Toastie ‘97

10/26/2007 - I didn’t take a hiatus from journaling back in October 1993. I’ve been taking a hiatus from copying and pasting them into this website, however. If I were only copying and pasting, that might be one thing. But I must review each entry in order to make sure pseudonyms are added, and so it’s difficult not to become at least a little emotionally wrapped up in whatever it is I’m reading. No sane person would choose to make reliving the day they lived fourteen years earlier part of their everyday routine. Yet, that’s what I’ve been doing for the past seven weeks. Do I want to do that for the next seven weeks? The next seven months? The next seven years? I suppose the goal was to take some chunks of time to post drafts of several entries, so that, on a daily basis, I’d just have to publish a draft. But I don’t really want to read through a week’s or a month’s worth of journal entries in one sitting.

I don’t think there are many readers, anyway, but I would suggest to any interested parties that they subscribe to the RSS feed of this blog. When I do write again, you’ll know. No need to check this page all the time.

1:00AM
This should suffice as a journal entry for today:

Dear Susan,

Love,
Dave

8:10PM

I could have written last night, but then my hours of sleep risked being greatly diminished. In a way, it’s good that I didn’t write, because I’m tired of trying to explain my waffling back in forth as to whether I feel I can stay in this room or if I need to move to West. (8:30) Dad just called, and I had to explain to him everything I was going to write in here.

Basically, I’ve got a loft unassembled in this room, because I can’t put it up if I don’t know where I’m going to live. I finally talked to my roommates yesterday, and they seemed to understand my needs, but I just don’t think it will work, still. Mom will not pay another $1800 for my room. I called financial aid this morning, but the director won’t be in until Friday afternoon. If I get a letter from the shrinks I see tomorrow and if I get a letter from Dr. Weber, I have a chance of getting some more financial aid if I move to the single. And that chance is the only thing on my mind right now.

I just don’t feel like writing anything else right now…

10:20PM

Tonight I heard the pro-West view from Dad, and I just talked to my R.A. Rich and got the pro-Trent G view. I suppose that right now the conflict is at a standstill. Rich really thinks I should stay and will be alright if I do stay. Dad thinks I should definitely get out if I can. I just want to be able to come to a complete decision. I think I’m siding with staying here after talking to Rich. It’s helpful to know that he’s aware of my problems. But my psychiatric evaluation, or whatever I’m having done tomorrow, may alter my view again, as I’m sure the events of the rest of the night will as well.

Around 8:45, I went against my better judgement and called Susan. I had briefly talked to her last night, but it wasn’t a very personal conversation, and I left thinking that I really would be better off not seeing her too much. But I called, and I just wanted to ask her how she was doing, and she told me she was sick. And before she could say anything else, her parents called, and she said she’d call me back. She didn’t call me back until I was in Rich’s room. Her message said not to call past 10:15 or 10:30, because she’s going to sleep then. I called at 10:15, but I had to leave a message. I half-sincerely said she didn’t have to call me back, and she hasn’t so far, so I shouldn’t hope that she will, but I do.

“Les Miserables” is playing in Raleigh next month, and I’d love to go. Who could I go with, though? Only one person comes to mind, and that’s the person who it is hardest to ask.

Enough writing for now. I won’t get any work done tonight. I hope I can just get a good night’s sleep, though…

4:30PM

Typing out a journal entry is not the most productive thing I could be doing right now, so I will try not to spend too much time doing so.

The ride down on Friday. We left at 12:30. I had to go a little out of the way to go to the airport in Greensboro to drop off this girl Leticia who had posted a desperate plea for a ride the night before. Leticia was really cool. She’s the only one who talked to me for that first hour, and she liked my Top 100. She left me an envelope when she left which I later discovered contained a very nice thank you card and $20.

Meanwhile, Drew and Rebecca did little talking. Rebecca basically slept in the back seat. Neither one commented on my music; neither one seemed to care about it one way or the other.

We stopped to eat around 2:30, and then we reached Charlotte around 3:30. We spent an hour with my dad. I saw my step-brother Jeff for the first time in years. We took a look at Dad’s new house, which is almost done. Drew and Rebecca seemed very disinterested in being with my Dad, and I couldn’t blame them.

Back on the road, I was so exhausted. After awhile, Drew eventually took over and completed the driving. I eventually slept a little bit. I knew I wouldn’t get to know Rebecca at all. The trip down wasn’t as interested as I expected or hoped it would be, but I’m glad someone else was with me to do some driving.

We arrived at Rebecca’s beautiful mid-town Atlanta apartment around 9:00. I got vague directions from both Rebecca and Larry, and after I left Rebecca’s at 9:30, it took me an hour to get to Emory because I got completely lost everywhere in Atlanta.

And the rest of my Emory tale so far. I was so exhausted when I got here, but I was too over-tired to fall asleep. So I was pretty wired for a couple of hours before I finally went to sleep. And then I didn’t really wake up until around 1:30 Saturday afternoon. And I really didn’t get out of bed until 5:30. I was so exhausted.

Larry had gone out briefly on Friday night. His friends on his hallway hung out in his room that night and all day Saturday. They always do, apparently, especially because Larry has a big TV.

I really shouldn’t go into detail about Larry’s friends, because I’m really not going to be seeing any of them anytime soon. They’re basically nice guys, although I thought some were a little stuck-up, but maybe they really aren’t- kind of like the guys from North Brunswick. I wasn’t hard to be friendly with them, and it gave me confidence that making the move to Lancaster won’t be so hard.

