Toastie ‘97

12:20PM

I’ve made a mess of another day. I woke up at 10:07, seven minutes after I should have been at work. I called Margie, and she seemed to think I was sick and told me everything was okay, and I could stay home and rest. Okay. Lost three hours of pay. I went back to sleep, too, rather than doing anything productive. But I needed sleep. I’m always so tired. But I don’t want to get into writing about my medical condition right now. I don’t want to write about anything.

I have to get dressed, because I have a 2:00 appointment with CAPS, for better or for worse…

1:20AM

More ups and down today, and I suppose that’s one reason I had to go to CAPS today, so I can stop going through a hundred ups and downs every day.

CAPS went pretty well. I spoke to a Mrs. Conrad, who did my “intake” session, meaning we talked for an hour about whatever came up, but it was basically a generally discussion about my life. But because there’s so much I have to say, I had to schedule another intake session, which unfortunately cannot be until a week from Thursday. So it felt good to talk to someone, for I took the first of what may be many steps, but I’m discouraged that the second stop is so far away, and that I apparently will have to start over again with whomever I wind up with, although I understand that the point of the intake sessions is for the person I talk to to figure out whom I’m best suited to talk with in order to have me get the most help.

My ups and downs for today basically have to do with Susan. After I got back to the dorm around 5:00, I saw Susan, and she was interested in knowing how my session went, and I told her. But after a couple of minutes of conversation1, she told me that she was going to do some roaming of the halls. I could come, or I could stay in her room; she didn’t mind. But I just didn’t feel comfortable doing either. And so I roamed, too, but separately, and it didn’t feel so great passing Susan without a “see you later” or “bye.”

My roaming led me to Thom’s room, where I learned of a Psi-U (Epsilon) dinner at 6:00. Thom wouldn’t be going, but Theo would. So I went with Theo and with Sho to Psi-U on West, and then we went out to this pizza-restaurant. And I had a good time, learning more of the brothers’ names and feeling more comfortable hanging out with them. I suppose that any sense of belonging with any group is attractive to me, and so I’m starting to really want to be a part of Psi-U, despite the fact that I know it will be very expensive, and I can’t afford it. I’ve just got Jackson’s Greek Life booklet, and it says that the annual fee for Psi-U is $415, and the pledge dues are $150. Can I justify spending $565 joining a frat? I suppose I can, especially if I consider that’s the amount I spent on my prom, which lasted about one weekend. Anyway…

Anyway, back to Susan. So I returned from my dinner, and I roamed Trent 2, passing Susan’s room. Well, actually, I went inside. James, the black guy whom Susan was with at the Rat, was there. Susan talked to me for a couple of minutes, and then she kicked us both out so she could do some work. I wasn’t really hurt. I understood that it wasn’t personal. But I was just upset with myself for being upset that I hadn’t really gotten to spend any time with Susan today.

I was in Natalie’s room a couple of minutes later, and as I left, Susan actually grabbed me and brought me back to her room. She had told me before that James got on her nerves, and that had been the case before. So she really did want me to stay. We talked for a couple of munites, and then she played some classical music for me that she said was her favorite. She tried to explain to me the “variations on a theme” in the work, and I tried, with minimal success to understand what she was talking about. But it was so nice just being with her while she experienced something she liked. It was quality time, and it made my day.

I spent the night rereading my philosophy assignment that I didn’t understand. (I suppose I haven’t written about yesterday; oh, well.) I went upstairs around midnight, but a guy was talking to Susan in her room when I passed by. She didn’t see me. I think they were just studying, so it didn’t bother me that much, but it still bothered me a little, because I can’t really talk to her with other people around. Later on, Susan was gone from her room. Again, my sad feeling of missing Susan resurfaced, just because she wasn’t there when I wished that she was. I wrote a good night note on her board. Last night, I wrote the simple message, “Susan is a nice person.” Today, I mentioned the message to her, and she seemed not to know who wrote it. I want it to stay that way. I almost feel good doing something anonymously for a change.

So I’m a little down where Susan’s concerned, but only because I didn’t see her throughout the final few hours of tonight. But I guess I’m pretty much okay.

Right now, it’s 1:55, and I’d like to go to sleep. I don’t know if anyone’s watching what I’m typing, but it’s kind of late, and I’d like to get to bed, okay? Anyone watching me. I want to go to sleep. Sorry. Good night. Can you politely leave? Guess not. Oh, well…