Toastie ‘9711:30AM
I couldn’t help sleeping until 10:15 this morning. I just felt so incredibly tired. I had to wake up early this morning. I am still the Trent 2 Programmer (I want to be), and I had to call up a lot of people to try and get some things programmed. I did do that, but no one was in their offices, and so I must wait for calls back.
Tomorrow, I have only one class, because UWC is only on Mondays and Wednesdays, my philosophy teacher canceled class, and I decided that I have no need to go to Friday Computer Science classes. But I have an exam in my French class, and I have to study a lot for that, although I’m not sure studying will make too much difference considering a lot of the test will be dictation and oral comprehension that I can’t study for. So that’s what I really must do today- study French. But I do have work from 2:00 to 5:00. I should go take a shower now.
7:10PM
I made some progress today with my programming stuff. I worked.
And that has been the productivity of my day. Ideally, I would now spend the rest of my night studying French, but I obviously never do what I should ideally do.
The weather this week has been absolutely beautiful. The oppressive heat finally gave way to autumn. The sky has been blue and the air cool and crisp. I thought to myself today that this weather is the most romantic weather there is, for the climate is just right so that the slight chill that a couple walking together might experience would be chased away by the warmth of their companionship.
What the hell am I talking about? I’m just damn lonely as usual. I feel so sad when I walk by the chapel and by the quad on West. I feel isolated from the world alone in my room here on Trent G. I’m always wandering around Trent 2, popping my head in everyone’s rooms. No one ever comes to visit me down here though. I finally have cable in the room. I’m watching “Sommersby.”
I ate dinner alone tonight (again.) I wish Susan was with me. I walked back from West alone (again.) I wish Susan was with me. I’m watching a movie alone right now (again.) I wish Susan was with me. Susan. Now how can I possibly be a good friend to her when I’m always wishing she’s around. I just want her company. I need her. Susan is so wonderful. But this is just all so impossible to make right. I can’t go through another all-out session of spilling my mind to Susan like I did on Saturday night.
8:15PM
Once again, I have the feeling of being surrounded by thick blocks of ice on all sides, pressing against the sides with no hope of escaping. I’ve entombed myself.
The end of “Sommersby” was so depressing- Richard Gere is hung right in front of Jodie Foster. I went upstairs and saw Susan. I expressed my disappointment over the movie’s ending. Big deal. I couldn’t really converse with Susan though. Exactly what she doesn’t want to happen was happening- I couldn’t just hang out in her room because I was thinking about my feelings for her. And so I left.
And I feel completely lost right now. Susan has to study tonight, and she’ll actually study, unlike me, who will probably remained mired in the sludge of emotions that I’m currently in. So I don’t want to bother her. I am thinking of writing a new letter, but all telling her what’s on my mind will do is make things between us worse. And as far as she’s concerned, things are probably fine.
9:20PM
Dear Susan,
The only way I can rationalize writing this note and giving it to you is that I think that a friend of someone would want to know if that someone was very upset and needed to talk to them. This friend might have very important studying to do, but will still take some time to help this someone.
But if you know me at all, you know that I do have a difficult time using this rationale. I could go on and on about how awful it feels to do what I’m doing, but that won’t mean very much, because the point I’m trying to make is that I need to talk to you.
I worry about destroying my friendship with you, but you’re the only friend I can talk to right now. Damn me, because I know as I’m saying this stuff that you’ll talk to me whether you want to or not.
I’m not even telling you what’s wrong in this note.
Wait- perhaps you’ll tell me that I didn’t have to write a note, that I could just call and say that I need to talk. And I’ll say, “Yeah, but I couldn’t do that…” Well, I will do that now…
And I did that, although I had her read that on the computer screen. I told Susan the best that I could how lonely I felt, etc. She understands everything I say, but that’s just not enough. She really thinks I should try to get to know the guys on my floor. I said that I would, but I really don’t want to. She said I should consider going to CAPS. I should, but I really don’t want to. I really wanted to say, “I just want to be with you all the time,” and she might know that, but I could not say that.
What now? I don’t know…
2:40AM
I couldn’t do any work until after 11:30. Then I finalyl started to study some French. Part of my studying was writing Susan two notes in French using the vocabulary I was studying. She thought they were very sweet. That was my nice deed for Susan for the day. I got some studying tonight, but probably not enough. I hung out on Trent 2 a lot as usual. I really should try to hang out on Trent G, too.
I should try to go to sleep soon. It’s October. One full month of college is behind me.
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