The fact that the guys in Larry’s dorm are up at 3AM made me realize that everyone in college stays up late, and so the only way I can really expect to get sleep is to have a single. Yeah, I’ve thought a lot about Trent vs. Lancaster this weekend, and I’ve pretty much convinced myself that I must make the move. Confronting my roommates and the result of that won’t figure into my decision. I talked to Mom Friday night, and she seems to accept what I will most likely have to do.

Anyway, Sunday, we all just watched the NFL all afternoon. Then Larry and his friend Graig and I went to the library, where I got some French work done. Then we went out to eat and then came back to the dorm.

Oh, back to Saturday night. The most important thing I did and will probably do this weekend happened Saturday night, and that’s that I went out to eat with Larry late that night, and we drove around a lot and just talked. I told him about everything that’s been going on with me, and he actually seemed a little understanding, which was nice. I also wasn’t so upset to hear about “the guys” from back home. The thought of a repeat of Wildwood at the Ocean Mist this coming summer seemed exciting, surprisingly enough. But I’m not saying I’ll miss going to the Thanksgiving football game in North Brunswick.

What else? The guys here played football last night at midnight. I can’t saying I really enjoyed it that much. I really should’ve just stayed at the dorm and tried to start my overdue UWC paper. But it wasn’t a depressing experience.

I’ve told Larry that I really like Emory a lot, and I certainly would not be miserable if I had wound up coming here. I must admit that a small part of me almost wished I was going to Emory, because the workload would be less, I’d be with Larry, I’d have friends, and I wouldn’t have the problems I have a Duke right now. But then again, I probably would. I still love Duke. Being at Emory has just made me see that it shouldn’t be that hard to be happy at Duke, though, especially if I move to West.

So I was exhausted again last night and this morning. Larry went to classes. I met him for lunch. Then I shaved my beard and went out and got myself a haircut, so I’m no longer looking like John Kruk. I had wanted to return to Duke looking cleaner, and I will now.

Larry will be back around 6:00, and we’ll go out to get his computer fixed and I don’t know what else. I need to get some sleep tonight. I hope to leave Atlanta around 10:00, we means I’ll need to get up early to pick up Rebecca and Drew.

I wish I had more time here at Emory. And I wish I had time to stay with Dad for a few days a relax away from colleges altogether. I’d like to think positively about going back to Duke and starting over, but I can’t know for sure if I can and will move until I go back.

Okay. Nice brief summary of things. I shall probably write again tomorrow night.

1:00AM

I am no longer so thrilled to be here at Emory. The charm has worn out, and now I can’t way to get out of here. But I can wait to go back to Duke.

First of all, I’ve tired of listening to Larry being Larry- just his general attitude towards things. I can’t explain what I mean. I don’t know if I’ve ever explained what I meant, but hopefully 4 1/2 years of journal writing can give some evidence of what I mean. Anyway, this attitude came through while we drove around Atlanta tonight, and it came through while he was on the phone with Whip before. The way he talks about drinking epitomizes this attitude. I just get angry thinking of how stupid it is that life should revolve for some around beer, and it seems to for Larry, Whip, most of “them”, and most college students. I frankly don’t get it though, and I guess I never will, and I don’t care to get it. I still wouldn’t mind a Wildwood II, but that would be one thing. Larry keeps asking me if I’m getting ID, and I keep telling him no, although I just don’t feel like getting angry and explaining why I don’t care to get one. It’s just not that important to me. (Great- I can put this little speech in my UWC culture journal.)

Anyway, the main thing that’s pissing me off now is that I can’t envision myself getting very much sleep. I’ll need to get up by 8:00 or so, and I’d like sufficient sleep. I’m sure I’ll get more than the 45 minutes I got Thursday night, but I’d like to get a lot more. But everyone is in Larry’s room playing Nintendo. The basic reason I must get a single is that it is part of college life for people to be up this late (1:00 really isn’t very late), but I need sleep every night. I can’t compromise with my roommates. (Changing subjects slightly), I talked to Mom tonight, and she talked to Bob Busby, and he told her that he’d like to see me work out my problems with my roommates without moving out.

And I never wrote my UWC paper this weekend. Anyway. I don’t look forward to the ride back to Duke tomorrow, because Rebecca and Drew aren’t much fun to ride with. Rebecca seemed very less-than-thrilled to have to talk to me tonight and give me directions to her apartment.

Maybe one good thing to keep in mind is that perhaps I won’t be so upset by my feelings for Susan anymore. But buying Meatloaf’s CD tonight didn’t help that maybe very much.

Okay. I’ve killed ten minutes typing here in this computer lab in Larry’s dorm. Surely the guys haven’t left. I don’t really have much else to write.

9:35PM

I found a PC in the computer lab where Larry and I are in order for Larry to print out a football pool sheet. I’m sure I don’t have very much time to write anything, but I’ll try to type out whatever I can.

My roommates were such a pain in the ass on Thursday night that I got only 45 minutes of sleep. They came back from their outing and turned the lights on and kept talking. I couldn’t take it. I told them off and left with my blanket and pillow (again.) But I couldn’t fall asleep in any commons room. I eventually wound up on Trent 2, where I couldn’t sleep, so I wrote Susan a letter. I told her my latest problems, that I was glad we had talked, and that I really felt like I had to move to West.

