Toastie ‘97

11:00AM

I cracked on Friday night. Michael, etc. returned to the room around 3:30, and they woke me up. Then they left. Then they woke me up again. Then they came back, and I couldn’t hold in anger that had boiled over in my head. I got up, blasted the stereo, turned on the lights, and left. I slept on the floor of Scott and Dave’s room.

Michael woke up around 11:00AM yesterday morning as I was getting ready for Dad and Brenda to come. He asked me what the problem was, I said I just didn’t have time to get into it. Some other things were said as well. I talked to Gray again before I met Dad and Brenda.

I spent a nice afternoon with Dad and Brenda, walking around the campuses and going out for lunch. They left at 3:30, and after they left, I knew that the time had come for me to talk to Michael.

A brief summary of a conversation that lasted about fifteen minutes is that I said that I thought I should move out, and he said okay. I don’t feel like writing more about the conversation, except that there was considerably more to it.

Gray said he’d talk to Dean Busby in housing on Monday and see what my options are.

Of course, I still have to deal with this situation for at least a week, and perhaps for a lot longer. I had to deal with everyone coming in here at 5:00 and then at 5:30. I tried to just think that I had even stronger reason to leave.

I’m going to hate leaving Trent 2, but I’m going to have to.

I went out with Elise and saw “Groundhog Day” at the student center. I had a decent time, but I couldn’t help thinking of Susan. When Bill Murray said one of the sweetest lines I’ve ever heard to Andie MacDowell, I thought of Susan. I had called her earlier, but she was eating dinner. Later, I had a disinterested message from Susan on my machine. I doubt she misses me very much, but her absence is definitely making my heart even fonder of her.

7:50PM

Since I’m doing nothing else right now except waiting for my own copy of my Susan tape (Tape 38) to be completed, I might as well write a little in here (as opposed to writing one of the many, many journal entries I need to write eventually for UWC.)

I went to the library this afternoon for a few hours and really didn’t get very much work done. And I haven’t been doing much since returning.

A couple of hours ago, I called Susan’s, and her sister told me that she’s coming home TONIGHT! This was a great bit of news for me to hear. Her flight left at 6:30, so it should be in by now. So figure she’ll be back within the hour. I don’t think it’s necessary for me to be upset that she didn’t tell me that she was coming home, but I am just a little.

I finished Susan’s tape today, which I had thought I’d probably have to mail to her. And I just wrote her a note on the tape cover. It went a little deeper than maybe I should have let it go. I told her that I thought she was the sweetest, warmest, most understanding, most beautiful person I’ve ever known. And I think that’s really true. I also told her that I don’t expect her to return my feelings, that I just want her friendship.

Maybe I’ll get some work done tonight. I don’t know when, though…

1:05AM

It’s late, and there’s actually a chance that I could go to bed soon, so I’ll be brief, although I’ve got a hell of a lot on my mind.

I got my philosophy done for a change, opting to actually do what I had to do before going to see Susan. I left the tape in the room for her, so I figured I could go see her later.

It was so great to see her tonight when I finally went to do so. She was feeling okay. And she was just as beautiful and sweet as ever. She had to ask me if the tape was from me, since the note was inside, and I acknowledged that it was.

I spent the last couple of hours going back and forth between Susan and Felicia’s room, Jen and Stacy’s room, and my room. Michael had a couple of his friends over eating pizza and hanging out, so I obviously stayed away. As the night got later, I really just wanted to come back to go to sleep, but I couldn’t, because the last thing I want to do at this point is create bad blood by saying that I want to go to sleep, that I want my room back.

Jen and Stacy are turning out to be really good friends. It’s people like them that make me sad that I’ll probably be leaving Trent. I actually feel a lot more than sadness. I feel anger and resentment, because I don’t feel like I’m the one who should have to leave. But at the same time, I know that I’m the one who has to leave.

I couldn’t be that cheerful around Susan tonight for a couple of reasons. I wasn’t even upset that other guys were in there talking to her. I was upset thinking about how I’ll be leaving Trent and leaving her. And I was especially upset about what I had written to Susan. I was feeling my usual deep regret for saying some deep, emotional things.

I had said goodnight to Susan once, but I had to see her again to apologize. She was on the phone, and so I waited a few minutes, and then she was still on the phone, but she put her conversation on hold to talk to me briefly. I insisted that I had to apologize. I must have said I was sorry four or five times. She said that I had nothing to apologize for. I asked her if she had read my note, and she said that she had, and that it was such a sweet letter. And she said that was going to listen to my tape. This little conversation did make me feel a little better, but it made me feel even worse about the prospects of leaving.

So tomorrow I should learn what might will be. Although it does seem like every time I say something like that, the revelation of my fate is always delayed. But I should know something. I figure I’ll be upset either way. I’ll be upset if I learn I have to stay in this room. I’ll be upset if I learn that there’s a place I can go to- away from Trent.

And finally, I’ve got to deal with the painfully comforting fact that I am completely in love with Susan Rebecca Barnett…