Toastie ‘9710:10AM
I just spent about an hour this morning trying to somehow get an e-mail message I sent to Kumar into a text file that I could put in here, and I finally did it. It will include a pretty good description of what happened Sunday:
I just reread most of your note. Okay, so maybe your weekend WAS just as bad as mine. but maybe not.
Just like at home, I had so much work to catch up on this weekend, and so I really didn’t plan to do much else besides work. I think I spoke to you Saturday morning, so you know that I went out Friday night and really didn’t do anything.
I was basically in my dorm all of Saturday. I did drive this guy to Chapel Hill (UNC) so he could see his girlfriend. It only takes 15 minutes to get to UNC. But that’s it. I had so much work to do, and I wound up doing none. I’d visit Susan, leave, think, and really not do anything. I did make up a poster for this dinner with a dean that we’re having in our dorm Wednesday night. I had to do that, because I’m House Programmer. That’s an office on the House Council. It’s actually an important job, because I must organize 9 dorm programs for the
year.
Anyway, my decent into deep depression happened when I was in Susan’s room around 11:30 and this girl Natalie was there too. I was already feeling like maybe I was spending too much time in Susan’s room, and I didn’t know if she wanted me there. (Assumptions, no confidence, etc.- you know.) And then Natalie said something to Susan about this guy that had been following Natalie around trying to always hang out with her, and that this was annoying her. I couldn’t help but feel like I was doing that same thing, and I left.
And then I wandered the halls all night trying to figure out my thoughts and feelings. I watched as people came back drunk from the parties between 1 and 2AM. It was pathetic. Peoplw thought I was drunk because I was so depressed. Around 3:30, I asked Natalie if I was seeing Susan too much. She said no, and that her comments were directed towards me. But for some reason, that really didn’t make me feel much better. I couldn’t go back to my room, because my roommate had
suddenly populated my room with a dozen drunk people whom I wanted nothing to do with. (Shit, I’m telling this whole story. I wish I could somehow put this in my journal. Maybe I can later. Anyway.) So I eventually wrote Susan a letter at 5AM and then went to sleep.
I almost felt okay yesterday, but then I spent the afternoon not being able to do my work. I needed to know what Susan thought of my letter (I wrote about not being sure if she wanted me around so much, etc.) Somehow, I just got into a very deep general depression, just totally hating myself for being just like I was in high school. I had a dream on a couch in the commons that I was floating around, and then falling from a cliff, and it was just eerie. For the first time since 8th grade, I REALLY felt like dying. Serious shit, I know. I was juggling around my kidney codeine pills, contemplating. (this letter is fucking long.) Finally, I decided the only person that might be able to bring me up from my
descent would be Susan. And I talked to her, and she helped, and she cared, and she somehow caused my bungee cord to stop just before I crashed into the rocks. (New analogy for my life- bungee jumping.)
Anyway, Susan might be leaving today since her mono isn’t making life that easier for her. I was sad last night that she might be leaving, but I finally got SOME work done. (Basically just the paper that I HAD to do.) I wrote Susan another letter and put it under her door this morning. (My fifth letter, I think. She doesn’t mind. She thanks me for them.) I called her before French class, and she said she didn’t know yet if she’d be going home, since she didn’t feel so bad this morning. I’ll call a little later and find out for sure. I wrote the letter assuming I wouldn’t see her for a week. Now I just have to wait.
I think I may go to CAPS soon. CAPS is Counseling and Psychological Services. Sounds serious, but it’s worth a shot so that I don’t repeat the last four years of high school.
Anyway, I’ve got to go meet Wendy from my writing class for lunch. She’s got a boyfriend, so I have no hopes of being anything more than friends with her.
Nice chatting with you. Hope you’re doing better now that the weekend is over.
And it just took me about a half hour to actually get that e-mail note on here. What a way to spend a morning.
Anyway, Susan did not go home yesterday, which made me very happy. She was very happy to get my note. I wound up spending a lot of time with her yesterday. I went out on an adventurous journey around Durham because Susan asked me to do her grocery shopping. She felt bad about asking, but I’d do anything for her, and I think she knows that. Besides groceries, I really wanted to get a pink rose to replace that original one I had gotten that was dying. I had to go to four supermarkets to get one. She really appreciated it.
I really have no time to write now. I didn’t get much work done last night, so I’ve got a lot to do today. No classes on Tuesdays, of course, but I HAVE TO FIND A JOB.
Anything else important that I’ve forgotten to mention will have to wait until later. I am glad I was able to get this stuff done, though.
8:25PM
I figure that I should write now if I’m going to write anything tonight, because I’m alone, and I have yet to begin my studies for the night.
I had no luck looking for a job today. I’m not enthused by the remaining library jobs, and I just didn’t try that hard today. I basically stopped being concerned about my job search around 1:00, when I called Susan’s room from the Bryan Center and her roommate Felicia told me that Susan was sleeping, and that Susan would be going home today, leaving at 5:45. This made me very sad, because I had thought that Susan would be staying after having me get groceries last night and seeming to feel better, too.
My emotions brought me to the University Store, where I couldn’t resist buying Susan an adorable Duke stuffed dog. I also got her a personalized get-well card. When I got back to the door, Susan was sleeping, but I eventually went into see her. She was feeling very bad. I could see that going home was what she needed. But I cheered her up a lot with what I gave her, and that made me feel very good. I stayed with her for awhile this afternoon. There was no place that I’d rather be than by Susan’s side.
So I never really looked into any more jobs today (only a little bit), although I did reschedule that radio thing. I’ve had a lot of work to do, but Susan was the main thing on my mind, especially since she’d be leaving at 5:45.
Around 4:45, Susan came to me and asked me what I was doing between 5:45 and 7:10. “Driving you to the airport,” I said, correctly assuming that she needed a ride. Her previous ride fell through. I missed an important meeting for all house programmers, but I didn’t care. I had wished that I was the one who would drive Susan to the airport, and now I was that one.
So I had a nice ride with Susan to the airport. She held her new stuffed animal in her arms. I walked with her to the gate and saw her off. I got a goodbye hug from her.
Finally, I’ve had the chance to really be there for someone. I never had that chance with Kirsten or anyone else. I was there for Susan for whatever she needed. She appreciated me being there, and I felt so good knowing that I was making her feel better. We are just friends, I know. I certainly can’t help wanting to be more, but I am so glad that Susan is in my life. I know one very important thing, and that’s that I’ve never felt so compatible with a girl I’ve liked as I do with Susan.
I’ll miss Susan a lot, but I’m glad she’s gone. First, I do realize that she’ll be more comfortable and get well faster at home. She’ll only be gone until Sunday, by the way. Also, I won’t be able to kill hours sitting in her room or pacing the halls contemplating going to see her. Maybe I can even get some work done.
I just hope that I didn’t get mono from her. Dealing with my kidneys hurting and naturally be tired all the time is enough to deal with.
1:30AM
I’m still awake. Just got off the phone with Larry after being on the phone with him for over an hour. Looks like I will visit him during fall break. Looks like I will go to Dana’s wedding, which I got an invitation to today. (Dana is Larry’s sister.) The wedding’s on Halloween. I had hoped to be invited along with a guest, but I wasn’t, and I guess I can’t ask if I can bring a guest. Whatever.
Got a little work done tonight, but not enough. I’m still awake, so maybe I’ll do some more.
Tomorrow, I’ve got a very long day, so I don’t know if I’ll have a chance to write.
I miss Susan a lot. I swear that I think I may have really found “the one,” and that’s scary…
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