I slept from around 6:15 until 7:00. I went to see Bob Busby, and he told me I could switch, but he’d rather I confront my roommates first, since that was a skill I need in life. He also told me that a single on West would run me (rather, run Mom) $4300, whereas my current room is about $2500. So I couldn’t leave being sure of where I’ll be living after fall break. I did go to my philosophy class and got my exam back with a 97. That was a thing to know.

I felt such mixed emotions when I went back to Trent for the final preparations to leave. I said goodbye to Natalie and to Susan. I paced my room, very relieved that I’d soon be leaving. I felt like I really wanted to stay in Trent. I left my roommates a nice note apologizing for being a dick, but telling them that I really needed to get sleep, but that I didn’t think I could really move, and that we should talk after break.

[Larry is done.] Yesterday’s travels were rough on me. Perhaps I’ll explain at a later time. I’ve thought a lot (which isn’t too hard for me) about whether I should stay in Trent or move to Lancaster, and I did talk to Mom again today. And I think that I’m pretty much leaning towards moving. In the end, that should be the best thing for me.

7:10PM

The one gleaming positive right now is that I’ll be out of here in about 17 hours.

Jackson and Daniel were still awake at 4AM. They were in bed, but still talking up a storm. I couldn’t take it any longer. I took my blanket and a pillow and went into the dark, quiet commons room. I fell asleep soon enough. And I didn’t wake up until 10:00. I was supposed to be at work at 10:00. It’s a good thing I had my room key, because they had locked the door, probably because they were pissed when my alarm woke them up this morning. Bill at work understood my situation. When I finally got in around 11:15, I talked with him for about a half hour concerning my current roommate problems. He said I must talk to them and to my R.A., Rich. I know I should. I didn’t mention to him that I was thinking of moving to West. Later on, I looked up the room list on the computer and saw that there still is a single available in Lancaster in the new dorms on West. I worked until 1:00.

Meanwhile, back at 3:30AM when I was waiting for my roommates to go to sleep, I wrote Susan a letter by hand (so it won’t appear in here.) It was basically a letter saying that I recognized that our friendship was over, that she didn’t want anything to do with me, that nothing I said or felt mattered, and that she obviously hadn’t really given a damn about me, or else she could not have completely ignored me when I needed her the most. I planned to Blue Devel Xpress the letter rather than use the usual under-the-door route.

Anyway, I was at the post-office to look at my mail around 1:00, and I saw Mark Danko there. And I saw Mark Danko get mail out of a box. And I saw my letter to Susan in his hands (in the envelope.) I panicked as I thought he might open the envelope. I told him that the note was from me, and I hoped he’d give it to Susan unopened without telling her he knew it was from me. I guess it was just a coincidence, but it didn’t exactly make my day. Anyway, I ate lunch, and then I went back to work from 2-3.

I had an appointment with Lois Conrad at CAPS at 3:00. Today’s session was pretty productive. It took me almost the whole session, but I explained why the past week had been positively miserable. It was a good session for me, because Lois really got a handle on the extreme level of pain I’ve felt lately. She felt for me; she cared. The next step is to go get a clinical evaluation next week to see what medications I might be able to take to control my moods. I’m all for it. I’ll try anything.

After my appoitment, I took a walk over to the new dorms. I found Lancaster, and I must say that it’s a nice dorm. Freshmen on West account for only 8% of freshmen overall, but that’s good in a way, because you probably get to know everyone who lives around you. I met some guys who’d be living near me. There are only about twenty guys and twenty girls in the dorm. I didn’t see my potential room, but I saw a single, and it’s very small. But I don’t need a lot of room. The important thing to consider is that it would be my room only. So many problems I’ve dealt with since being here would be eliminated. I’d have some huge new ones, but… Well, before I can make a final decision, I’ve got to talk to Jackson, Daniel, and my R.A.

If Susan came to talk to me, that might influence me to stay here, but I doubt that will happen at this point. She truly has abandoned me. Todd from upstairs told me that Susan has had a lot of stress about her classes over the past few days. That pisses me off, because I wish I could have helped her, but apparently I wasn’t much good when I was talking to her. If Susan really does not come to talk to me tonight, and I now highly doubt (although I wish) that she will, then I believe it will truly be the end. I’ve still got that slight glimmer of hope, but that will disappear when I fall asleep tonight, and I have not heard from her.

Now. Well, I’m supposed to get my UWC paper which was due on Wednesday in tomorrow. But I’ve got a lot of things to do tonight. I have to talk to Mom, Dad, Rebecca, Drew (the guy who’s coming with us; he knows Rebecca; I couldn’t say no), Larry, Renee, and maybe some other people. And I definitely want to pack.

2:30AM

I certainly didn’t mean to be up this late. And since I am, and it’s because of my own activities and will, tonight is a bad time to bring up my problems about getting sleep. I had very distressing talks with both Mom and Dad tonight about my problems. Susan called me around 8:30 and said we needed to talk. I paced around until around 12:00 before she called back. And then we talked for a long time. It was a long, painful talk that had really few encouraging moments. BUT we’re talking, and she does care, and that helps.

I feel a great sense of relief now as I plan to head off to Atlanta tomorrow…

3:30AM

I cannot believe how impossible of a situation I am in. I typed very little before, and I typed on a dim screen so that Jackson could go to sleep. And then what do Jackson and Daniel do? They talk and they talk for an hour. There was no way I could fall asleep. I waited for a break in their conversation to tell them that I needed sleep and would have to move out if I wasn’t going to get any. There was no break in their conversation.

