I had left on her board late last night. I’m sure she read the message, which told her that I thought she was a very nice person and wished her a good night. I thought that what I had written was so stupid, so childish, so pathetically me. But I didnt erase what I had written, and as I walked down the hall towards my hall, I passed Susan. She thanked me for my note, and I pathetically said something which I’m sure she could not understand. Seeing Susan made me realize again how much I really like her, and how much I have no chance with her being the way that I am.

Michael was on the phone when I returned to the room. I grabbed my stuff and left. I took the bus to West. I mailed postcards to Grandma and Grandpa, Mandy, and Tami. I had no mail. I ate some lunch. I went to the financial aid office to take care of something I learned I had to go the student loan office for. It began to rain, and I walked the long walk back here.

But on the way back, I passed Michael and Asher. Asher apologized. I apologized to them both. Everything seemed cool. And that’s it. So I just told this whole long story when I could have just ignored the incident in this journal.

Now what? I don’t know. I’ve got a lot to do. I’ll write more later…

6:20PM

This afternoon’s incident is behind me now. I tried to do some French homework after I wrote before. It was lonely and uncomfortable in this room, so I went to the floor’s commons area. It was very hot in there, but more importantly, Susan was in there. She was doing math with some guy. I didn’t go up to her, and she didn’t try to communicate with me. I couldn’t stay there, and so I came back to my room. I got a little bit of work done. I also called some numbers about a job. Tomorrow, I really hope I find a job.

Michael came back from a class around 4:00, and he wanted to go to town to get some tools, because he’s getting a loft. I got a clock/radio/alarm to replace the one that had broken so I shouldn’t miss a class again.

I ate dinner downstairs in the Trent Cafe. There are meetings for the Majors Speakers Committee and for Cable 13 at 7:00, and I’m going to both of them.

Susan? Well, I guess she’ll be someone I juson’t be able to talk to. I can’t dwell on it, or else I’ll go insane. I don’t know. Am I just going to keep liking girls and not be able to talk to them? I don’t know…

11:30PM

I think that it’s safe to assume that I’m by myself whenever I’m typing. Michael’s out partying, although I’ve only had the room to myself for an hour or so. Before that, I was at Hanes Annex listening to French class tapes with Annie. And then I wandered around Trent a lot.

I can’t quite believe that Susan remains such a strong presence in my mind. I can’t get her out of my mind. I barely saw her today, and when I did, she really didn’t go out of her way at all to say high to me. She wasn’t in her room when I checked tonight. I sat in her room with her roommate Felicia for awhile, though. I love that room. It’s so bright and cheery. It doesn’t look like a college dorm room. It looks like a room in a nice house. Susan has a few stuffed animals on her bed. She’s got an “Aladdin” poster. She’s got some beautiful nature pictures. And Susan’s so beautiful and so sweet. But she’s probably been out with some guy she likes all night. This liking of Susan as got to stop, Dave. It’s just headed on an all-too-familiar path. But I don’t know what to do any differently than I’ve done before. I can start by not writing any confessions of feelings to her, at least not until I’ve known for a little longer and talked to her a lot more.

I don’t want to write anymore right now. I’m not sure exactly what I’ll do. Perhaps another heartwrenching visit to Susan’s room. I don’t know.

Gee, this Dave at Duke isn’t much different than the Dave in North Brunswick…

12:15AM

Now’s a good time to just say, “Fuck me; fuck life.” Shades of Olivia and Washington. But I like Susan about fifty times more than I liked Olivia. They look a little alike. They both come off as being very sweet. And they both hooked up with tall, good looking guys. Tonight, the reason Susan wasn’t around was because she was out with John seeing a Freewater film. I just was in her room when they both returned. Great. I guess she didn’t have any work to worry about tonight like she did last night. Well, I can tell John’s a really cool guy, and I know I’ve got absolutely no chance with Susan now or ever.

Fuck, I know I’ve spoken to Susan only about twice, and that I barely know her. But the fact that I’m feeling so much pain over her means that I know that she’s someone very special. Damn, I don’t know why or how I can consider a girl special even if I barely know her, but I just do.

Shit, I’m at the point where I really just need her to know that I like her, because then I can try to move on. God (if you don’t mind being in the same paragraph with the word “shit”), I’m talking as if I’ve had some kind of relationship with Susan. I can’t help how I am. I barely know her, but she’s special to me, and I care about her.

That’s it. I’m going to find some female on the other side of the hall to explain my pathetic situation to…

2:30AM

It took two hours for my mission to become accomplished. It’s a pathetic story, which I might tell tomorrow. I better go to sleep very soon…

5:45PM

For the moment, I have shifted into a neutral mode. Michael went off to do some reading. I have a lot of stuff I could be doing, but my old habit of contemplating life has returned to me, and so I’ve returned, for as briefly as it might be, to my journal. I just spent about twenty minutes formatting Microsoft Word with the font and margins I want in order to type my journal using the program. So no more Smith Corona Personal Word Processor entries. That program sucked, to be blunt.

I had classes for the second time today. They’re going alright. When I really have some time, I’ll write about each of them. I’m taking the writing course, philosophy, French, and computer science, by the way.

