1:50PM
Susan Barnett
The Honor of Your Company
Is Requested for Dinner
The Evening of
Sunday, October 3, 1993
at 6:00PM
(so we can talk)
RSVP at 613-xxxx
I didn’t wake up until 12:00 to my dismay. (I hadn’t gone to bed until after 5. My roommate Jackson was reading my Susan letter series and suprisingly, he didn’t think I was completely crazy.) Anyway, I bummed around for awhile. Larry called for my football picks. I further finalized plans to visit him in a couple of weeks over fall break. And then I spent awhile working on the above invitation.
AND IT WORKED! I didn’t expect Susan to be home, but she was, and she said, “Sounds great.” And so I can finally talk to her alone away from the dorm.
And now I can get some work done finally…
7:35PM
I got some work done. I did all of the UWC journals I had to do. And that took me through 5:15. Then I showered and got dressed in preparation for going to dinner with Susan.
At 6:00, I met Susan at her room, and we went to eat at The Pub on Central Campus (where the apartments are.) It was such a nice dinner. We talked about a lot of different things. She told me more about her musical experiences, which just gave me more reasons to think she’s terrific. And she told me about visiting children at the hospital today for Hillel. She’s part of the Durham schools tutoring program, and I explained to her how I wanted to do that, too, and now I’m sure I’m going to call Michelle from Hillel to see if I can do this. Susan asked me about my family, and I told her about my family EXCEPT for the bad stuff. That will come out eventually, but Susan knows about enough of my problems for now.
It wasn’t until we were walking back to Trent that I asked if things were okay between us, and we then talked about our friendship. The fact that we talked without talking about our friendship for about 45 minutes showed that things can be okay between us. I really feel like things are okay between us. I’m scared that I’ll have a relapse, but I can’t worry about that constantly. I didn’t mention CAPS to Susan, but I think I must definitely find time to go this week.
So I’m back here now, and I must now move on to my hardest subject- philosophy. I have a long reading to do, and I have to do the presentation to the class tomorrow, so I must understand the section. I feel so much better about everything, though, knowing that things are finally okay with Susan.
1:00PM
I just reread last night’s letter to Susan, and it certainly was one awful letter.
I just woke up, in fact, about a half hour ago. I must have slept for over ten hours. I just went to sleep with all of my clothes on, contacts in, etc. I put the letter under Susan’s door before she got home last night, and I felt a little better after calling up Stacy and talking to her on the phone, and then I went to sleep.
I had an interim period last night when things were okay, and that’s when I went out to dinner with Thom, Craig, and Theo. We went out to a Mexico restaurant, and then we went to this ice cream and chocolate place. I saw all these truffles, and all I could think about was how much Susan likes chocolate. And so I had to get two of each kind of truffle, and then they brought them back to Susan, not as a gift, but to share with her. Well, we ate some truffles in Natalie’s room, and so other people had some truffles, too. Susan only had a few, and then she just left Natalie’s room, and that was it.
I soon realized that Susan really didn’t need those truffles, and I had just done yet another nice thing that wasn’t necessary. Craig, who never drinks, was going to drink in Kevin’s room. I went down there, but everything they were drinking was gone. I wanted to go out to parties and get hammered. I couldn’t find anyone who was leaving. Craig later went to the commons room, where he talked to Susan. I couldn’t be in there. I was quickly becoming very miserable. And soon enough, I was in the staircase right by an open window. And the rest in well-documented in my letter.
I’ve got work to do today. I’m supposed to go to town with this guy Craig to look at TVs for Trent 2. This guy Craig I mention is the guy who hangs out with Susan, the guy I think is a real asshole. But I’m not going to call him or anything. I don’t think we have to go to check out TVs we’re not going to buy today. I’ve got an ad with TVs. I know how TVs work. I don’t think two trips are necessary. I don’t know if Craig or anyone else agrees with me, though.
Anyway, no notes or calls from Susan since my letter. I don’t expect any. Hard to believe, but tonight will mark one week since I had a long, emotional conversation with Susan in the Trent 2 Commons. This came after I had put my sonnet on her board, written her a note telling her I’d leave her alone, and then written her another telling her I needed to talk to her. Well, this time, I told her that I had no desire to stop talking to her, so if she has anything she can say to me, she can say it. But I know she may have nothing to say. Anyway…
4:25AM
Dear Susan,
I can’t express to you how badly I feel right now. The worst thing I feel I can ever do is to make someone else feel the same hurt and sadness that I do, and that’s what I’ve done. One huge reason why crashing into concrete might not seem so bad is that I don’t ever want to create problems for someone like I’ve created for you.
I really feel like I’ve worded something to you wrong, because I’ve somehow given you an impression that is not true. I have been trying very hard to explain to you that I expect nothing from you. I know you don’t hold the key to fixing my life. I know it is not fair to expect anything from you. I don’t. Please believe me when I say this. I’ve obviously made you think that I think I’ll die without you. I suppose the half of me that’s wanted to drive you away from me has been doing a good job, and I guess it’s convinced you that I am obsessed. You said that I’m scaring you. I can understand why I’m scaring you, but to think that this is what I’m doing is the worst feeling in the world,
This past week, I still felt like I was intruding in your life. When I went to the Bryan Center yesterday, I actually thought to myself that it would be nice if I saw you there, because I might be inspired to a better, more positive mood. But I figured there wasn’t much chance I’d see you. But I did. But I suddenly thought that I was probably the last person you wanted to run into.
I’m not blaming you for anything. I feel like such dirt for not feeling better despite all your efforts to help me. What can I do or say to you to make everything okay? Nothing, right? I am not trying to change you or your feelings. You have not failed me. I have obviously failed you and failed myself.
I just thought again about the fact that I’m scaring you. See, I’ve thought that I’ve been scaring you long before you thought I was, and that’s contributed a lot to my erratic behavior. I’ll avoid you because I’m afraid I’ll scare you if you see me too much. I’ll abruptly get depressed after seeing you because I’m afraid my presence is scaring you.
Have I said anything that changes anything? Have I just given you any reason to believe that you can handle being friends with me? I don’t know. I actually don’t think that I’m an impossible situation to deal with. I’m not asking of you what you seem to think I’m asking of you. I might have said in my last letter that I need someone to always be there, etc. Well, that’s an ideal need, one that I know is impossible to fulfill. I know this, and even if there was such a person out there, I don’t expect it to be you. I just need your friendship. I need you to trust me that I’m not really insane. I need you to make an exception to a rule for me. Maybe most friends have some understanding as to when someone’s hanging around too much, asking too much, etc. You know I’m always assuming that I’m doing those things, so I need your help to tell me when I am doing those things. You told me that you can’t keep accepting my gifts. I am glad you told me this, because I understand this and respect this. If you had plans, and I asked if I could come, you could just tell me that you’d rather I not come. Maybe you can’t do this. Maybe I am asking something of you now that you can’t do. I don’t know.