About ten minutes ago, a guy came in the room and encouraged Jackson and Daniel to take a walk outside. And they both said that they were wide awake, so why not? I had to stop them before they went out, and I said, “I need to let you know something since I won’t talk to you tomorrow. I think I’m going to move to a single on West because I need some sleep.” The only response I got was, “Ya know, Jackson, we do sleep a lot less than most people.” And then they left. Did they hear me? There is no way they can suddenly go to sleep hours earlier and not keep me awake. I must take that single now.

I’m trying to be calm, but I’m really not. Earlier today when I figured things were finished with Susan and Trent held nothing but pain for me, I strongly considered moving to Lancaster. But I talked to Susan tonight, and I know I’ll keep talking to her. And Daniel and Jackson are still nice guys. But Lois Conrad told me that I will continue to be depressed if I do not get sleep. And I will not get any sleep here. I must find time to talk to Bob Busby (my boss) tomorrow morning and get him to approve a room change. I will have to move to West after fall break. And I think I’ll be okay. I’m not that scared. I’ll survive.

And I’m wide awake now. And I have to drive for over six hours tomorrow. I’ll be okay. God, help me…

2:35PM

My current nightmare has less than 48 hours remaining in it. I’ll be off to Atlanta soon enough. I’ve got a lot to explain in here, and I’ll try to do that now. I just read over my entries of the past few days to figure out what I have to write about now.

I guess I should explain Sunday night. Susan obviously had had no desire to speak to me after Friday night. I was miserable, depressed, lonely, and, I suppose, bordering on suicidal. Thus, the suicide sonnet. I planned to give that to Susan and then venture out into the cold, windy night. I had no car, because I had learned that Thom wouldn’t be coming back from Appalachian State until the morning. I had no idea where I would go.

Well, just as I was about to leave, the phone rang. It was Renee was Chapel Hill. I asked her if she had a car, and she did, and she offered to come get me, and she did. Right before I left my room, Natalie came to my room wanting to know if she could borrow my car on Monday to drive her friend to the airport. I said that would be fine, assuming Thom brought my key back. Meanwhile, I had Natalie’s birthday card in my hand, ready to give it to Susan, since my “death” would mean I wouldn’t be around on Tuesday.

When I went to Susan’s room, I couldn’t say anything. I was silent for a minute before I laid my two documents (sonnet and card) on her desk and said she could read “it” later. I then whispered that I was sorry, and I left her room, and then Trent. Renee picked me up across campus, which was a 15-minute walk.

4:00PM

I actually just woke up from an hour nap, and now I really do feel like crap. I’m not even sure I have the time to finish my story, but maybe my lack of time will cause me to summarize briefly.

I drove with Renee back to Chapel Hill. We talked in a library for awhile. She made me feel very calm. But I was wondering what was happening back at Trent, where Susan must have read that I wanted to kill myself. How would she react? Would she tell anyone? I was relaxed with Renee, but how could I handle going back to Trent? At one point, I thought I should call Susan to tell her I was okay, but no one answered.

I came back to Trent around 1AM, and I found no messages for me. No one was looking for me. No one cared. Had Susan got my note? Or did she simply not care? Or did she simply decide she had had enough?

Well, I wouldn’t find how the answer to these questions on Sunday night. Anyway, I hadn’t gotten enough work done Sunday night, and I was so exhausted, and so I just slept through my classes Monday morning. I had already missed French and computer science on Friday. I was very lucky to find a radio-sub just a half-hour before I was supposed to have gone on at noon.

I did go into work. I did make an appointment to see my academic dean, Dean Kain, for the next morning. No Susan. No sign of Susan. No indication that she even got my sonnet. Until…

…well, around 1:00 in the afternoon, Natalie came for my car keys, but I suddenly realized that Thom had never returned them. I didn’t know what to say. Natalie wasn’t mad at me though, although I was sorry. The odd thing I realized was that Natalie didn’t say anything about having gotten a birthday card from me. Did that mean Susan hadn’t looked at my sonnet? And later on, I learned that Thom had come back, but I hadn’t seen it way in the back of the parking lot. Thom told me that Natalie got the key from him when they saw each other on East. He had seen Susan, too, and he said nothing seemed wrong.

I met Thom at the Trent Cafe for dinner. He told me of his successful visit with his girlfriend, and I recounted my miserable weekend. Craig Schewartz joined the table at one point, I tried to ignore him. I’ve been fed up dealing with him. Later, Thom’s roommate Pat joined, too, continuing to taunt me as usual about not living on Trent 2 but always being there. After awhile, I was done, and I went to leave. As thought I had carefully inspected the room to make sure Susan was not around. I approached a booth and suddenly saw Natalie, and before I knew it, I was right behind Susan. My heart ached like it never ached before. Natalie thanked me for letting her borrow the card, and for the birthday card. Susan had definitely read the sonnet. But I barely looked at her, and I went on my way. Susan obviously had no interest in speaking with me.

Seeing Susan made withdrawal very difficult. I forget right now what I did Monday night, but I had to get up early Tuesday morning for my appointment with Dean Kain. He was somewhat helpful in that I made him aware of all my problems, and he seemed to understand. But there was obviously nothing he could do, like say, “Don’t worry about anything. Don’t go to your classes. Take three weeks off.” After this appointment, I saw the doctor at student health, and he totally pissed me off by constantly reminding me that I simply had a back problem. I didn’t wish to argue with him, just kept nodding to every piece of bullshit advice he had. “Don’t neglect your classes…You must learn to live with this…Accept that there is no cure.” Thanks, Doc. After this, I went to work.

