Toastie ‘971:00PM
I just reread last night’s letter to Susan, and it certainly was one awful letter.
I just woke up, in fact, about a half hour ago. I must have slept for over ten hours. I just went to sleep with all of my clothes on, contacts in, etc. I put the letter under Susan’s door before she got home last night, and I felt a little better after calling up Stacy and talking to her on the phone, and then I went to sleep.
I had an interim period last night when things were okay, and that’s when I went out to dinner with Thom, Craig, and Theo. We went out to a Mexico restaurant, and then we went to this ice cream and chocolate place. I saw all these truffles, and all I could think about was how much Susan likes chocolate. And so I had to get two of each kind of truffle, and then they brought them back to Susan, not as a gift, but to share with her. Well, we ate some truffles in Natalie’s room, and so other people had some truffles, too. Susan only had a few, and then she just left Natalie’s room, and that was it.
I soon realized that Susan really didn’t need those truffles, and I had just done yet another nice thing that wasn’t necessary. Craig, who never drinks, was going to drink in Kevin’s room. I went down there, but everything they were drinking was gone. I wanted to go out to parties and get hammered. I couldn’t find anyone who was leaving. Craig later went to the commons room, where he talked to Susan. I couldn’t be in there. I was quickly becoming very miserable. And soon enough, I was in the staircase right by an open window. And the rest in well-documented in my letter.
I’ve got work to do today. I’m supposed to go to town with this guy Craig to look at TVs for Trent 2. This guy Craig I mention is the guy who hangs out with Susan, the guy I think is a real asshole. But I’m not going to call him or anything. I don’t think we have to go to check out TVs we’re not going to buy today. I’ve got an ad with TVs. I know how TVs work. I don’t think two trips are necessary. I don’t know if Craig or anyone else agrees with me, though.
Anyway, no notes or calls from Susan since my letter. I don’t expect any. Hard to believe, but tonight will mark one week since I had a long, emotional conversation with Susan in the Trent 2 Commons. This came after I had put my sonnet on her board, written her a note telling her I’d leave her alone, and then written her another telling her I needed to talk to her. Well, this time, I told her that I had no desire to stop talking to her, so if she has anything she can say to me, she can say it. But I know she may have nothing to say. Anyway…
4:25AM
Dear Susan,
I can’t express to you how badly I feel right now. The worst thing I feel I can ever do is to make someone else feel the same hurt and sadness that I do, and that’s what I’ve done. One huge reason why crashing into concrete might not seem so bad is that I don’t ever want to create problems for someone like I’ve created for you.
I really feel like I’ve worded something to you wrong, because I’ve somehow given you an impression that is not true. I have been trying very hard to explain to you that I expect nothing from you. I know you don’t hold the key to fixing my life. I know it is not fair to expect anything from you. I don’t. Please believe me when I say this. I’ve obviously made you think that I think I’ll die without you. I suppose the half of me that’s wanted to drive you away from me has been doing a good job, and I guess it’s convinced you that I am obsessed. You said that I’m scaring you. I can understand why I’m scaring you, but to think that this is what I’m doing is the worst feeling in the world,
This past week, I still felt like I was intruding in your life. When I went to the Bryan Center yesterday, I actually thought to myself that it would be nice if I saw you there, because I might be inspired to a better, more positive mood. But I figured there wasn’t much chance I’d see you. But I did. But I suddenly thought that I was probably the last person you wanted to run into.
I’m not blaming you for anything. I feel like such dirt for not feeling better despite all your efforts to help me. What can I do or say to you to make everything okay? Nothing, right? I am not trying to change you or your feelings. You have not failed me. I have obviously failed you and failed myself.
I just thought again about the fact that I’m scaring you. See, I’ve thought that I’ve been scaring you long before you thought I was, and that’s contributed a lot to my erratic behavior. I’ll avoid you because I’m afraid I’ll scare you if you see me too much. I’ll abruptly get depressed after seeing you because I’m afraid my presence is scaring you.