…4:20PM. I just got a surprise phne call from Heather from Kentucky. She NEVER calls me. It’s no shock to her what’s going on with me right now. I’m probably miserable 90% of the time I talk to her. But that percentage is about accurate all the time.
Anyway, where was I? Nowhere, I think. Was I getting anywhere? Okay, I just had a productive thought. Would it be possible to make some kind of agreement that we can come talk to each other whenever there’s something bothering us that won’tgo away? I mean, would it be better if I just told you things when they were first on my mind? And at the same time, if I’m doing anything that upsets you or makes you uncomfortable, can you tell me right away? Does this sound reasonable? Or does it sound completely stupid that friends have to make these kinds of agreements to begin with?
I’ve said enough for now. I hope you know that everything I’m saying is as honest as I can possibly make it. I’m trying so hard to make my friendship with you work without making you miserable. I’m not succeeding, and it’s tearing me apart. So here’s my latest attempt. Did it accomplish anything? Write back soon or call me or come talk to me. By the way, I hope you’re feeling okay. Love, Dave
It’s been a very long day since I last wrote, so I’ll try to summarize as briefly as possible. I did all of my French homework this afternoon, and I received a reply letter from Susan in the midst of doing that. And I wrote her back, the text of that letter being above. I think the contents of that letter can give some idea of what she said.
I showered, went up to Trent 2, and hung out with Thom and Craig for awhile. We planned to go out to Greek night to get some Greek food. I saw Susan up there, and very little was said. Craig, Thom, Sho, Theo, and I went to Greek night. Then Thom, Sho, and I went to the Bryan Center. I found no mail for myself. Then we went to the Rat just to hang out. I saw Susan. She said that it was nice that I was out with so many people (which amounted to two people.) I told her that we were going to see “Dave,” and she said that would’ve been a good idea if she didn’t have to meet Cate somewhere. She seemed angry at me. I was confused. But I left to follow Thom and Sho.
Before the movie started, I decided to try to find Susan and ask her what was wrong. What had I done or said to upset her so much? She was no longer at the Rat. I ran to the bus stop and didn’t see her. I called her room from the Bryan Center, and she was on the phone long distance. She asked me if I was okay, and I just asked if she was mad at me, and she said no. I still felt like crap, but I went back to the movie, and I enjoyed “Dave” a lot the second time around. I think it’s a great movie.
Psi Epsilon was going to midnight bowling tonight, so Thom, Sho, and I went. And I had a very good time with the brothers. Hanging out with them was a lot of fun. A sophomore girl from UNC was there among the three girls that went, and I talked to her a lot…about Susan. But Renee was very nice, and I got her number so that I now have a friend at Chapel Hill. I didn’t get back to Trent until 3:30.
I had fun tonight, but I couldn’t get Susan off my mind. She was still up when I got back, and she said that she hadn’t written back yet, but that she would tomorrow. I told her I’d rather talk, but she said that she was going to sleep. I went back to my room, and then I changed my mind. I went back upstairs and told her that I did want her to write back. She did thank me for my nice letter, if that’s a positive sign.
I want so badly to salvage my friendship with Susan (obviously.) Anyway, I think I’ve typed enough for now.
I’ve got a ton of work to do tomorrow. I’d like to get to bed before 5AM…
6:30PM
I really should see CAPS, because I believe I must have some type of depression that can be clinically diagnosed. I mean, I’m constantly going through these mood swings. Last night’s misery ended, and I finished the night in a decent mood. Then I felt like shit waking up in the morning as usual. I pulled myself together for my simple day of taking my French exam, which didn’t require any of the studying I did last night, I don’t think. It was just hard. I came back to the dorm, made some programming phone calls, took a shower, watched DAYS with Natalie, and then left for West. I went to the Bryan Center to get my mail (none that was important) and to eat. I hoped against hope that I might see Susan. Standing in line at the Rat, I did Susan. And so I ate with her and this guy James who she was with. I would have been jealous of James if it weren’t for the fact that he’s black. Is that racist of me? I mean, I can’t see Susan falling for a black guy, so I don’t feel threatened. Had the guy been John, Craig (not Schwartz but this guy from Susan’s area who thinks he’s so cool), or any other white guy, I would be threatened. Anyway, I still feel like I had invaded Susan’s lunch, like she really wasn’t that pleasantly suprised to see me. I killed the rest of the afternoon working, and then I took my lonely trek back to Trent.
I had antipated earlier in the day that I’d probably lapse into depression when I got back here. Natalie had told me that she and Susan were probably going to get pizza tonight and go bowling. Natalie volunteered this information without any inquiring from me as to what her or Susan’s plans were. But it’s not like I was invited to participate in these plans, and I can only think that I would be invited if my presence was wanted. Of course, nobody is going to invite me to be part of their plans.
Just like home. Friday night. Lots of people that I’m friendly with, but no one who I can call without hesitation and ask what they’re doing tonight.
The problem with CAPS is that it’s not open when I get depressed, which is usually when I get back to Trent. I suppose I could have made time to go to CAPS today, but I just wasn’t upset during the day.
I don’t know what to do now…
Friday, October 1, 1993
11:50PM
Dear Susan,
Writing you this is my last resort now. I have no answer to the hell I’ve mired myself in yet again. As usual, I feel lousy giving you this, but this is the only action I could ultimately think of to take right now that would at all alleviate the unthinkable misery I feel right now.
I wanted to freeze sitting inside the window. I wanted to look down and see the jagged cement steps below. I wanted to imagine my head crashing into that ground. I saw images of myself falling through the air and smashing into the pavement. But I don’t really want to die, or else I’d have killed myself tonight or a long time ago. I just want to put myself out of my misery.
No point is not being completely honest with you. I don’t feel like I’m making you very comfortable with the half-truths I say now. Of course I’m always thinking about how I feel about you when I’m around you. And I’m thinking about that when I’m not. I’m always thinking about that. What is that? Love? How could it be? Do I know what love is? I don’t know. How can I know that there’s no one out there for me here at Duke? I don’t know. How can I feel the way I feel? I don’t know. Do you understand how I feel? Do you understand that I cannot imagine any guy doing for you what I’ve done and am willing to do? Do you understand that I cannot imagine anyone loving and respecting you as much as I do? Do you understand that I understand that my feelings are too extreme and that what I feel probably borders on or is worshipping you or obsessing about you? I understand that you will never feel about me the same way that I feel about you. I know that. In that letter you wrote me a few weeks ago, you said that you weren’t looking for a boyfriend, but you could always change your mind. Well, I know that you’re never going to change your mind because of me, because I’ve been so completely open and crazed and sick and depressed that you’d never want to go out with me. Another thing is that I can’t ever see “going out” (I never understood what that meant) with someone just for the sake of going out, meaning I wouldn’t want a girlfriend that I didn’t think I could be happy with for a long period of time. Therefore, I will never have a girlfriend because I’ll always care for her too deeply initially to simply befriend her without letting her know how screwed up I am.