Later on, I tried to get some work done. I thought I had a mountain of work to do until phone conversations with my French and UWC teachers made that load much less. But then there were those things that happened last night.

Seeing Susan completely destroyed my peace that I had last night. Later on, I woke up Kirsten at 2AM, and I cried to her on the phone. And then I finally got pissed at Jackson and Daniel for talking and talking and talking when I needed to go to sleep. They didn’t seem to thrilled by my attack on them.

This morning, I just felt like shit when I woke up. No classes again. I couldn’t find a radio replacement, so I went to East and did it. But I had to go to my computer science mid-term anyway, which I didn’t study for, and it was simple. I skipped my lab session and came back here.

And now I must worry about programming and other stuff, which I might write about later…

2:50AM

Why am I always awake at this time? Because my roommates are. I’ve come to the regrettable conclusion tonight that there irreconcilable differences with Jackson and Daniel, and they are going to make the rest of my year hell unless I get out of here, just as I got out of Trent 259. There is no way that things will work out with them. As I told someone before, in order for things to work out, I’d have to make them change themselves drastically. Basically, they’d have to go to sleep three hours earlier, or else they’d have to shut the hell up if they if they were going to stay up. With Michael, I’d get sleep, but I’d be woken up at 3AM every morning. Now, I can’t get to sleep until 3AM. Jackson and Daniel are sleeping late, so they don’t give a shit when they wake up. I’d like to get up early, which will kind of be hard considering I’ll then be getting about four hours of sleep maximum. The doctor, all-wise that he is, at least knows that I need sleep, as does Lois Conrad from CAPS and any other intelligent person. Maybe I’m not tired all the time because of my kidneys. Maybe getting four hours of sleep a night simply is not healthy for anybody.

I don’t even know if it’s possible to change rooms again. I’d hate to have to. I could have had a single all to myself on West, but I couldn’t leave Trent. God, do I regret that choice. My roommates think that I just took the week off. I don’t know if it would do any good to tell them that I have a chronic condition that requires peace and rest. Of course, I should have chosen a single if I really wanted to be heaaaalthier. (By the way, I’m typing in a code font again, so I am probably making lots of mistakes that I will not fix lateer. Anyway, I can find out for sure tomorrow at work if and what spaces are avaailable. I know there’s a space in Trednmt 259 which I’d never want again. I wonder what I will think if that single on West is still available. I don’t recall processing any papers regarding that room. Being alone there would be different than being alone here. Here, there’s lots of people around, and I”m incredibly lonely. COuld I be lonelier if I were literally alone? I need to talk to Bob tomorrow at work.

12:30AM

I’ve been going through withdrawal, from Susan, and from Trent 2, and it was going along pretty fragily, but successfully, I think. But then, just before, I peered my head into the Trent 2 commons room to ask someone a question, and I peered a few seconds too long. I saw Susan, and she saw me, and I instantly turned around and went downstairs. Pain ripped through me as I was reminded that Susan obviously has absolutely nothing to say to me. And that hurts like hell.

Too much has happened to explain anything else for now. Perhaps I’ll get a chance to summarize before fall break. I’ve got to do some work now…

1:00AM

Eye contact with Susan that lasted for less than a second tonight has caused me to slip back down deep into my pit of despair. A couple of other factors haven’t helped, such talking to Larry and hearing him tell me how absolutely great it was to be home for the weekend with “everyone,” an everyone I think I now know I’ll never be comfortable with. It made me think that I may have very little reason to re-visit North Brunswick. The names and places that Larry mentioned to me sickened me to the core. And yet, I’ve got no names and places here to make me feel secure. And so what I’m basically saying is that I feel completely empty, completely alone. During certain times since I’ve been here, I am genuinely felt okay thinking that at least Susan cared. No matter how much I may have doubted her, she was there for me, and it meant the world to me. But now she ignores me. Now I feel as if she doesn’t give a damn at all. And so I naturally doubt that she ever cared. So I feel like even my secure moments were completely empty, because Susan was nice simply out of pity, simply out of her conscience that wouldn’t allow her to abandon me because I had done so many nice things to her.

For the moment, I’ve changed to a font that prints out a strange language of characters. It’s like some sort of code, and I don’t know what the point of it is, except that I can currently write without being afraid that my roommate Daniel can read what I’m typing. One thing that has made the last hour or so difficult has been Daniel talking to his mom on the phone. He walks around with my cordless like he owns the room. He sits on my bed. He talked so damn loud. Go outside, you bastard. I might as well let my anger out now in here. I’m so sick of Daniel always being so damned inconsiderate. He plays his damn music when he goes to sleep, and it might as well be an alarm when he wakes up but I still have some time to sleep. Had he not been on the phone, I would have stayed in this room and done my philosophy write-up instead of venturing up to Trent 2 and having my brief, but incredibly painful, encounter with Susan. I wish he’d just the hell up already. Worse than Michael? I suppose not. This room is still a safe haven for me most of the time, but not a lot of times that really matter, like now. I could find no other place to just relax though. It’s 1:20, and I’ve I wanted to go to sleep right now, I could not, because Daniel would not go outside. Damn, even Michael would do that.

I got extensions for UWC and French tonight, and so I thought I’d get some work done and be able to relax about things. But my night went to hell, because of Susan, Larry, and my roommate.

For the past four ngiths, I have turned around every time I’ve heard the staircase door open, hoping that it would be Susan. That must have happened about five dozen times, and each time, I’ve been disappointed. Get off the damn phone, Daniel. You’re really pissing me off. Can’t you go outside, please?

