Toastie ‘97

12:10PM

The current gap in this journal wasn’t really done consciously. I actually didn’t realize how much I had been neglecting this. Must I recount the events of Wednesday and Thursday? There’s just too much to do, to much going on to spend lots of time writing in here.

Susan has been a big part of the last couple of days. I spent a couple of hours with her in the infirmary on Thursday, giving her a rose in a vase. She had to stay there Thursday night, and she found out yesterday that she has mono. I feel very badly for her. She’s was back in her dorm room yesterday, and I talked to her some more. No one answered the phone in her room when I tried calling this morning.

There’s so much I could write about Susan and my feelings for her, but I’d just go on forever if I tried to write about everything. The more I see her and talk to her, the more I care about her, and that’s just going to keep happening. I had a period of a couple of days following her letter during which I felt good about things with her. But last night, I started realizing that I care about her too much, and that I honestly don’t know how well I can accept just being friends with her. I want to be able to accept things how they are now, because things are good, but I simply can’t help being jealous of every guy she talks to and wanting to spend all of my time with her. I can’t help it, and it scares me, because I have a chance for such a good friend with Susan.

I wound up going out last night and not drinking, except for a beer I had in someone’s room here before going out, because I am just so unsure of myself when it comes to how I feel about drinking. I talked to Susan about this. She does not drink. That’s something I really respect.

One more thing about Susan is that I’m pretty sure she’d love all of my tapes. She likes the stuff I mentioned that I listen to. I like just about everything in her CD collection. She appreciates my music, my gifts, my company, and my feelings. She’s not difficult to talk to.

But I’ve got a lot of work to do this weekend. Last night, I could have gotten so much done. Michael’s girlfriend Hannah came down to surprise him, and Michael was out all night and hasn’t returned. But I was just too tired. I’ve been up for awhile today, but I spent about an hour-and-a-half on the phone with Kumar Dutt. I’ve got e-mail now, so I can write him and hopefully Laine soon, so that phone calls aren’t that necessary.

I’ve got to get dressed eventually. I’ve got a lot of work to do, but I told this guy Thom that I’d drive him to Chapel Hill sometime between 3:00 and 3:30, so I’ll do that.

12:05AM

I’ve gotten basically no work done at all today. I drove to and from Chapel Hill. I talked to Kirsten on the phone. I visited Susan a couple of times. I had some pizza for dinner. I did make up a poster for this dinner with a dean that Trent 2 is having. As house programmer, making the sign was my job. I’ve done laundry.

I’ve watched just about every go out tonight. I knew I had work to do, and I just didn’t want to go out. I don’t care about going out. I don’t mind being here. I wanted to do some work on the computer, but I found Michael and several others drinking in here. I didn’t need to be a part of that shit, so I went to Susan’s, where I tried to do some reading but really couldn’t.

For the most part, Susan has seemed very appreciative of my visits. I gave her my Top 100 III to listen to today. I was just in her room watching TV for awhile. But now I really feel like shit. I’ve been doubting all day whether Susan really is glad that I keep visiting her. I wonder if I’m bothering her, if I’m in her room too much. This girl Natalie was in the room tonight, and Natalie is very blunt about her opinions. I had already been thinking of heading back to my room (which I knew was finally empty), and then I heard Natalie start to tell Susan how she’s tired of this guy Kevin who keeps latching on to her and her group when they go out. She was saying things that I think could be directly applied to me, and how I keep coming to see Susan. It was very difficult leaving as Natalie started this discussion, because I thought it would have to be obvious that I was leaving because of the things Natalie was saying. Maybe it wasn’t. I don’t know, but I said good night to Susan, and I feel so bad right now.

I feel so bad that I’m apparently taking advantage of Susan’s sickness. If she were feeling better and going out, I doubt I’d be seeing so much of her. I don’t know what to do. I miss her so much already, and I’ve only been out of her room for twenty minutes.

4:40AM

I don’t want to keep my roommate up, so I’ll just say that I had a very depressing night tonight and leave at that until tomorrow, if I have any time to write…