You don’t owe me any reponse or anything else. To expect anything from you is completely unfair, yet I can’t say that I desire to stop talking to you. Yet, I’m sure you’ll have no idea what to say to me after reading this.
“This” is not just about you; it’s about everything- my whole life- and whenever I feel completely worthless, it’s because of everything, because I can relate everything that wrong to everything else that’s wrong. You don’t even know the half of my problems. You don’t want to know what my other problems are.
I feel like I’m a time-bomb that keeps resetting itself right before it goes off, because it really has no desire to hurt itself or especially anyone else. But I might go off one day. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
I know I take being nice to the extreme, but I have to, because that’s me. I can be crude and obnoxious at times in the right crowd. But then that means I’m in the wrong crowd.
I know I seem to be looking for someone to do everything with. Then that someone would be a slave to me and that’s not something I want. I need to constantly know that I matter and that I’m cared about. I rarely get that feeling, and I cannot generate that feeling from within myself.
CAPS. Sure, it makes sense that I go to them. But I’m never feeling miserable during their office hours. I honestly feel like I’ll be okay a lot of times. But then my mood will suddenly shift. I’ll be miserable. I’ll feel worthless. I’ll feel like I’m doing you harm by talking to you. I feel like no one cares. Then I come up with some idea of how I can put a genuine smile on your face, think of some way that I know I can make you happy. And so I think I get you something almost everyday. I know that giving you things won’t make me better friends with you or make you care about me any more. But I just feel good doing something special for you because I feel like I’m a disturbance when I just come by for apparently no reason. I feel that way, and I can’t help it. I know that I truly am not always welcome, but you’ll never tell me that. Sometime you probably don’t mind. But I can sense that you’re not always that happy to see me. Maybe you are thinking that I’m thinking about how I feel about you when I’m seeing you. And I now must admit that you’re right. How can I not? Dave, you’re in your friend Susan’s room right now. This isn’t a situation any different than being in Craig’s room or Todd’s room. No, that doesn’t work. I care about you so deeply, Susan, and that obviously can’t be transformed into “I care about you, who are my friend, Susan.” Yes, I consider you my friend, but I can’t change my feelings and just care about you as a friend. I think you can guess that I don’t go out of my way to buy every little thing that will make my friends happy. I do often do things for friends that most people wouldn’t do, my I do more for you, and that’s because you’re more than a friend to me, meaning I care about you more than just a friend. You understand this, I know, but what do you say to me now?
More honesty. Do you know what I want from someone more than anything in the world? I’m not looking for intimacy or even a kiss. I would really just like a long, complete hug with someone. There would not being anything uncomfortable about this embrace. It would signify a deep, mutual caring and understanding. It would not have to signify a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, but it would be more than just friends. Does this make any sense? Your other guy friends may casually give you a hug or touch you in some other way. I could never do that, because I’d always feel like I’d be making you uncomfortable because you’d be conscience of my feelings. My whole point is that I have this unrelenting belief that a simple embrace can make all of my pain disappear. But I understand that you cannot give such an embrace, because that would mean that you can deal with everything I’ve just said and everything that I feel, and I see no way how you can be comfortable with anything I’ve said.
It’s almost 12:30. I’ve killed some time. I’ve warmed up a little bit. I’ve calmed down a little. A little while ago, my feet were dangling outside the window. I don’t feel as lousy anymore, but that’s only because I released all of my worthless feelings onto you once again.
My meaningless apology comes now. I’m sorry. Really. With all of my heart, I’m sorry. Pointless, I know, to say all this.
I just thought of a whole new area to write about. I’ve got to tell you that I was being completely serious the other night when I told you that I had never seen someone so talented before. I meant up close, live, right in front of me. Maybe what I think about your talent is distorted because of how I feel for you, but I truly believe that your abilities are exceptionally special. I had never experienced anything so beautiful before than listening to you play the piano. I swear this, although I don’t know if this is a good or a bad thing for you to know.
More honesty. I feel tears in my eyes right now. They don’t come out for some reason, but they’re there. I’m so scared to lose you, but I know that I might. There’s only so much you can deal with as far as I’m concerned, and I understand this. Not telling you everything I’ve told you here would’ve only caused me to avoid you again and perhaps say something at some time that wouldn’t be good to hear. Of course, I might have to avoid you anyway. I’ll wish I know what you’re thinking, but I understand that you may not know what to say.
And I actually don’t think I have anything else to say now. I’m done. If you can respond in any way to me, please do it as soon as possible. If you can’t respond, I understand. My foremost concern right now is that I haven’t upset you too much. I suppose that for this to have been accomplished, you can’t care about me too much, which part of me wishes for, because I don’t necessarily think I’m worth caring about. Okay, I think I’ve gone on long enough. I’m sorry again.
With Love,
Dave
11:30AM
I couldn’t help sleeping until 10:15 this morning. I just felt so incredibly tired. I had to wake up early this morning. I am still the Trent 2 Programmer (I want to be), and I had to call up a lot of people to try and get some things programmed. I did do that, but no one was in their offices, and so I must wait for calls back.
Tomorrow, I have only one class, because UWC is only on Mondays and Wednesdays, my philosophy teacher canceled class, and I decided that I have no need to go to Friday Computer Science classes. But I have an exam in my French class, and I have to study a lot for that, although I’m not sure studying will make too much difference considering a lot of the test will be dictation and oral comprehension that I can’t study for. So that’s what I really must do today- study French. But I do have work from 2:00 to 5:00. I should go take a shower now.
7:10PM
I made some progress today with my programming stuff. I worked.
And that has been the productivity of my day. Ideally, I would now spend the rest of my night studying French, but I obviously never do what I should ideally do.
The weather this week has been absolutely beautiful. The oppressive heat finally gave way to autumn. The sky has been blue and the air cool and crisp. I thought to myself today that this weather is the most romantic weather there is, for the climate is just right so that the slight chill that a couple walking together might experience would be chased away by the warmth of their companionship.
