Toastie ‘97

5:45PM

For the moment, I have shifted into a neutral mode. Michael went off to do some reading. I have a lot of stuff I could be doing, but my old habit of contemplating life has returned to me, and so I’ve returned, for as briefly as it might be, to my journal. I just spent about twenty minutes formatting Microsoft Word with the font and margins I want in order to type my journal using the program. So no more Smith Corona Personal Word Processor entries. That program sucked, to be blunt.

I had classes for the second time today. They’re going alright. When I really have some time, I’ll write about each of them. I’m taking the writing course, philosophy, French, and computer science, by the way.

I still haven’t gotten a job. I had little time to go the job fair today, and I don’t exactly like a lot of the jobs that are out there. There’s the possibility that there’s a spot working in the Duke Athletic Ticket Office, but I won’t know if there’s one until tomorrow. I’d like a job there, and so I wasn’t too motivated to call any of the numbers I had about work-study jobs.

I know I haven’t written about very much since I’ve been here at Duke. I very briefly described some of the misery I felt during my first couple of days. I briefly mentioned that I was gradually coming out of that misery. I’ve been doing fine for the last couple of days. But right now, I’m a little bored and thinking too much.

I’ve talked to dozens of girls, and I’ve got the numbers and dorm rooms of several of them. I won’t mention them now, because I probably won’t be talking to them all one week from now. It’s just that I still cannot help looking for “the one.” I certainly wouldn’t mind finding some very good friends. Yeah, maybe I look to much towards females to find friends, but I think that it’s been evidenced in my life that girls understand me better than my guy friends.

Anyway, tonight I’ve got a lot of things I can do. I definitely must do laundry, because I was forced to wear jeans today in the stifling 95 degree Durham heat. I’ve got a lot of work I can do, although it’s not due until Friday, and even then, most of my work is ongoing stuff, like reading. There’s a Hillel meeting at 8:00, which I suppose I’ll go to, because the bagel brunch and dorm dinner weren’t really meetings, and I should go if I want to be involved at all. I know a few guys from my dorm who are going to be in Hillel, and I think this girl Rachel from East Campus whom I like a lot will be in Hillel. So I’ve got some motivation to go.

6:00 now. I think I’ll stop writing, because there’s something I should be doing. I hope I find it…

10:50PM

After I last wrote, I entered a minor tailspin. Take my typical pacing around my room having no one to call and go anywhere with and translate it to Duke. I just wanted to find someone to have dinner with, and I couldn’t find anyone. I paced the hallways of Trent 2 and found myself pretty much alone. It was a shitty feeling. There were people hanging out, but I felt awkward interrupting certain conversations.

But things turned around. Someone told me that a few people and her were going out to eat and asked if I wanted to come. And so I went to dinner with Nelle, Colleen, Theo, and Gary. (One day I may attempt to explain who these people are.) So we went out, and I had a good time. And when we were done, I had somewhere else to go.

At 8:00, I went to the Chapel basement for a Hillel ice cream social, where I met or reacquainted myself with a lot of people. I signed up for a Hillel committee and may actually get involved, which is something I hadn’t planned on before coming down to Duke. Of all the people I talked to, I really liked talking to this girl Susan, whom I had met way back last week and not really talked to since. I’m hoping she’ll choose to go to see “Fletch” over on West Campus over studying, but she probably won’t. I’ll go to see “Fletch” with this guy Nate either way.

Shit- I’ve got laundry that must go into the dryer. So I’m going to go now. I’m liking this “new” journal…

11:55PM

The “old” Dave is back, and he’s pissing me off. God, why, after only being here one week, do I have to fall in l—…like already? Why must I suddenly lose my inability to communicate? Why must I extinguish already any chances of becoming friends with this girl? I’ve met lots of girls that I’ve liked so far, but the girl who’s making me regress to my old self is Susan. Brief story:

Around 11:15, I went over to Susan’s to see if she wanted to come to see “Fletch.” She was on the phone, but she told me to come back in a minute so we could finish our earlier conversation. I did come back, and she said that she just couldn’t go, since she had work to do and an 8AM class in the morning. Meanwhile, Nate had left on his own. But I wasn’t going to join him. So I was in Susan’s room; a friend of hers was there, too. (This friend’s name, like many, many others, escapes me right now.) Susan Barnett, that’s her name. I just looked up her photo in the freshman directory. Anyway, I was just standing around her room, not saying very much. She was talking to her friend, and I couldn’t help but to enter my usual road of self-doubt and anxiety. God, I liked her a lot, and I couldn’t stand being around her knowing that I simply didn’t know how to talk to her. Eventually, I just said that I was going back to my room.

As I walked away from her room down the hall, Susan came outside and called my name. She asked me if I was okay, because something seemed wrong. I experienced the familiar and painful feeling of looking into her beautiful eyes. I just said that I needed to go think in my room, and that I’d be okay. She wanted to help, to listen, but I knew I couldn’t explain what the problem was. I had, all by myself, dug a hole that I was sinking quickly into.

When I returned to my room, I planned to write in here, and I found Michael and a couple of others drinking beers. Asher asked me if I wanted a beer, and I definitely did. I pounded that can like I never pounded before. A rush overcame me. And then I felt like shit. I told Susan I’d come back later. I almost went back. But I couldn’t use my slight intoxication as an excuse to talk to her.

And right now, I don’t know what to say to her. But I have to see her again tonight.

1:00AM

Unable to do homework. Unable to do anything else productive. Why? Not to hard to guess, for all of you have become experts in the life of David H_____ S______. A girl. In the words of Anna Wegner, “Oh, God!”

I said good night to Susan, and so, well, I don’t know. Hell, at least I’m writing in this damn journal again…