Toastie ‘97

10:00AM

“Oh, shit!” I thought when I woke up about a half-hour ago. I realized that I was missing my weight training class, which had started at 9:10. Two days ago when I went to the Card Gym for the class, the instructor didn’t show up. Now I’m wondering what to do. I have no other classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Do I really want to have this class? Do I want to make sure that I don’t sleep late every Tuesday and Thursday and do nothing? Or do I want to make sure I have those days free? I need to get a job today, if possible, and having two days completely free would be helpful. I’ll sort this out. I’ve got until Tuesday to figure out if I want to take this class.

Anyway, perhaps it’s a good thing that Susan was not the foremost subject on my mind when I woke up before. I’d go crazy if I just kept thinking about her.

I’ve got to take my clothes out of the dryer. I’ve got to get a job. I’ve got to do a lot of things…

2:00PM

Four hours ago, I didn’t think that anything worse than missing a class could happen to me today. But things got a lot worse.

I called the Duke Athletic Ticket office. Someone said that I’d be called back within a half-hour. I waited around the room, retrieving my clothes from the dryer in the meantime. No one called me back. Around 11:30, I tried to call the office back, until the discover that the phone wasn’t working. It apparently wasn’t plugged in. And then I realized that the problem was that the answering machine was gone. It just wasn’t in the room anymore. Someone had to have taken it. I got very pissed, because someone could have been trying to call me back about the job, and I had basically just been waiting around for a call. The only people I could suspect were Tyler and Asher from across the hall. They said they hadn’t seen it, as did Michael. I didn’t know what to think. I couldn’t just reattach the phone without rewiring everything, since the phone setup goes through the computer’s modem. I went to someone else’s room to call the office, only to hear that there were no more openings. And when I returned to my room, sure enough, the answering machine was back. I was completely pissed at this point. I couldn’t handle being around my room anymore. Sure, it was a harmless prank, but it screwed up my whole morning. As I was about to go out, I spilled some mouthwash on the floor. Michael returned to the room, and I didn’t say anything. He asked me why I spilled mouthwash, and I just looked at him and spit the mouthwash from my mouth into a hallway trashcan. And I walked away. Michael caught up to me and asked me what was wrong. I explained why I was pissed, and Michael asked why I had to take it out on him. I tried to apologize, but I also said that I was mad at him because he wasn’t upset at Asher and Tyler. And that was it.

But before I left the building, I realized that I had left my DukeCard and wallet in the room. I couldn’t face Michael, Asher, and Tyler, but I needed to get back to the room. I took a back staircase that has an exit right near my room. I opened the door, only to hear Michael said, “I don’t like ‘Big Dave’ right now.” And I turned around and thought about what I had just heard in the staircase for about ten minutes. I wandered around the dorm for another ten minutes feeling like complete crap. I could not recall ever hearing someone say that they did not like me. I’m sure there have been people who may not have liked me, but I actually heard someone say this.

Feeling completely worthless, I went by Susan’s room, and I contemplated erasing the message I had left on her board late last night. I’m sure she read the message, which told her that I thought she was a very nice person and wished her a good night. I thought that what I had written was so stupid, so childish, so pathetically me. But I didnt erase what I had written, and as I walked down the hall towards my hall, I passed Susan. She thanked me for my note, and I pathetically said something which I’m sure she could not understand. Seeing Susan made me realize again how much I really like her, and how much I have no chance with her being the way that I am.

Michael was on the phone when I returned to the room. I grabbed my stuff and left. I took the bus to West. I mailed postcards to Grandma and Grandpa, Mandy, and Tami. I had no mail. I ate some lunch. I went to the financial aid office to take care of something I learned I had to go the student loan office for. It began to rain, and I walked the long walk back here.

But on the way back, I passed Michael and Asher. Asher apologized. I apologized to them both. Everything seemed cool. And that’s it. So I just told this whole long story when I could have just ignored the incident in this journal.

Now what? I don’t know. I’ve got a lot to do. I’ll write more later…

6:20PM

This afternoon’s incident is behind me now. I tried to do some French homework after I wrote before. It was lonely and uncomfortable in this room, so I went to the floor’s commons area. It was very hot in there, but more importantly, Susan was in there. She was doing math with some guy. I didn’t go up to her, and she didn’t try to communicate with me. I couldn’t stay there, and so I came back to my room. I got a little bit of work done. I also called some numbers about a job. Tomorrow, I really hope I find a job.

Michael came back from a class around 4:00, and he wanted to go to town to get some tools, because he’s getting a loft. I got a clock/radio/alarm to replace the one that had broken so I shouldn’t miss a class again.

I ate dinner downstairs in the Trent Cafe. There are meetings for the Majors Speakers Committee and for Cable 13 at 7:00, and I’m going to both of them.

Susan? Well, I guess she’ll be someone I juson’t be able to talk to. I can’t dwell on it, or else I’ll go insane. I don’t know. Am I just going to keep liking girls and not be able to talk to them? I don’t know…

11:30PM

I think that it’s safe to assume that I’m by myself whenever I’m typing. Michael’s out partying, although I’ve only had the room to myself for an hour or so. Before that, I was at Hanes Annex listening to French class tapes with Annie. And then I wandered around Trent a lot.

I can’t quite believe that Susan remains such a strong presence in my mind. I can’t get her out of my mind. I barely saw her today, and when I did, she really didn’t go out of her way at all to say high to me. She wasn’t in her room when I checked tonight. I sat in her room with her roommate Felicia for awhile, though. I love that room. It’s so bright and cheery. It doesn’t look like a college dorm room. It looks like a room in a nice house. Susan has a few stuffed animals on her bed. She’s got an “Aladdin” poster. She’s got some beautiful nature pictures. And Susan’s so beautiful and so sweet. But she’s probably been out with some guy she likes all night. This liking of Susan as got to stop, Dave. It’s just headed on an all-too-familiar path. But I don’t know what to do any differently than I’ve done before. I can start by not writing any confessions of feelings to her, at least not until I’ve known for a little longer and talked to her a lot more.

I don’t want to write anymore right now. I’m not sure exactly what I’ll do. Perhaps another heartwrenching visit to Susan’s room. I don’t know.

Gee, this Dave at Duke isn’t much different than the Dave in North Brunswick…

12:15AM

Now’s a good time to just say, “Fuck me; fuck life.” Shades of Olivia and Washington. But I like Susan about fifty times more than I liked Olivia. They look a little alike. They both come off as being very sweet. And they both hooked up with tall, good looking guys. Tonight, the reason Susan wasn’t around was because she was out with John seeing a Freewater film. I just was in her room when they both returned. Great. I guess she didn’t have any work to worry about tonight like she did last night. Well, I can tell John’s a really cool guy, and I know I’ve got absolutely no chance with Susan now or ever.

Fuck, I know I’ve spoken to Susan only about twice, and that I barely know her. But the fact that I’m feeling so much pain over her means that I know that she’s someone very special. Damn, I don’t know why or how I can consider a girl special even if I barely know her, but I just do.

Shit, I’m at the point where I really just need her to know that I like her, because then I can try to move on. God (if you don’t mind being in the same paragraph with the word “shit”), I’m talking as if I’ve had some kind of relationship with Susan. I can’t help how I am. I barely know her, but she’s special to me, and I care about her.

That’s it. I’m going to find some female on the other side of the hall to explain my pathetic situation to…

2:30AM

It took two hours for my mission to become accomplished. It’s a pathetic story, which I might tell tomorrow. I better go to sleep very soon…