What the hell am I talking about? I’m just damn lonely as usual. I feel so sad when I walk by the chapel and by the quad on West. I feel isolated from the world alone in my room here on Trent G. I’m always wandering around Trent 2, popping my head in everyone’s rooms. No one ever comes to visit me down here though. I finally have cable in the room. I’m watching “Sommersby.”
I ate dinner alone tonight (again.) I wish Susan was with me. I walked back from West alone (again.) I wish Susan was with me. I’m watching a movie alone right now (again.) I wish Susan was with me. Susan. Now how can I possibly be a good friend to her when I’m always wishing she’s around. I just want her company. I need her. Susan is so wonderful. But this is just all so impossible to make right. I can’t go through another all-out session of spilling my mind to Susan like I did on Saturday night.
8:15PM
Once again, I have the feeling of being surrounded by thick blocks of ice on all sides, pressing against the sides with no hope of escaping. I’ve entombed myself.
The end of “Sommersby” was so depressing- Richard Gere is hung right in front of Jodie Foster. I went upstairs and saw Susan. I expressed my disappointment over the movie’s ending. Big deal. I couldn’t really converse with Susan though. Exactly what she doesn’t want to happen was happening- I couldn’t just hang out in her room because I was thinking about my feelings for her. And so I left.
And I feel completely lost right now. Susan has to study tonight, and she’ll actually study, unlike me, who will probably remained mired in the sludge of emotions that I’m currently in. So I don’t want to bother her. I am thinking of writing a new letter, but all telling her what’s on my mind will do is make things between us worse. And as far as she’s concerned, things are probably fine.
9:20PM
Dear Susan,
The only way I can rationalize writing this note and giving it to you is that I think that a friend of someone would want to know if that someone was very upset and needed to talk to them. This friend might have very important studying to do, but will still take some time to help this someone.
But if you know me at all, you know that I do have a difficult time using this rationale. I could go on and on about how awful it feels to do what I’m doing, but that won’t mean very much, because the point I’m trying to make is that I need to talk to you.
I worry about destroying my friendship with you, but you’re the only friend I can talk to right now. Damn me, because I know as I’m saying this stuff that you’ll talk to me whether you want to or not.
I’m not even telling you what’s wrong in this note.
Wait- perhaps you’ll tell me that I didn’t have to write a note, that I could just call and say that I need to talk. And I’ll say, “Yeah, but I couldn’t do that…” Well, I will do that now…
And I did that, although I had her read that on the computer screen. I told Susan the best that I could how lonely I felt, etc. She understands everything I say, but that’s just not enough. She really thinks I should try to get to know the guys on my floor. I said that I would, but I really don’t want to. She said I should consider going to CAPS. I should, but I really don’t want to. I really wanted to say, “I just want to be with you all the time,” and she might know that, but I could not say that.
What now? I don’t know…
2:40AM
I couldn’t do any work until after 11:30. Then I finalyl started to study some French. Part of my studying was writing Susan two notes in French using the vocabulary I was studying. She thought they were very sweet. That was my nice deed for Susan for the day. I got some studying tonight, but probably not enough. I hung out on Trent 2 a lot as usual. I really should try to hang out on Trent G, too.
I should try to go to sleep soon. It’s October. One full month of college is behind me.
11:15PM
I never get any work done the night before a day on which I have no classes. I’d like to change that tonight, and so I won’t write much now, but I’ll write something.
Today was my five-class day. I didn’t have my homework done for French class. The news fax was nowhere to be found for my noon radio news broadcast, so I didn’t have a broadcast. (I’ve done the news twice so far; I am scheduled to do it Mondays and Wednesdays at noon.) I felt very tired and lonely when I got back to the dorm around 5:00. I ate dinner alone. I felt pretty low. I decided to go take a drive and get some shopping done. I bought a long phone cord so I could finally hook up my modem in here, and I got a cable for the TV since I ordered cable-TV for the room today. But I really was looking to get some sheet music for the song “When I Fall in Love” from “Sleepless in Seattle.” And I found it and gave it to Susan. Of course, she insisted on paying me back for it. I can’t explain what’s happened with Susan in the past week, but today I feel very distant from her, and I feel like I’ve done something wrong. But if I bring this up, then the fact that I’m thinking that I’ve done something wrong may upset her.
If I’m going to sit here and ramble on about things, I should do it in the form of culture journal entries for UWC. My teacher is collecting the journals on Monday. I should write about ten or so entries. Anything I write that might be of interest for this journal, I will certainly include it.
Tuesday, September 28, 1993
(UWC Culture Journal)
Tonight, I had one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. In addition to the night having a highly personal meaning, it had a lot of cultural significance as well. This evening, I drove my beloved Susan to the music building so that she could practice the piano. I had been lookng forward to the day that I might observe Susan playing the piano. I knew that she has been playing for eleven years and figured that she must be very talented. But I had no idea just how impressed I would be.
I planned to listen to Susan play a few pieces and then go outside and do some studying while she practiced the classical pieces that she must learn for her lessons. Susan was worried because she hadn’t played in awhile due to her mono. But she played brilliantly. She had books of popular songs that she could play with such incredible ease. I swore to her that she can make a living as a pianist, although she didn’t take me that seriously. Her renditions of songs that I love were better than the originals. My heart swelled and tore at the same time as I listened to her play Journey’s “Open Arms,” which is my #1 song on my Top 100. Susan needs only to glance at the music she’s playing. And she adds her own energetic and emotional style to it. She attempted to play “When I Fall in Love” from the movie “Sleepless in Seattle” completely from memory, never having attempted it before. And she did a beautiful job, although she was disappointed in herself.
Susan did something which truly pulled my heartstrings. I had composed a very elementary composition using my very elementary piano-playing knowledge. It is a pretty little piece, though. Susan listened to it, and she turned into a gorgeous, flowing, masterpiece, something worthy of a film score.
I was in such awe of her talents. I never felt as if I had witnessed so much talent in all of my life.
I wish so much that I could play the piano with one-tenth the ability of Susan. I listen to a lot of classical music now in my new room. I really want to be cultured in music. It’s so inspiring. Unfortunately, it’s causing me to be very disinterested in my school work. Perhaps I’ll have to take an intro-music course next semester.
I’ll save my more personal Susan comments for my personal journal…
2:25AM
Why do I have to still be awake so late every night? It’s starting to piss me off…
2:45AM
Life is going well, despite that I’m up at this late hour doing work and probably will be for awhile longer. I listened to Susan play the piano tonight, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever experienced. I tasted some of the rare sweet nectar that life produces tonight.
But I’ve got a lot of work to do, so I don’t know when I’ll have time to concentrate on writing something decent in here…
2:55AM
My screwed up life has me awake at this late hour once again, and I must say that this is my first real opportunity to write today. But I think that getting some sleep would be benefit me slightly more than attempting to recount recent events in my life.