I still haven’t gotten a job. I had little time to go the job fair today, and I don’t exactly like a lot of the jobs that are out there. There’s the possibility that there’s a spot working in the Duke Athletic Ticket Office, but I won’t know if there’s one until tomorrow. I’d like a job there, and so I wasn’t too motivated to call any of the numbers I had about work-study jobs.

I know I haven’t written about very much since I’ve been here at Duke. I very briefly described some of the misery I felt during my first couple of days. I briefly mentioned that I was gradually coming out of that misery. I’ve been doing fine for the last couple of days. But right now, I’m a little bored and thinking too much.

I’ve talked to dozens of girls, and I’ve got the numbers and dorm rooms of several of them. I won’t mention them now, because I probably won’t be talking to them all one week from now. It’s just that I still cannot help looking for “the one.” I certainly wouldn’t mind finding some very good friends. Yeah, maybe I look to much towards females to find friends, but I think that it’s been evidenced in my life that girls understand me better than my guy friends.

Anyway, tonight I’ve got a lot of things I can do. I definitely must do laundry, because I was forced to wear jeans today in the stifling 95 degree Durham heat. I’ve got a lot of work I can do, although it’s not due until Friday, and even then, most of my work is ongoing stuff, like reading. There’s a Hillel meeting at 8:00, which I suppose I’ll go to, because the bagel brunch and dorm dinner weren’t really meetings, and I should go if I want to be involved at all. I know a few guys from my dorm who are going to be in Hillel, and I think this girl Rachel from East Campus whom I like a lot will be in Hillel. So I’ve got some motivation to go.

6:00 now. I think I’ll stop writing, because there’s something I should be doing. I hope I find it…

10:50PM

After I last wrote, I entered a minor tailspin. Take my typical pacing around my room having no one to call and go anywhere with and translate it to Duke. I just wanted to find someone to have dinner with, and I couldn’t find anyone. I paced the hallways of Trent 2 and found myself pretty much alone. It was a shitty feeling. There were people hanging out, but I felt awkward interrupting certain conversations.

But things turned around. Someone told me that a few people and her were going out to eat and asked if I wanted to come. And so I went to dinner with Nelle, Colleen, Theo, and Gary. (One day I may attempt to explain who these people are.) So we went out, and I had a good time. And when we were done, I had somewhere else to go.

At 8:00, I went to the Chapel basement for a Hillel ice cream social, where I met or reacquainted myself with a lot of people. I signed up for a Hillel committee and may actually get involved, which is something I hadn’t planned on before coming down to Duke. Of all the people I talked to, I really liked talking to this girl Susan, whom I had met way back last week and not really talked to since. I’m hoping she’ll choose to go to see “Fletch” over on West Campus over studying, but she probably won’t. I’ll go to see “Fletch” with this guy Nate either way.

Shit- I’ve got laundry that must go into the dryer. So I’m going to go now. I’m liking this “new” journal…

11:55PM

The “old” Dave is back, and he’s pissing me off. God, why, after only being here one week, do I have to fall in l—…like already? Why must I suddenly lose my inability to communicate? Why must I extinguish already any chances of becoming friends with this girl? I’ve met lots of girls that I’ve liked so far, but the girl who’s making me regress to my old self is Susan. Brief story:

Around 11:15, I went over to Susan’s to see if she wanted to come to see “Fletch.” She was on the phone, but she told me to come back in a minute so we could finish our earlier conversation. I did come back, and she said that she just couldn’t go, since she had work to do and an 8AM class in the morning. Meanwhile, Nate had left on his own. But I wasn’t going to join him. So I was in Susan’s room; a friend of hers was there, too. (This friend’s name, like many, many others, escapes me right now.) Susan Barnett, that’s her name. I just looked up her photo in the freshman directory. Anyway, I was just standing around her room, not saying very much. She was talking to her friend, and I couldn’t help but to enter my usual road of self-doubt and anxiety. God, I liked her a lot, and I couldn’t stand being around her knowing that I simply didn’t know how to talk to her. Eventually, I just said that I was going back to my room.

As I walked away from her room down the hall, Susan came outside and called my name. She asked me if I was okay, because something seemed wrong. I experienced the familiar and painful feeling of looking into her beautiful eyes. I just said that I needed to go think in my room, and that I’d be okay. She wanted to help, to listen, but I knew I couldn’t explain what the problem was. I had, all by myself, dug a hole that I was sinking quickly into.

When I returned to my room, I planned to write in here, and I found Michael and a couple of others drinking beers. Asher asked me if I wanted a beer, and I definitely did. I pounded that can like I never pounded before. A rush overcame me. And then I felt like shit. I told Susan I’d come back later. I almost went back. But I couldn’t use my slight intoxication as an excuse to talk to her.

And right now, I don’t know what to say to her. But I have to see her again tonight.

1:00AM

Unable to do homework. Unable to do anything else productive. Why? Not to hard to guess, for all of you have become experts in the life of David H_____ S______. A girl. In the words of Anna Wegner, “Oh, God!”

I said good night to Susan, and so, well, I don’t know. Hell, at least I’m writing in this damn journal again…