My current nightmarish predicament will be over in just two and a half days. Time will take its course and expire, and I assume I will somehow manage to pull myself through this time.

8:00PM

I’ve recounted the events of the last couple of days (well, particularly of last night) to a couple of people already, so I don’t feel like writing anything in here. All I will write is that I’m still in pieces, and I’m more sure than ever that my friendship with Susan has reached its conclusion…

9:30PM

Actually, how much is there to recount? I gave her a note (a sonnet) telling her I was going to kill myself. She apparently couldn’t handle it and couldn’t respond. And she hasn’t to this point.

There’s a lot more to the story, involving Renee from UNC and involving Natalie, but the basic gist is that I have finally done something that has resulted in the fact that things are irreparable with Susan. And I’ve finally reached a point where I can go into Susan-withdrawal without expecting her to give me any kind of response. I’m not sure how this compares to one of the many Kirsten-withdrawals I’ve tried to live through. I do know that I seriously cannot see myself trying to communicate with Susan until perhaps Thursday night, which would be the night before fall break. Of course, I wish she would come talk to me, but I’m not going to do anything to make her do that. I’m not sure if playing “Goodbye” by Air Supply is helping me, but not much really could.

Kidney problems, emotional problems, problems with my classes. I’ve got an appointment with my academic dean tomorrow morning, so I’ll see if the administration will help me at all or just tell me to get myself straightened out or else.

1:10PM

I woke up late once again today, and I suppose I needed to after remaining awake until almost 5:30 in the morning. I stayed doing basically very little. I watched my laundry. I listened to music. I pondered where Susan had been all night and wondered if she was alright. And I wrote another sonnet. So while I’m on the subject, I’ll put all three of my sonnets in here now:

Sonnet #1:
Fainthearted Tears

Oh, how my love, thought of you pierce my heart,
Smother my spirit, and subdue my soul.
For we shall remain forever apart;
Wounded am I, for my heart is not whole.
My tears will not flow; parched is my sorrow,
Remaining inside, with all of my fears.
My eyes have been dry since some time ago;
For my heart receives fainthearted tears.
I take one gaze into your goddess eyes
And shudder as my heart begins to quake;
Then it shatters, my frightened soul soon dies,
The chance to spill my feelings I forsake.
I love you so dearly, but this I know;
You shall reject me; through that I can’t go.

Sonnet #2
Appreciation of a Friend

Entombed in darkness, without any hope,
How can I possibly salvage my soul?
Adrift in solitude, how can I cope?
How can I make my much-battered heart whole?
Such questions plague me, until you arrive;
My heart skips a beat, a goes into shock.
All of a sudden, my spirit’s alive,
No longer imprisoned by key and lock.
Inspired by the warmth and strength of your smile,
I rise from my crypt and see the day’s light.
Of my feelings, there is no denial,
Although I realize that they are not right.
That I don’t love you, I cannot pretend,
But I promise I’ll always be your friend.

Sonnet #3:
A Friend’s Guilt

Your friendship I need, and yet I need more,
Yet more I know that you do not desire.
I have known no one as special before
As you, who under my heart lights a fire.
Too much I care, I must live with this curse;
Attempting to quell the flames of my heart
Would make it burn and ache even worse,
As it would if with you I tried to part.
I try hard to think, but tears cloud my mind,
I feel so much guilt for giving you pain,
Pain you accept, because you are so kind,
But I fear that I wlll drive you insane.
Sweet friend, I am trying so much to be
A better friend, please be patient with me.

I’ve got a lot of work that I need to do today. I suppose I should try to get started soon…

1:45PM

I just talked to Larry, who’s at home, as are apparently “everyone” else. I told him how I found a girl to come down to Atlanta with me, and so I’ll be staying over until Tuesday just so Rebecca can stay, too.
I need to do work. I wish I had heard from Susan. But perhaps I won’t. There’s nothing more I can do right now.

10:00PM

Sonnet #4:
Final Rhyme

I slump to the earth, I breathe my last breath,
Deciding I should abandon all hope.
I do not know what could postpone my death
For in this life, I can simply not cope.
I weep as I think of those who have tried
To help me pull through, their efforts in vain,
But I alone will cause my suicide;
I alone have been the source of my pain.
I have failed you and deserve not your tears.
Do no mourn for one who has marred your life;
To forget my soul will improve your years,
Let you be happy, and cause you no strife.
Thank you, and I’m sorry, for the last time,
For this couplet shall be my final rhyme.

From this point on, I do not want to think, for that will only make me want to do things like say goodbyes and write more notes and…
I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t care, and I doubt very much I’ll be dead in the near future, but one can always hope…

1:50AM

I’m back by popular demand. I don’t know what’s going on with me right now. My night took a sudden turn tonight, although not necessarily one for the better. I’ll possibly explain tomorrow, since my typing is keeping my roommates up. I will say that I believe there’s a stronger chance than ever that things are really finished with Susan.

3:00PM

I didn’t wake up until 1:30 this afternoon. I think it would be wisest for me to remain in this room for the rest of today. To wander up to Trent 2 for even a minute would not be in my best interests. I’m at another “Susan should not talk to me again” junctures, and I feel like I’ve had enough of Trent 2 period.