I AM in a good, optimistic mood right now. I think it was worth writing now just to say that…
4:45PM
The past week has far too eventful to adequately summarize right now, which leaves the question of why am I bothering to write at all right now. I don’t know. Today is the one-month milestone of being here at Duke, and in a lot of ways, I’m at a new beginning right now. I think my problems can be basically singled out as my room situation, my job search, my classes, and Susan. And all of these problems are at some sort of crosswords right now.
I had a depressingly eventful night last night, and I slept for twelve hours, not waking up until 3:00 this afternoon. (I have been in my new room on Trent G since Thursday, by the way.) I needed that sleep. I need to get showered and dressed now so that I can go out to dinner in Chapel Hill with Thom and Craig at 6:00. I’m actually fasting for Yom Kippur. I haven’t eaten since 7PM last night and don’t anticipate eating until around 7PM tonight.
I’ve got a lot to write whenever I write again. I think that sometimes just writing anything motivates to write again sometime soon.
9:35AM
I’m just writing now because I think I am moving today, and I don’t know when the computer will be hooked up. It’s been a eventful week. I am moving. I got a job. I screwed things up with Susan. I’ll explain some other time…
5:30PM
I was woken up again last night. I can’t listen to music or watch TV now because Michael is asleep. I’m an idiot if I let him use this room to drink tonight. But it looks like there’s a good chance I can get out of here. Bob Busby, the housing guy, told my R.A. Gray that there are spots available. I made an appointment to see Busby tomorrow at noon. I also may offically get a job with him. So I spent an anxious day waiting to hear what my fate will be. I guess learning my fate will have to wait until tomorrow.
I talked to Susan briefly before. She said she stayed up until 2:30 listening to my tape, which she said was beautiful. Forgetting for a minute that I could be gone from Trent within a week, I don’t know where I am with Susan right now. That tape was the last material thing I can give her for now. She’s feeling better gradually. She’ll be leaving the dorm soon, and I have to wonder if I’ll be doing anything with her. She knows how much I care about her, but I know she’s not going to say anything to me about that. I know she doesn’t think I’m bothering her, but I’m afraid of doing or saying anything that might change that.
Meanwhile, my classes suck. I should try to get some work done tonight. And that’s about all I feel like writing for now…
11:00AM
I cracked on Friday night. Michael, etc. returned to the room around 3:30, and they woke me up. Then they left. Then they woke me up again. Then they came back, and I couldn’t hold in anger that had boiled over in my head. I got up, blasted the stereo, turned on the lights, and left. I slept on the floor of Scott and Dave’s room.
Michael woke up around 11:00AM yesterday morning as I was getting ready for Dad and Brenda to come. He asked me what the problem was, I said I just didn’t have time to get into it. Some other things were said as well. I talked to Gray again before I met Dad and Brenda.
I spent a nice afternoon with Dad and Brenda, walking around the campuses and going out for lunch. They left at 3:30, and after they left, I knew that the time had come for me to talk to Michael.
A brief summary of a conversation that lasted about fifteen minutes is that I said that I thought I should move out, and he said okay. I don’t feel like writing more about the conversation, except that there was considerably more to it.
Gray said he’d talk to Dean Busby in housing on Monday and see what my options are.
Of course, I still have to deal with this situation for at least a week, and perhaps for a lot longer. I had to deal with everyone coming in here at 5:00 and then at 5:30. I tried to just think that I had even stronger reason to leave.
I’m going to hate leaving Trent 2, but I’m going to have to.
I went out with Elise and saw “Groundhog Day” at the student center. I had a decent time, but I couldn’t help thinking of Susan. When Bill Murray said one of the sweetest lines I’ve ever heard to Andie MacDowell, I thought of Susan. I had called her earlier, but she was eating dinner. Later, I had a disinterested message from Susan on my machine. I doubt she misses me very much, but her absence is definitely making my heart even fonder of her.
7:50PM
Since I’m doing nothing else right now except waiting for my own copy of my Susan tape (Tape 38) to be completed, I might as well write a little in here (as opposed to writing one of the many, many journal entries I need to write eventually for UWC.)
I went to the library this afternoon for a few hours and really didn’t get very much work done. And I haven’t been doing much since returning.
A couple of hours ago, I called Susan’s, and her sister told me that she’s coming home TONIGHT! This was a great bit of news for me to hear. Her flight left at 6:30, so it should be in by now. So figure she’ll be back within the hour. I don’t think it’s necessary for me to be upset that she didn’t tell me that she was coming home, but I am just a little.
I finished Susan’s tape today, which I had thought I’d probably have to mail to her. And I just wrote her a note on the tape cover. It went a little deeper than maybe I should have let it go. I told her that I thought she was the sweetest, warmest, most understanding, most beautiful person I’ve ever known. And I think that’s really true. I also told her that I don’t expect her to return my feelings, that I just want her friendship.
Maybe I’ll get some work done tonight. I don’t know when, though…
1:05AM
It’s late, and there’s actually a chance that I could go to bed soon, so I’ll be brief, although I’ve got a hell of a lot on my mind.
I got my philosophy done for a change, opting to actually do what I had to do before going to see Susan. I left the tape in the room for her, so I figured I could go see her later.
It was so great to see her tonight when I finally went to do so. She was feeling okay. And she was just as beautiful and sweet as ever. She had to ask me if the tape was from me, since the note was inside, and I acknowledged that it was.
I spent the last couple of hours going back and forth between Susan and Felicia’s room, Jen and Stacy’s room, and my room. Michael had a couple of his friends over eating pizza and hanging out, so I obviously stayed away. As the night got later, I really just wanted to come back to go to sleep, but I couldn’t, because the last thing I want to do at this point is create bad blood by saying that I want to go to sleep, that I want my room back.
Jen and Stacy are turning out to be really good friends. It’s people like them that make me sad that I’ll probably be leaving Trent. I actually feel a lot more than sadness. I feel anger and resentment, because I don’t feel like I’m the one who should have to leave. But at the same time, I know that I’m the one who has to leave.
I couldn’t be that cheerful around Susan tonight for a couple of reasons. I wasn’t even upset that other guys were in there talking to her. I was upset thinking about how I’ll be leaving Trent and leaving her. And I was especially upset about what I had written to Susan. I was feeling my usual deep regret for saying some deep, emotional things.
