Toastie ‘97

7:10PM

The one gleaming positive right now is that I’ll be out of here in about 17 hours.

Jackson and Daniel were still awake at 4AM. They were in bed, but still talking up a storm. I couldn’t take it any longer. I took my blanket and a pillow and went into the dark, quiet commons room. I fell asleep soon enough. And I didn’t wake up until 10:00. I was supposed to be at work at 10:00. It’s a good thing I had my room key, because they had locked the door, probably because they were pissed when my alarm woke them up this morning. Bill at work understood my situation. When I finally got in around 11:15, I talked with him for about a half hour concerning my current roommate problems. He said I must talk to them and to my R.A., Rich. I know I should. I didn’t mention to him that I was thinking of moving to West. Later on, I looked up the room list on the computer and saw that there still is a single available in Lancaster in the new dorms on West. I worked until 1:00.

Meanwhile, back at 3:30AM when I was waiting for my roommates to go to sleep, I wrote Susan a letter by hand (so it won’t appear in here.) It was basically a letter saying that I recognized that our friendship was over, that she didn’t want anything to do with me, that nothing I said or felt mattered, and that she obviously hadn’t really given a damn about me, or else she could not have completely ignored me when I needed her the most. I planned to Blue Devel Xpress the letter rather than use the usual under-the-door route.

Anyway, I was at the post-office to look at my mail around 1:00, and I saw Mark Danko there. And I saw Mark Danko get mail out of a box. And I saw my letter to Susan in his hands (in the envelope.) I panicked as I thought he might open the envelope. I told him that the note was from me, and I hoped he’d give it to Susan unopened without telling her he knew it was from me. I guess it was just a coincidence, but it didn’t exactly make my day. Anyway, I ate lunch, and then I went back to work from 2-3.

I had an appointment with Lois Conrad at CAPS at 3:00. Today’s session was pretty productive. It took me almost the whole session, but I explained why the past week had been positively miserable. It was a good session for me, because Lois really got a handle on the extreme level of pain I’ve felt lately. She felt for me; she cared. The next step is to go get a clinical evaluation next week to see what medications I might be able to take to control my moods. I’m all for it. I’ll try anything.

After my appoitment, I took a walk over to the new dorms. I found Lancaster, and I must say that it’s a nice dorm. Freshmen on West account for only 8% of freshmen overall, but that’s good in a way, because you probably get to know everyone who lives around you. I met some guys who’d be living near me. There are only about twenty guys and twenty girls in the dorm. I didn’t see my potential room, but I saw a single, and it’s very small. But I don’t need a lot of room. The important thing to consider is that it would be my room only. So many problems I’ve dealt with since being here would be eliminated. I’d have some huge new ones, but… Well, before I can make a final decision, I’ve got to talk to Jackson, Daniel, and my R.A.

If Susan came to talk to me, that might influence me to stay here, but I doubt that will happen at this point. She truly has abandoned me. Todd from upstairs told me that Susan has had a lot of stress about her classes over the past few days. That pisses me off, because I wish I could have helped her, but apparently I wasn’t much good when I was talking to her. If Susan really does not come to talk to me tonight, and I now highly doubt (although I wish) that she will, then I believe it will truly be the end. I’ve still got that slight glimmer of hope, but that will disappear when I fall asleep tonight, and I have not heard from her.

Now. Well, I’m supposed to get my UWC paper which was due on Wednesday in tomorrow. But I’ve got a lot of things to do tonight. I have to talk to Mom, Dad, Rebecca, Drew (the guy who’s coming with us; he knows Rebecca; I couldn’t say no), Larry, Renee, and maybe some other people. And I definitely want to pack.

2:30AM

I certainly didn’t mean to be up this late. And since I am, and it’s because of my own activities and will, tonight is a bad time to bring up my problems about getting sleep. I had very distressing talks with both Mom and Dad tonight about my problems. Susan called me around 8:30 and said we needed to talk. I paced around until around 12:00 before she called back. And then we talked for a long time. It was a long, painful talk that had really few encouraging moments. BUT we’re talking, and she does care, and that helps.

I feel a great sense of relief now as I plan to head off to Atlanta tomorrow…

3:30AM

I cannot believe how impossible of a situation I am in. I typed very little before, and I typed on a dim screen so that Jackson could go to sleep. And then what do Jackson and Daniel do? They talk and they talk for an hour. There was no way I could fall asleep. I waited for a break in their conversation to tell them that I needed sleep and would have to move out if I wasn’t going to get any. There was no break in their conversation.

About ten minutes ago, a guy came in the room and encouraged Jackson and Daniel to take a walk outside. And they both said that they were wide awake, so why not? I had to stop them before they went out, and I said, “I need to let you know something since I won’t talk to you tomorrow. I think I’m going to move to a single on West because I need some sleep.” The only response I got was, “Ya know, Jackson, we do sleep a lot less than most people.” And then they left. Did they hear me? There is no way they can suddenly go to sleep hours earlier and not keep me awake. I must take that single now.

I’m trying to be calm, but I’m really not. Earlier today when I figured things were finished with Susan and Trent held nothing but pain for me, I strongly considered moving to Lancaster. But I talked to Susan tonight, and I know I’ll keep talking to her. And Daniel and Jackson are still nice guys. But Lois Conrad told me that I will continue to be depressed if I do not get sleep. And I will not get any sleep here. I must find time to talk to Bob Busby (my boss) tomorrow morning and get him to approve a room change. I will have to move to West after fall break. And I think I’ll be okay. I’m not that scared. I’ll survive.

And I’m wide awake now. And I have to drive for over six hours tomorrow. I’ll be okay. God, help me…