Instead of writing in here about everything’s that happened over the last couple of days, I called Kumar Dutt, who’s back in North Brunswick for the weekend. And so I’m not in much a mood to recount things again.
I think I’ll just stay in here and go through some papers and organize things. And I’m obviously praying in the back of my mind that Susan calls me eventually…

1:00AM

9:00PM
Dear Susan,

Love Always,
Dave

I don’t feel like writing anymore to explain what I articulated in that letter to Susan, which went under her door about three hours ago. I was able to spend the past three hours without getting too depressing by hanging out in the Trent 2 commons watching TV with a few guys. I don’t know where Susan has been all night. She was supposed to have gone out to dinner with Natalie and one of Natalie’s friend. I saw Natalie and Natalie’s friend in the commons room a couple of hours ago, but I did not see Susan. Perhaps she has been in Natalie’s room all night. Whatever the case, she hasn’t responded to me yet, although I’m sure she wanted to try to have a good time tonight and not think about her problems, which undoubtedly include me.

I will explain what I know of what happened to Susan last night. First of all, I had just written a brief note to Susan about the fact that my kidneys had been killing me, and as I approached her room, I heard her and Craig Schwartz (my friend, I think) talking. She told him how “he” had grabbed her wrist while “they” were dancing, and he didn’t let go. And she was very upset. Well, this is what I heard that filled me with a boiling rage. I hated that someone had upset Susan like this. I hated this someone. I hated myself for screwing up my relationship with Susan to the point that I’d never have her trust for her to tell me her problems. And this led to my injuring my foot and my keys. My foot is feeling better. My keys are gone. But I don’t care very much about either of them.

Anyway, I have clothes folding to do, since I did my first laundry in about three weeks. Got no work done today, so I’ll have a lot for tomorrow. Right now, I’m taping the soundtrack from “Last of the Mohicans” which is my favorite soundtrack that I never heard the CD of. But the person who borrowed Daniel’s disc returned it today, and that’s all I’ve been listening to. It’s the most inspiring romantic music I’ve ever heard (except for when I heard Susan has played the piano.)

Anyway, I’ll recount some other stuff from the past couple of days now. I got some productive philosophy studying done on Thursday night at the library at in the dorm. I was up until 3:30AM, though. But think I did decently on the test Friday morning, which was a nice feeling. But I hadn’t done my French homework, I just decided I needed a break from that class, so I skipped it, and I skipped my computer science, which I always skip on Fridays. I just relaxed and later watched DAYS with Natalie before heading over to West and eventually to work, where I was until 5:00. And I was just so exhausted from the whole week, and my kidneys were really hurting me. I had handwrote a note to Susan (which is why it’s not in here), and when I brought it up around 10:00 or so, that’s when I heard her with Craig. Explanation of that story complete.

In other, somewhat good news, someone responded to my flyer about going to Atlanta for fall break. I got a call early Friday afternoon from a freshman girl who lives over on East, and in Atlanta. Her name is Rebecca Seidel, and she coincidentally comes right before me in alphabetical order among freshmen. She’s pretty good-looking, I think, according to her picture. We had a slightly awkward conversation, which I thought was good, because she seemed about as shy as I am. It’s a nice feeling to know I’ll be spending about twelve hours alone with a total stranger in the next week. It gives me slight hope that life could go on if things permanently fall apart with Susan. But enough about Becky for now. I’m sure I’ll have plenty to say about her when I return here on Tuesday the 19th.

It’s 2:15 right now. My taping of “The Last of the Mohicans” soundtrack is almost complete. Having woken up at 1:30, and having not had such an active day, I’m still pretty awake, which is good, because I don’t have to worry about getting upset because someone will wake me up.

I might be okay eventually…

3:30AM

I’ve managed to destroy things with Susan and within myself yet again. Things actually turned out okay on Thursday. Things were fine today. And then I eavesdropped on a conversation and I put myself back into hell, finding new ways to torture myself.

7:00PM

I’m in a state of limbo right now as far as my bungee cord of life is concerned. Despite having my five-class day and despite getting a 75 on last Friday’s French exam (one-eighth of my total grade), I was in a great mood coming back to Trent from my computer science lab, because I had gotten a sudden inspiration today. I felt like I had found my calling.

I remember a dream I once had for myself, and I realized that it’s still there. A combination of doing my radio news, seeing some flyers, and listening to my Walkman convinced me that perhaps it’s possible for me to try to be a deejay, to host a late-night dedication show, featuring all of the great love songs I love. It would be a complete reversal of anything currently on WXDU, but I’d hope somebody would go for it. There’s a potential deejay meeting tomorrow night, and I’ll be there.

But my mood has deflated since getting back. I did go to Card Gym with Todd for a little bit and actually got some working out done. Running into Elise wasn’t very pleasant though. It’s a long story. As for Susan, she was busy doing math homework when I initially got back to the dorm, and she was still doing it when I returned again. I knew she didn’t want anybody there, and I knew it wasn’t personal, and as much as I know that and understand that, it still hurts a little. And this is something that shouldn’t be.

Anyway, when I did roam Trent 2 after returning for the second time, I saw Natalie before I saw Susan, and I asked her if she had eaten dinner yet. She said that a bunch of them were going to The Pub at 7:30. Them includes Susan. I was surprised when Natalie asked me if I wanted to come, too. I said that I did. I don’t know if Susan knew or knows about this, though.

Everyone’s supposedly leaving in ten minutes. I never hang out with “everyone.” I feel like I’m back in a situation right out of North Brunswick. I have to go with them, or else I’m giving myself no chance of ever interacting normally with everyone, especially Susan. But it’s not something I can just relax about.