I had said goodnight to Susan once, but I had to see her again to apologize. She was on the phone, and so I waited a few minutes, and then she was still on the phone, but she put her conversation on hold to talk to me briefly. I insisted that I had to apologize. I must have said I was sorry four or five times. She said that I had nothing to apologize for. I asked her if she had read my note, and she said that she had, and that it was such a sweet letter. And she said that was going to listen to my tape. This little conversation did make me feel a little better, but it made me feel even worse about the prospects of leaving.
So tomorrow I should learn what might will be. Although it does seem like every time I say something like that, the revelation of my fate is always delayed. But I should know something. I figure I’ll be upset either way. I’ll be upset if I learn I have to stay in this room. I’ll be upset if I learn that there’s a place I can go to- away from Trent.
And finally, I’ve got to deal with the painfully comforting fact that I am completely in love with Susan Rebecca Barnett…
3:00PM
I stayed with these two guys, Todd and Alan last night. I didn’t go to sleep until 2AM, but I didn’t mind staying with those guys. I had a rough night sleeping on their floor, but I almost didn’t mind. I was glad to be out of my room for a night. I heard Michael and his friends come back from partying before I went to sleep. They were completely drunk. But I didn’t even mention how they were in here drinking at 10:30 last night, completely occupying my bed. When they finally left, the room reaked of beer. I didn’t want to come back in here even when they were gone. I finally talked to Gray, my R.A., when he got back around 12:30. He understands my problem. He said he’d look into what my options are today.
But after being mildly inconvenienced by at least five things just in the ten minutes I’ve been back here this afternoon, I’m convinced that no dialogue is going to solve these problems. I must bend down so as not to knock the phone from Michael’s loft. The wire extends across the room. Since he got his ass drunk last night, he’s been sleeping, so I can’t put on the TV or stereo. There was a pizza carton on the chair of my desk. Okay- that’s only three things. Whatever. The point is that I can’t live here anymore.
Michael went somewhere a couple of minutes ago. I don’t know where, but I’m sure he’ll be back. I could talk to him sometime before tonight, I suppose, but I just don’t know what to say. I think I’ll just have to wait until I find out from Glen what my options are. Oh, one more gripe. I always find my fan turned towards the window when I come back. I don’t understand why. If Michael doesn’t want it on, why doesn’t he just shut it off? I come back to this room after being at classes all day, and I feel like I’m intruding upon his sleep. Of course, I feel like he’s intruding on my whenever I’m doing anything, and he comes back to the room. That’s just how I feel, and I can’t help it, even if it sounds selfish. It’s just that I can’t see me feeling this way if my roommate were someone else…
12:40AM
Kumar,
Fuck you if you think I’m in the mood to write poetic verse about my life. I don’t have only good things to report. The Susan situation is on the back burner while she is in New Jersey. I talked to her both Wed. and Thurs. nights, and she was glad I had called. She’s listening to my top 100! And right now, I’m making her a tape.
But the immediate problem is my roommate Michael. I’ve had enough. And it’s felt so good to tell whatever friends I’ve made how much I can’t stand Michael. I’m glad I told my R.A. about my problems with him too. I won’t go listing my problems with Michael now. I’m sick of talking about him, but he’s my big problem now. I want out of this room, but I don’t know if that will be possible.
When I got back to my room a little while ago, I hadn’t been in here since around 4:00. I only saw my roommate for about thirty minutes ago. I get disgusted just being around him. I went to a radio station thing tonight and read and edited some news for the news director. I should have my own little spot doing a news update once a week. Then I met a couple of girls from my dorm to see “The Crying Game” at the student center. It was free. And now I’m back. It was so nice to come back to the room and not find my stuff out of place for a change or have the room reak of alcohol. I just hope my roommate doesn’t come back for awhile so I can be at peace for a little while.
My dad is coming up tomorrow, and I’m looking forward to that. And that’s about it for now.
I’m glad things are going well with Shalini. Don’t be afraid to send
flowers or something else bold.
Susan has a poster of Life’s Little Instructions and I think it’s great.
We share so many of the same beliefs and insights.
I’m going to go work on my tape 38 for Susan. (It just so happens that it resembles tape 37 for Kirsten, but no one has to know that.)
Later, stud. Dave
[e-mail that I just sent to Kumar in response to what I received from him today.]
Anyway, that pretty much sums things up. One positive thing about me deciding that I can’t stand rooming with Michael has been that I no longer am getting down on myself for not fitting in, because Michael and his friends are group that I want nothing to do. I’ve got friends here. Of course, I’ll move away from them if I have to…
10:45AM
The past twelve hours have done nothing to reverse my growing antagonistic feelings towards Michael. I didn’t do any work last night. My kidney hurt, and I’ll I did was write a postcard to Merrie and watch TV. The phone rang at one point, and it was a pizza guy who said he had a pizza for this room. I couldn’t find Michael or any of his asshole friends around, so I just told the guy that. What was I supposed to do? The guy said to tell whoever had ordered the pizza to call the place. A few minutes later, these British girls from my floor, Cate and Jade, came by looking for Michael and his crew, and I explained the pizza situation. I just kept wondering why no one could tell me that they would be ordering pizza. I knew they’d be pissed at me for sending away their pizza, but was I supposed to pay for it for them or something? Michael or one of his friends called back and said, “You sent our pizza away?” and I really didn’t know what to say, nor did I really care to. “Just give me the number for the place.” But I think I gave the wrong number out. A few minutes later, I got another call asking for the number for Pizza Hut. And a little while later, I got a call from another pizza guy, and I just said okay to whatever he said. I don’t know if the guys got that pizza. My point is that the pizza wasn’t mine, and so I don’t know why I had to deal with it. Why give out the number for Michael’s room if he wasn’t going to be there?
Anyway, when Michael came back to the room around 12:30, I jumped into bed, hoping he’d be quiet if he thought I was trying to sleep, which I did want to do very shortly. But he and his friends talked and talked and talked, and they were so fucking loud, and they pissed me off so much. I wanted to get up and throw Michael against a wall or something and make him shut up or get out. But I just kept pretending to be asleep.
Same shit this morning. Michael has an 8AM class. He got up, and he proceeded to talk to people in this room as loud as he was talking last night. I couldn’t fall back asleep for the hour or so he was here. I suppose I fell asleep after he left, but had I not been woken up, I might have woken up for a good a lot earlier, and my day would be off to a much more productive start.
Anyway, he’s back now, so I’ve got to stop writing.
Well, now that he’s back, he’s trying to sleep in his loft, so I can write some more. Of course, I’m sure this typing must be annoying the hell out of him, but it’s nothing compared to the noise I’ve got to listen to when I want to sleep.
It’s 11:15, and I’ve got so much stuff to do today on my “day off.” First and foremost, I’ve got to look for a job. But I also have to get an allergy shot, go to two meeting, and get some work done. And I need to go to East and get my DukeCard, and I would like to stop by CAPS one of these days.
