Toastie ‘97

10:45AM

Given what happened this morning, I’ll have to explain what happened yesterday in the Susan story.

First of all, classes were decent. Left a note on Rachel’s door that I never got a reply to. Ran into Elise at the East Food Court. She seemed uncomfortable to see me. I sat down next to her, and she nervously left a minute later after finishing her food. I returned to Trent and made some calls about jobs, but most offices were closed for Labor Day. So I went to West to buy the remainder of my books and some other junk. I got back to Trent around 4:45.

I wanted to do a lot of work. I don’t know what happened. Gradually, I became more and more entrenched in my feelings for Susan. I felt like I was reaching a dead end. I handwrote the letter I had typed, making a couple of minor revisions. The familiar pattern of a lot of people finding out that I like Susan happened. I needed to talk to some people, and too many people wound up finding out or figuring it out. I wound up wandering around Trent 2 a lot last night contemplating what to do. Some guys strongly warned me against giving Susan the letter, saying I should try to talk to her, saying that a girl doesn’t want a guy who has no confidence in himself. Everyone’s advice was pretty valid, but nothing changed the fact that there was nothing I could say to Susan.

Meanwhile, I think Susan was talking to John a lot, and I could sense that she likes him a lot. This really made me feel like I was at a dead end. But still, I heeded my dormmates’ advice and refrained from giving Susan the letter. Some guys really thought the letter was kind of nice, which was good to hear. At one point after midnight, I was in the room of these two girls, Kate and Merrie, listening to my depressing Air Supply songs, trying to somehow calm myself down. While I lay on the floor in a state of despondence, I saw Susan walk by and smile at me. It broke my heart (again.) After the Air Supply was done, I looked down the hall and saw Susan sitting outside John’s room. My heart broke again, and this time it had had enough. I’d look like a complete fool to give her the letter with John right there. Susan’s roommate Felicia was in their room. So I kindly asked Felicia to give Susan the note, and I left.

I giant weight was lifted from me. I felt relieved. I was still pained, but knowing that Susan would soon know my feelings was a relief. Ironically, as I went back to my room, I passed by Susan at John’s room, and I asked her how she was doing. A few minutes later, I saw Susan get up to return to her room, and I knew she was about to read my letter.

This morning, I drove to West to make sure I got to my weight training class early. The instructor seemed a little rigid at first (I had missed Thursday’s lecture), but I think I’ll be okay in the class (with the instructor, that is.) Now, there is virtually nobody on this floor who has any class with me. (A girl Francesca is in my UWC.) And so the odds of someone from this dorm being in my gym class seemed very slim, especially since no one from Trent 2 was there last Tuesday, but someone from here had added the class to his schedule. Yes, it was a tremendous shock to find that, coincidentally, one of the people who had just added weight-training to his schedule was…JOHN!

I looked forward to my weights class as a chance to relieve some of the tensions caused by my feelings for Susan. Only two people in the entire university could upset me with their presence in this class. And I’m lucky enough to have one of them with me.

What really sucks is that John is a nice guy. He’s a guy I’d want Kirsten, or Susan, to go out with. I can’t say he’s a jerk, that he’s someone Susan shouldn’t hang out with. I talked to John a lot this morning. I gave him a ride back here. There was no mention of females in our conversation, but I must wonder if he knows I like Susan.

Anyway, I got a call before I left this morning from a woman in the UWC office. I’ve got a job interview set for Thursday. But I’m going to try to call some other people, too. I’ve got a lot of work to do today, too. But no classes.

Will I hear from Susan? I guess that’s the big question for today. I’m going to take a shower now…

2:45PM

Showered, got dressed, ate lunch in the Trent Cafe, went to the West, got only a pointless week-old letter from Mom at my mailbox, went to Perkins Library, got nothing done, felt too tired, returned to dorm.
I have a lot of stuff to do, but I just feel like relaxing right now. I’ve got a lot of stuff to do later not related to my work. I’ll write about that stuff later.

9:00PM

My goal last night and for most of today has been to get some work done, and I’ve been very unsuccessful so far at completing it. This isn’t going to change at all over the course of the next hour either. At 10:00, there’s a dorm meeting for Trent 2 at which elections will be held for house council. I’m running unopposed for House Programmer. (I don’t know if I ever mentioned this.) I didn’t write a speech, although I’m supposed to make one. Anyway, I figure I really won’t get to doing any work until after this meeting.

Anyway, I didn’t sleep before, I don’t think, but I was in bed for awhile. I spent awhile figuring how I can eventually copy the entries from the old program to this new program. I called a College Bowl guy and told him I wouldn’t make the meeting for it. Instead, I went to a meeting for the Duke radio station, WXDU. I want to do news for it. I could be doing news updates, actually. I almost didn’t go to the meeting, but I’m glad that I did.

When I got back to the dorm, I was relieved that Michael was going out. Earlier, he was playing his damn guitar, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. He’s gone right now. I’m so much more at peace when he’s not around. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get depressed about Susan, though. Earlier, I had to go to Hanes (a dorm) across the street to get computer class dittos from this guy Mark who had borrowed them. When I turned onto the main hallway, I saw Susan for the first time all day, smiling as some guy twirled her around. I felt like I had just hit a wall of bricks. I bounced right back and headed back to my room, and then down the back stairs. I’m sure I’ll see her again later at the dorm meeting. Great.

It’s now 9:15. I could write some more about a lot of things I haven’t written about yet, but I suppose there are other more important things for me to do, although I probably will not do them at this time…

11:10PM

Just a little while ago, I received the sweetest, nicest letter I’ve ever read. Never has a letter made me feel as good as the one I got from Susan.

I’ve got work to do now, so I’ll have to write more some other time…