Toastie ‘97

2:35PM

My current nightmare has less than 48 hours remaining in it. I’ll be off to Atlanta soon enough. I’ve got a lot to explain in here, and I’ll try to do that now. I just read over my entries of the past few days to figure out what I have to write about now.

I guess I should explain Sunday night. Susan obviously had had no desire to speak to me after Friday night. I was miserable, depressed, lonely, and, I suppose, bordering on suicidal. Thus, the suicide sonnet. I planned to give that to Susan and then venture out into the cold, windy night. I had no car, because I had learned that Thom wouldn’t be coming back from Appalachian State until the morning. I had no idea where I would go.

Well, just as I was about to leave, the phone rang. It was Renee was Chapel Hill. I asked her if she had a car, and she did, and she offered to come get me, and she did. Right before I left my room, Natalie came to my room wanting to know if she could borrow my car on Monday to drive her friend to the airport. I said that would be fine, assuming Thom brought my key back. Meanwhile, I had Natalie’s birthday card in my hand, ready to give it to Susan, since my “death” would mean I wouldn’t be around on Tuesday.

When I went to Susan’s room, I couldn’t say anything. I was silent for a minute before I laid my two documents (sonnet and card) on her desk and said she could read “it” later. I then whispered that I was sorry, and I left her room, and then Trent. Renee picked me up across campus, which was a 15-minute walk.

4:00PM

I actually just woke up from an hour nap, and now I really do feel like crap. I’m not even sure I have the time to finish my story, but maybe my lack of time will cause me to summarize briefly.

I drove with Renee back to Chapel Hill. We talked in a library for awhile. She made me feel very calm. But I was wondering what was happening back at Trent, where Susan must have read that I wanted to kill myself. How would she react? Would she tell anyone? I was relaxed with Renee, but how could I handle going back to Trent? At one point, I thought I should call Susan to tell her I was okay, but no one answered.

I came back to Trent around 1AM, and I found no messages for me. No one was looking for me. No one cared. Had Susan got my note? Or did she simply not care? Or did she simply decide she had had enough?

Well, I wouldn’t find how the answer to these questions on Sunday night. Anyway, I hadn’t gotten enough work done Sunday night, and I was so exhausted, and so I just slept through my classes Monday morning. I had already missed French and computer science on Friday. I was very lucky to find a radio-sub just a half-hour before I was supposed to have gone on at noon.

I did go into work. I did make an appointment to see my academic dean, Dean Kain, for the next morning. No Susan. No sign of Susan. No indication that she even got my sonnet. Until…

…well, around 1:00 in the afternoon, Natalie came for my car keys, but I suddenly realized that Thom had never returned them. I didn’t know what to say. Natalie wasn’t mad at me though, although I was sorry. The odd thing I realized was that Natalie didn’t say anything about having gotten a birthday card from me. Did that mean Susan hadn’t looked at my sonnet? And later on, I learned that Thom had come back, but I hadn’t seen it way in the back of the parking lot. Thom told me that Natalie got the key from him when they saw each other on East. He had seen Susan, too, and he said nothing seemed wrong.

I met Thom at the Trent Cafe for dinner. He told me of his successful visit with his girlfriend, and I recounted my miserable weekend. Craig Schewartz joined the table at one point, I tried to ignore him. I’ve been fed up dealing with him. Later, Thom’s roommate Pat joined, too, continuing to taunt me as usual about not living on Trent 2 but always being there. After awhile, I was done, and I went to leave. As thought I had carefully inspected the room to make sure Susan was not around. I approached a booth and suddenly saw Natalie, and before I knew it, I was right behind Susan. My heart ached like it never ached before. Natalie thanked me for letting her borrow the card, and for the birthday card. Susan had definitely read the sonnet. But I barely looked at her, and I went on my way. Susan obviously had no interest in speaking with me.

Seeing Susan made withdrawal very difficult. I forget right now what I did Monday night, but I had to get up early Tuesday morning for my appointment with Dean Kain. He was somewhat helpful in that I made him aware of all my problems, and he seemed to understand. But there was obviously nothing he could do, like say, “Don’t worry about anything. Don’t go to your classes. Take three weeks off.” After this appointment, I saw the doctor at student health, and he totally pissed me off by constantly reminding me that I simply had a back problem. I didn’t wish to argue with him, just kept nodding to every piece of bullshit advice he had. “Don’t neglect your classes…You must learn to live with this…Accept that there is no cure.” Thanks, Doc. After this, I went to work.

Later on, I tried to get some work done. I thought I had a mountain of work to do until phone conversations with my French and UWC teachers made that load much less. But then there were those things that happened last night.

Seeing Susan completely destroyed my peace that I had last night. Later on, I woke up Kirsten at 2AM, and I cried to her on the phone. And then I finally got pissed at Jackson and Daniel for talking and talking and talking when I needed to go to sleep. They didn’t seem to thrilled by my attack on them.

This morning, I just felt like shit when I woke up. No classes again. I couldn’t find a radio replacement, so I went to East and did it. But I had to go to my computer science mid-term anyway, which I didn’t study for, and it was simple. I skipped my lab session and came back here.

And now I must worry about programming and other stuff, which I might write about later…

2:50AM

Why am I always awake at this time? Because my roommates are. I’ve come to the regrettable conclusion tonight that there irreconcilable differences with Jackson and Daniel, and they are going to make the rest of my year hell unless I get out of here, just as I got out of Trent 259. There is no way that things will work out with them. As I told someone before, in order for things to work out, I’d have to make them change themselves drastically. Basically, they’d have to go to sleep three hours earlier, or else they’d have to shut the hell up if they if they were going to stay up. With Michael, I’d get sleep, but I’d be woken up at 3AM every morning. Now, I can’t get to sleep until 3AM. Jackson and Daniel are sleeping late, so they don’t give a shit when they wake up. I’d like to get up early, which will kind of be hard considering I’ll then be getting about four hours of sleep maximum. The doctor, all-wise that he is, at least knows that I need sleep, as does Lois Conrad from CAPS and any other intelligent person. Maybe I’m not tired all the time because of my kidneys. Maybe getting four hours of sleep a night simply is not healthy for anybody.

I don’t even know if it’s possible to change rooms again. I’d hate to have to. I could have had a single all to myself on West, but I couldn’t leave Trent. God, do I regret that choice. My roommates think that I just took the week off. I don’t know if it would do any good to tell them that I have a chronic condition that requires peace and rest. Of course, I should have chosen a single if I really wanted to be heaaaalthier. (By the way, I’m typing in a code font again, so I am probably making lots of mistakes that I will not fix lateer. Anyway, I can find out for sure tomorrow at work if and what spaces are avaailable. I know there’s a space in Trednmt 259 which I’d never want again. I wonder what I will think if that single on West is still available. I don’t recall processing any papers regarding that room. Being alone there would be different than being alone here. Here, there’s lots of people around, and I”m incredibly lonely. COuld I be lonelier if I were literally alone? I need to talk to Bob tomorrow at work.