7:00PM
Well, I’ll get my writing for the night done now because I don’t know when Michael will return.
I had a meeting with Martina Hernandez today on West. She’s in charge of all dorm programming, so I had to meet with her since I missed Tuesday’s meeting. She was very nice, and I mentioned two unrelated problems to her. First, I asked her if she knew of any job openings. She said she didn’t, but that she’d keep my name in mind if she heard of any. And since she works with Student Development, which is in charge of housing, I brought up my problem with Michael. She told me that I should talk to him, and that I should talk to my R.A. Gray if I can’t talk directly to Michael. It was good to get my problems with Michael off my chest.
When I got back to the dorm, Michael was here. He told me that a girl from his school is visiting and will be spending the night here tonight. Great. He was trying to be considering by telling me that he knew I might want to go to sleep early and that I could try to find someplace else to stay, or that he might try to find someplace else, but the fact is that he was telling me this the day of this girl’s visit, and there’s not really much I can do. Michael said he’ll be out with this girl until late, but they’ll be here talking all night, and I doubt I’ll be able to sleep. Still, I wasn’t that upset with Michael until he started listening to some rap music. Then my feelings of animosity simmered again.
I got a phone call this afternoon from Martina, and she told me that Bob Busby had an opening for a work-study position. He happens to be the head of student housing. I could go right over for an interview, so I did. He’s a nice enough guy. I certainly wouldn’t mind working for him. He said he wants to interview others, but I really hope I get this job. Anyway, I brought up my roommate problem, since he’s in charge of all that stuff, and he said that I should try to work things out with my roommate because it will be tough if I want to move out. I know that.
Anyway, I’ve got plenty of work to do for tomorrow. I suppose I should really get started on it.
12:15AM
I REACHED MY BREAKING POINT AS FAR AS MICHAEL IS CONCERNED. I’VE HAD ENOUGH. I WANT OUT.
10:10PM
It’s been a very eventful day, so I’ll just try to summarize. My alarm didn’t wake me up at 6:30 like it was supposed to. I woke up at 7:50, and my UWC class on East starts at 8:00. I didn’t take a shower. I got to class at 8:30. My teacher was pretty cool about though. Philosophy class sucked as always. BORING is the best way to describe that class. I bought some vending machine stuff with my DukeCard after philosophy. I was surprised to get my fist French quiz back with a grade of 94. I was more surprised to find my DukeCard gone when I went to pay for my lunch. I had left it in the vending machine. I called to suspend it. I didn’t find it when I went back to look. I had computer science, and then I had a lab back on West. So I was at classes until around 4:00. I got a temporary DukeCard and learned that about $7 worth of vending machine stuff was charged to my card, but I’ll be credited that money. When I got back to the dorm, I got a message that my card had turned up. I’ll get it tomorrow.
When I got back, I was hot and sweaty, and I want to write about my roommate, but I hear him outside…
Well, apparently the noises outside this door have been from Michael’s friends, undoubtedly heartbroken that he’s not around. So let me write about Michael.
Coming back here this afternoon to find Michael and his friends jamming with their guitars made me realize that I simply don’t like my roommate situation. I don’t dislike Michael, but being roommates with him just isn’t working. I left the room and told a couple of girls about this problem. Michael and I have NOTHING in common. I can’t stand listening to him playing his guitar. I have nothing in common with any of his friends who come in here. When I occasionally walk in when Michael’s having a serious discussion with someone about girls, I don’t understand or don’t agree with anything he’s saying. This room is just too small for the two of us. I don’t think either of us like having the other in the room.
All summer, I kept worrying that Michael was too cool for me. It turns out we’re not compatible, but I don’t think Michael is cool. He thinks he’s cool. That’s pretty evident when he talks about looking for cool people for his band, and how the people at an ultimate frisbee meeting were dorks. When his friends aren’t around, he always seems pissed off. The only girls he ever talks to here are the ones he parties with. He doesn’t go to all of the girls’ rooms just to talk. I don’t know if he things he’s too great to talk to some of them or what. So basically the point is that me and Michael just don’t work as roommates.
Solution? Well, I’m sure that we could somehow split up now, but that would be such a pain. I can deal with our current arrangement, I think, for the semester. Maybe things will change over the next three months, but I doubt it. So I’m thinking that perhaps it will be best to look for different roommates for the second semester.
Anyway, I’ve had a fairly interesting night. At 6:00, those who signed up had dinner with Dean Wilson, this really interesting history teacher. The dinner counted as one of my programs as house programmer. Dean Wilson gave me a lot to think about, although shots of motivation never last very long for me. At 8:00, I went to the Cable 13 station for a news meeting. I explained that I had absolutely no TV experience, and I still might be able to be a reporter for this news magazine. The idea of me being kind of a North Campus correspondent was kicked around, and that would be really cool.
I’ve had an empty dorm since I got back, and that’s fine with me. Oh- mail today. Two big surprises. First, I got a postcard from Marnie Warner from Wisconsin. She didn’t say anything in response to what I wrote a month ago, but the fact that she wrote at all was very nice. Second, I got a letter from Jackie from NYU. She wrote a nice, unemotional note, too. So now I have two more addresses to write to.
I talked to Dad tonight. He and Brenda plan to get here between 11:30 and 12:00 on Saturday.
Around 9:30, I called Susan. It was so nice talking to her. We just said every standard thing about how our days had gone that we could possibly say, and that was it. But it was nice. She thanked me for calling. She felt okay when I talked to her. I miss her.
10:30 now. I may not do any work tonight. I think I may just write out some postcards and check my e-mail to see if Kumar wrote back to what I wrote him this morning.
10:10AM
I just spent about an hour this morning trying to somehow get an e-mail message I sent to Kumar into a text file that I could put in here, and I finally did it. It will include a pretty good description of what happened Sunday:
I just reread most of your note. Okay, so maybe your weekend WAS just as bad as mine. but maybe not.
Just like at home, I had so much work to catch up on this weekend, and so I really didn’t plan to do much else besides work. I think I spoke to you Saturday morning, so you know that I went out Friday night and really didn’t do anything.
I was basically in my dorm all of Saturday. I did drive this guy to Chapel Hill (UNC) so he could see his girlfriend. It only takes 15 minutes to get to UNC. But that’s it. I had so much work to do, and I wound up doing none. I’d visit Susan, leave, think, and really not do anything. I did make up a poster for this dinner with a dean that we’re having in our dorm Wednesday night. I had to do that, because I’m House Programmer. That’s an office on the House Council. It’s actually an important job, because I must organize 9 dorm programs for the
year.