Well, I’ll go upstairs now to Trent 2 once again…

1:20AM

Dear Susan,

Okay, I’m done. I take yet another leap of faith by writing this. I can see how I may have destoyed our friendship again. I hope you can forgive me for being the way I am. I truly wish I could change. I hope you can somehow respond to me.
Love,
Dave

Enough said for tonight, I think…

12:20PM

I’ve made a mess of another day. I woke up at 10:07, seven minutes after I should have been at work. I called Margie, and she seemed to think I was sick and told me everything was okay, and I could stay home and rest. Okay. Lost three hours of pay. I went back to sleep, too, rather than doing anything productive. But I needed sleep. I’m always so tired. But I don’t want to get into writing about my medical condition right now. I don’t want to write about anything.

I have to get dressed, because I have a 2:00 appointment with CAPS, for better or for worse…

1:20AM

More ups and down today, and I suppose that’s one reason I had to go to CAPS today, so I can stop going through a hundred ups and downs every day.

CAPS went pretty well. I spoke to a Mrs. Conrad, who did my “intake” session, meaning we talked for an hour about whatever came up, but it was basically a generally discussion about my life. But because there’s so much I have to say, I had to schedule another intake session, which unfortunately cannot be until a week from Thursday. So it felt good to talk to someone, for I took the first of what may be many steps, but I’m discouraged that the second stop is so far away, and that I apparently will have to start over again with whomever I wind up with, although I understand that the point of the intake sessions is for the person I talk to to figure out whom I’m best suited to talk with in order to have me get the most help.

My ups and downs for today basically have to do with Susan. After I got back to the dorm around 5:00, I saw Susan, and she was interested in knowing how my session went, and I told her. But after a couple of minutes of conversation1, she told me that she was going to do some roaming of the halls. I could come, or I could stay in her room; she didn’t mind. But I just didn’t feel comfortable doing either. And so I roamed, too, but separately, and it didn’t feel so great passing Susan without a “see you later” or “bye.”

My roaming led me to Thom’s room, where I learned of a Psi-U (Epsilon) dinner at 6:00. Thom wouldn’t be going, but Theo would. So I went with Theo and with Sho to Psi-U on West, and then we went out to this pizza-restaurant. And I had a good time, learning more of the brothers’ names and feeling more comfortable hanging out with them. I suppose that any sense of belonging with any group is attractive to me, and so I’m starting to really want to be a part of Psi-U, despite the fact that I know it will be very expensive, and I can’t afford it. I’ve just got Jackson’s Greek Life booklet, and it says that the annual fee for Psi-U is $415, and the pledge dues are $150. Can I justify spending $565 joining a frat? I suppose I can, especially if I consider that’s the amount I spent on my prom, which lasted about one weekend. Anyway…

Anyway, back to Susan. So I returned from my dinner, and I roamed Trent 2, passing Susan’s room. Well, actually, I went inside. James, the black guy whom Susan was with at the Rat, was there. Susan talked to me for a couple of minutes, and then she kicked us both out so she could do some work. I wasn’t really hurt. I understood that it wasn’t personal. But I was just upset with myself for being upset that I hadn’t really gotten to spend any time with Susan today.

I was in Natalie’s room a couple of minutes later, and as I left, Susan actually grabbed me and brought me back to her room. She had told me before that James got on her nerves, and that had been the case before. So she really did want me to stay. We talked for a couple of munites, and then she played some classical music for me that she said was her favorite. She tried to explain to me the “variations on a theme” in the work, and I tried, with minimal success to understand what she was talking about. But it was so nice just being with her while she experienced something she liked. It was quality time, and it made my day.

I spent the night rereading my philosophy assignment that I didn’t understand. (I suppose I haven’t written about yesterday; oh, well.) I went upstairs around midnight, but a guy was talking to Susan in her room when I passed by. She didn’t see me. I think they were just studying, so it didn’t bother me that much, but it still bothered me a little, because I can’t really talk to her with other people around. Later on, Susan was gone from her room. Again, my sad feeling of missing Susan resurfaced, just because she wasn’t there when I wished that she was. I wrote a good night note on her board. Last night, I wrote the simple message, “Susan is a nice person.” Today, I mentioned the message to her, and she seemed not to know who wrote it. I want it to stay that way. I almost feel good doing something anonymously for a change.

So I’m a little down where Susan’s concerned, but only because I didn’t see her throughout the final few hours of tonight. But I guess I’m pretty much okay.

Right now, it’s 1:55, and I’d like to go to sleep. I don’t know if anyone’s watching what I’m typing, but it’s kind of late, and I’d like to get to bed, okay? Anyone watching me. I want to go to sleep. Sorry. Good night. Can you politely leave? Guess not. Oh, well…

2:15AM

Too much shit going on, but I’ll write a very broad summary of today:
-Full load of classes from 8-2
-Not prepared for philosophy; survived class
-Did decent job doing radio news
-Worked 3-5
-Made appointment for tomorrow afternoon with CAPS
-In decent mood, but
-Screwed up with Susan because
-I finished a new sonnet (which I’ll include in here soon)
-Put the sonnet on her board, and she didn’t want it there
-But she liked the poem
-But I made her uncomfortable and made things uneasy again
-But I think we’re okay now, especially since I told her I’m going to CAPS tomorrow
-Talked to Renee of UNC-Chapel Hill for over an hour before; soothing conversation
Maybe I’ll have time to shed more light on everything tomorrow…