Toastie ‘97

1:10PM

I woke up late once again today, and I suppose I needed to after remaining awake until almost 5:30 in the morning. I stayed doing basically very little. I watched my laundry. I listened to music. I pondered where Susan had been all night and wondered if she was alright. And I wrote another sonnet. So while I’m on the subject, I’ll put all three of my sonnets in here now:

Sonnet #1:
Fainthearted Tears

Oh, how my love, thought of you pierce my heart,
Smother my spirit, and subdue my soul.
For we shall remain forever apart;
Wounded am I, for my heart is not whole.
My tears will not flow; parched is my sorrow,
Remaining inside, with all of my fears.
My eyes have been dry since some time ago;
For my heart receives fainthearted tears.
I take one gaze into your goddess eyes
And shudder as my heart begins to quake;
Then it shatters, my frightened soul soon dies,
The chance to spill my feelings I forsake.
I love you so dearly, but this I know;
You shall reject me; through that I can’t go.

Sonnet #2
Appreciation of a Friend

Entombed in darkness, without any hope,
How can I possibly salvage my soul?
Adrift in solitude, how can I cope?
How can I make my much-battered heart whole?
Such questions plague me, until you arrive;
My heart skips a beat, a goes into shock.
All of a sudden, my spirit’s alive,
No longer imprisoned by key and lock.
Inspired by the warmth and strength of your smile,
I rise from my crypt and see the day’s light.
Of my feelings, there is no denial,
Although I realize that they are not right.
That I don’t love you, I cannot pretend,
But I promise I’ll always be your friend.

Sonnet #3:
A Friend’s Guilt

Your friendship I need, and yet I need more,
Yet more I know that you do not desire.
I have known no one as special before
As you, who under my heart lights a fire.
Too much I care, I must live with this curse;
Attempting to quell the flames of my heart
Would make it burn and ache even worse,
As it would if with you I tried to part.
I try hard to think, but tears cloud my mind,
I feel so much guilt for giving you pain,
Pain you accept, because you are so kind,
But I fear that I wlll drive you insane.
Sweet friend, I am trying so much to be
A better friend, please be patient with me.

I’ve got a lot of work that I need to do today. I suppose I should try to get started soon…

1:45PM

I just talked to Larry, who’s at home, as are apparently “everyone” else. I told him how I found a girl to come down to Atlanta with me, and so I’ll be staying over until Tuesday just so Rebecca can stay, too.
I need to do work. I wish I had heard from Susan. But perhaps I won’t. There’s nothing more I can do right now.

10:00PM

Sonnet #4:
Final Rhyme

I slump to the earth, I breathe my last breath,
Deciding I should abandon all hope.
I do not know what could postpone my death
For in this life, I can simply not cope.
I weep as I think of those who have tried
To help me pull through, their efforts in vain,
But I alone will cause my suicide;
I alone have been the source of my pain.
I have failed you and deserve not your tears.
Do no mourn for one who has marred your life;
To forget my soul will improve your years,
Let you be happy, and cause you no strife.
Thank you, and I’m sorry, for the last time,
For this couplet shall be my final rhyme.

From this point on, I do not want to think, for that will only make me want to do things like say goodbyes and write more notes and…
I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t care, and I doubt very much I’ll be dead in the near future, but one can always hope…

1:50AM

I’m back by popular demand. I don’t know what’s going on with me right now. My night took a sudden turn tonight, although not necessarily one for the better. I’ll possibly explain tomorrow, since my typing is keeping my roommates up. I will say that I believe there’s a stronger chance than ever that things are really finished with Susan.