Anyway, my decent into deep depression happened when I was in Susan’s room around 11:30 and this girl Natalie was there too. I was already feeling like maybe I was spending too much time in Susan’s room, and I didn’t know if she wanted me there. (Assumptions, no confidence, etc.- you know.) And then Natalie said something to Susan about this guy that had been following Natalie around trying to always hang out with her, and that this was annoying her. I couldn’t help but feel like I was doing that same thing, and I left.
And then I wandered the halls all night trying to figure out my thoughts and feelings. I watched as people came back drunk from the parties between 1 and 2AM. It was pathetic. Peoplw thought I was drunk because I was so depressed. Around 3:30, I asked Natalie if I was seeing Susan too much. She said no, and that her comments were directed towards me. But for some reason, that really didn’t make me feel much better. I couldn’t go back to my room, because my roommate had
suddenly populated my room with a dozen drunk people whom I wanted nothing to do with. (Shit, I’m telling this whole story. I wish I could somehow put this in my journal. Maybe I can later. Anyway.) So I eventually wrote Susan a letter at 5AM and then went to sleep.
I almost felt okay yesterday, but then I spent the afternoon not being able to do my work. I needed to know what Susan thought of my letter (I wrote about not being sure if she wanted me around so much, etc.) Somehow, I just got into a very deep general depression, just totally hating myself for being just like I was in high school. I had a dream on a couch in the commons that I was floating around, and then falling from a cliff, and it was just eerie. For the first time since 8th grade, I REALLY felt like dying. Serious shit, I know. I was juggling around my kidney codeine pills, contemplating. (this letter is fucking long.) Finally, I decided the only person that might be able to bring me up from my
descent would be Susan. And I talked to her, and she helped, and she cared, and she somehow caused my bungee cord to stop just before I crashed into the rocks. (New analogy for my life- bungee jumping.)
Anyway, Susan might be leaving today since her mono isn’t making life that easier for her. I was sad last night that she might be leaving, but I finally got SOME work done. (Basically just the paper that I HAD to do.) I wrote Susan another letter and put it under her door this morning. (My fifth letter, I think. She doesn’t mind. She thanks me for them.) I called her before French class, and she said she didn’t know yet if she’d be going home, since she didn’t feel so bad this morning. I’ll call a little later and find out for sure. I wrote the letter assuming I wouldn’t see her for a week. Now I just have to wait.
I think I may go to CAPS soon. CAPS is Counseling and Psychological Services. Sounds serious, but it’s worth a shot so that I don’t repeat the last four years of high school.
Anyway, I’ve got to go meet Wendy from my writing class for lunch. She’s got a boyfriend, so I have no hopes of being anything more than friends with her.
Nice chatting with you. Hope you’re doing better now that the weekend is over.
And it just took me about a half hour to actually get that e-mail note on here. What a way to spend a morning.
Anyway, Susan did not go home yesterday, which made me very happy. She was very happy to get my note. I wound up spending a lot of time with her yesterday. I went out on an adventurous journey around Durham because Susan asked me to do her grocery shopping. She felt bad about asking, but I’d do anything for her, and I think she knows that. Besides groceries, I really wanted to get a pink rose to replace that original one I had gotten that was dying. I had to go to four supermarkets to get one. She really appreciated it.
I really have no time to write now. I didn’t get much work done last night, so I’ve got a lot to do today. No classes on Tuesdays, of course, but I HAVE TO FIND A JOB.
Anything else important that I’ve forgotten to mention will have to wait until later. I am glad I was able to get this stuff done, though.
8:25PM
I figure that I should write now if I’m going to write anything tonight, because I’m alone, and I have yet to begin my studies for the night.
I had no luck looking for a job today. I’m not enthused by the remaining library jobs, and I just didn’t try that hard today. I basically stopped being concerned about my job search around 1:00, when I called Susan’s room from the Bryan Center and her roommate Felicia told me that Susan was sleeping, and that Susan would be going home today, leaving at 5:45. This made me very sad, because I had thought that Susan would be staying after having me get groceries last night and seeming to feel better, too.
My emotions brought me to the University Store, where I couldn’t resist buying Susan an adorable Duke stuffed dog. I also got her a personalized get-well card. When I got back to the door, Susan was sleeping, but I eventually went into see her. She was feeling very bad. I could see that going home was what she needed. But I cheered her up a lot with what I gave her, and that made me feel very good. I stayed with her for awhile this afternoon. There was no place that I’d rather be than by Susan’s side.
So I never really looked into any more jobs today (only a little bit), although I did reschedule that radio thing. I’ve had a lot of work to do, but Susan was the main thing on my mind, especially since she’d be leaving at 5:45.
Around 4:45, Susan came to me and asked me what I was doing between 5:45 and 7:10. “Driving you to the airport,” I said, correctly assuming that she needed a ride. Her previous ride fell through. I missed an important meeting for all house programmers, but I didn’t care. I had wished that I was the one who would drive Susan to the airport, and now I was that one.
So I had a nice ride with Susan to the airport. She held her new stuffed animal in her arms. I walked with her to the gate and saw her off. I got a goodbye hug from her.
Finally, I’ve had the chance to really be there for someone. I never had that chance with Kirsten or anyone else. I was there for Susan for whatever she needed. She appreciated me being there, and I felt so good knowing that I was making her feel better. We are just friends, I know. I certainly can’t help wanting to be more, but I am so glad that Susan is in my life. I know one very important thing, and that’s that I’ve never felt so compatible with a girl I’ve liked as I do with Susan.
I’ll miss Susan a lot, but I’m glad she’s gone. First, I do realize that she’ll be more comfortable and get well faster at home. She’ll only be gone until Sunday, by the way. Also, I won’t be able to kill hours sitting in her room or pacing the halls contemplating going to see her. Maybe I can even get some work done.
I just hope that I didn’t get mono from her. Dealing with my kidneys hurting and naturally be tired all the time is enough to deal with.
1:30AM
I’m still awake. Just got off the phone with Larry after being on the phone with him for over an hour. Looks like I will visit him during fall break. Looks like I will go to Dana’s wedding, which I got an invitation to today. (Dana is Larry’s sister.) The wedding’s on Halloween. I had hoped to be invited along with a guest, but I wasn’t, and I guess I can’t ask if I can bring a guest. Whatever.
Got a little work done tonight, but not enough. I’m still awake, so maybe I’ll do some more.
Tomorrow, I’ve got a very long day, so I don’t know if I’ll have a chance to write.
I miss Susan a lot. I swear that I think I may have really found “the one,” and that’s scary…
Toastie ‘97