Have I said anything that changes anything? Have I just given you any reason to believe that you can handle being friends with me? I don’t know. I actually don’t think that I’m an impossible situation to deal with. I’m not asking of you what you seem to think I’m asking of you. I might have said in my last letter that I need someone to always be there, etc. Well, that’s an ideal need, one that I know is impossible to fulfill. I know this, and even if there was such a person out there, I don’t expect it to be you. I just need your friendship. I need you to trust me that I’m not really insane. I need you to make an exception to a rule for me. Maybe most friends have some understanding as to when someone’s hanging around too much, asking too much, etc. You know I’m always assuming that I’m doing those things, so I need your help to tell me when I am doing those things. You told me that you can’t keep accepting my gifts. I am glad you told me this, because I understand this and respect this. If you had plans, and I asked if I could come, you could just tell me that you’d rather I not come. Maybe you can’t do this. Maybe I am asking something of you now that you can’t do. I don’t know.
…4:20PM. I just got a surprise phne call from Heather from Kentucky. She NEVER calls me. It’s no shock to her what’s going on with me right now. I’m probably miserable 90% of the time I talk to her. But that percentage is about accurate all the time.
Anyway, where was I? Nowhere, I think. Was I getting anywhere? Okay, I just had a productive thought. Would it be possible to make some kind of agreement that we can come talk to each other whenever there’s something bothering us that won’tgo away? I mean, would it be better if I just told you things when they were first on my mind? And at the same time, if I’m doing anything that upsets you or makes you uncomfortable, can you tell me right away? Does this sound reasonable? Or does it sound completely stupid that friends have to make these kinds of agreements to begin with?
I’ve said enough for now. I hope you know that everything I’m saying is as honest as I can possibly make it. I’m trying so hard to make my friendship with you work without making you miserable. I’m not succeeding, and it’s tearing me apart. So here’s my latest attempt. Did it accomplish anything? Write back soon or call me or come talk to me. By the way, I hope you’re feeling okay. Love, Dave
It’s been a very long day since I last wrote, so I’ll try to summarize as briefly as possible. I did all of my French homework this afternoon, and I received a reply letter from Susan in the midst of doing that. And I wrote her back, the text of that letter being above. I think the contents of that letter can give some idea of what she said.
I showered, went up to Trent 2, and hung out with Thom and Craig for awhile. We planned to go out to Greek night to get some Greek food. I saw Susan up there, and very little was said. Craig, Thom, Sho, Theo, and I went to Greek night. Then Thom, Sho, and I went to the Bryan Center. I found no mail for myself. Then we went to the Rat just to hang out. I saw Susan. She said that it was nice that I was out with so many people (which amounted to two people.) I told her that we were going to see “Dave,” and she said that would’ve been a good idea if she didn’t have to meet Cate somewhere. She seemed angry at me. I was confused. But I left to follow Thom and Sho.
Before the movie started, I decided to try to find Susan and ask her what was wrong. What had I done or said to upset her so much? She was no longer at the Rat. I ran to the bus stop and didn’t see her. I called her room from the Bryan Center, and she was on the phone long distance. She asked me if I was okay, and I just asked if she was mad at me, and she said no. I still felt like crap, but I went back to the movie, and I enjoyed “Dave” a lot the second time around. I think it’s a great movie.
Psi Epsilon was going to midnight bowling tonight, so Thom, Sho, and I went. And I had a very good time with the brothers. Hanging out with them was a lot of fun. A sophomore girl from UNC was there among the three girls that went, and I talked to her a lot…about Susan. But Renee was very nice, and I got her number so that I now have a friend at Chapel Hill. I didn’t get back to Trent until 3:30.
I had fun tonight, but I couldn’t get Susan off my mind. She was still up when I got back, and she said that she hadn’t written back yet, but that she would tomorrow. I told her I’d rather talk, but she said that she was going to sleep. I went back to my room, and then I changed my mind. I went back upstairs and told her that I did want her to write back. She did thank me for my nice letter, if that’s a positive sign.
I want so badly to salvage my friendship with Susan (obviously.) Anyway, I think I’ve typed enough for now.
I’ve got a ton of work to do tomorrow. I’d like to get to bed before 5AM…
1 response so far ↓
1 Toastie // Oct 4, 2007 at 21:51
Milestones:
- First mention of Psi Upsilon (which I referred to as “Psi Epsilon”); no use of using a pseudonym for the fraternity
- First mention of a friend I still have 14 years later (for whom using a pseudonym seems silly, since anyone who knows me clearly knows of whom I write). I’m glad to not yet be in the territory where I’m writing any deep thoughts about anyone I still know 14 years later. That’s going to be a little awkward. But it shouldn’t be too awkward; after all, the thoughts are from 14 years ago.
You must log in to post a comment.